Triggering (Suicide) - My cousin died todayTriggering (SI)
Some of you may recall my having said in the past that my cousin had a brain tumor. Well, he died this morning at 11:30 at home with his family in the house (though he actually died when only his mom was in the room... had to save his dignity he needed to be changed). It was SO hard to watch. Most of us only got an hour of sleep last night, if that. The rest of the time we had arounds twenty people (not including him) crammed into his bedroom, talking to him, singing silly songs (and some hymns), and just being with him and eachother. It was so good for him but so hard to watch him as he died... labored for breath, hurt SO bad...
I can't decide what's worse...his being dead or how we are all feeling now. It's awful. My Aunt (who has a history of depression issues, including having been suicidal in the past) feels that she didn't do everything that she could have for him... and last night told my Grandma that this was some sort of punishment because she (my Aunt) was evil She's actually one of the most wonderful people I know. This morning she was having such a hard time with the fact that the coroners had to come and take him... she told my Uncle that she didn't think she could let them because they were going to take him away from her forever...
My Grandma (who has heart problems) isn't doing well either. We are all trying not to fall apart. His oldest child isn't doing well either. Out of his four (ages 17,16,7,and4) we are worried about his oldest the most... she seems to be taking this the hardest.
And me..? I can't stand to watch everyone hurt. Most of the crying I have done has been because of the grief I have wittnessed in my loved ones. Looking at the kids and thinking how hard this is on them. Watching my Aunt blame herself and thinks she's awful. Seeing my Grandma become so pale and weak. Seeing my other Aunt and my mom as they watched their first nephew slip away. Just seeing how everyone is hurting, it tears me apart. I don't think I feel sad... I just cry I know that seems like they need to go hand in hand but I'm not sure they do.
I wish we had him back. I wish my family didn't hurt so much... I cut today. I hadn't cut in almost two weeks and I cut...probably about a dozen times on my arms. And it was totally premeditated... I even bought razor blades because I wasn't sure my knife was as sharp as I wanted it to be and I didn't bring my sharpener home with me over Christmas holidays. Good news..? I have really wanted to take the blade to my wrists and just die... but I can't do that to my family right now, so I am still here. But I see it in my mind...and I long for it
My head hurts, I'm tired, and... I hurt ( a feeling!)
Sorry for the rambling.
Dearest RYL Mother Susan... if you read this... I am SO sorry I haven't gotten to replying to your last PM... I'm just so tired right now... and I have nothing to offer... not even friendly chit-chat.
Much love to you all.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Oh wow, I'm so sorry that you and your family had to go through all that. It sounds awful. But the important thing to remember is that you all still have each other. You can get through this together. I suggest that you and the other members of your family share your feelings with each other, share memories of your cousin, etc. Just be there for each other so nobody has to deal with this alone.
I'm sorry that you cut after so long. But don't dwell on it. You were very upset, it's not like you did it for no reason. Although the crying is a healthier way to deal with your feelings, so try to just do that and not cut anymore if you can. And as for the suicidal feelings, like you said, your family doesn't need to deal with another death right now. Or anytime soon. They need you to stick around so try to be strong and do it for them.
I don't really know what else to say, but I'll be thinking of you and your family. *hugs*
Laura
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Theresa
I know how hard it is to lose a loved one after a long illness. We watched my husband's mom's mom fade for years. Then in one case of bronchitis she was gone. She died the week of the Northridge Earthquake. (That may seem an odd way to remember when she died but my husband's older sister and her husband lived 2 miles from the epicenter and had to come down to Orange County a few hours early to shower and dress.)
It is okay to cry. It is fine to cry for the grief of the people he left behind. Your aunt may have survivors guilt. It is also okay if you feel relief that he is out of suffering and relief that the waiting is done. Crying and grieving and mourning are what you are supposed to do.
I wish you hadn't cut but that is what we do to cope.
Expecially since you're both girls, can you take his 17 year old under your wing? It might be good for you too, distract you from your pain by being of service to her.
I don't care if you don't have any chit-chat. Write your RYL Mom and tell her how you're doing. I expect a message at least once/day. Otherwise I will worry. Moms have a right to do that you know.
As always, unconditional love to you,
Your RYL Mom,
Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thanks all. It just keeps getting more and more complicated. My moms dad is coming to the funeral...there are VERY bad feelings there between him and his family (he wasn't a good dad or a good husband). My dad wants to come but my mom didn't want him to (she says he never really liked my cousin and just wants to come to make himself look good) but then when I said to have Greg (our other cousin who we were going to ask to tell my dad he wasn't welcome -they are friends-) mention that we (us kids) didn't want to hear about it and that it needed to be made clear that we didn't need to hear about it from Grandma either (dads mom) she just said to let him come it wasn't worth what my dads family would put us through. So now there are going to be at least two people there that will cause my family pain and take even more of the energy none of us have.
My younger cousin, my cousins oldest, isn't handling this well. She's deffinatly depressed. At least she's eaten... but she's just so flat. She and I have always been close and she won't even talk to me really. She doesn't respond much to anything anyone says... I'm so worried.
My Aunt isn't doing well either. Neither is my Grandma (she's got heart problems).
Damn...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
How unfortunate and awful that adults can not be trusted to behave themselves at a funeral. Please don't focus on who will be there that you don't like. Ignore them if they act mean or ugly or anything. Focus on God and on sending your cousin into God's loving care. Don't let it bother you if they do anything ugly. They are adults and it reflects on them. Just don't be alone with them either.
Your younger cousin is grieving. Let her know you're there but if she isn't up to talking, that's okay too. (I'm normally a chatterbox and whiner but when i'm hurt worst, I shut up.) She may be in such pain that she is in shock.
If it makes you feel better, try to be of service. Service is a way of taking overwhelming emotional energy and putting it to use and in my experience it helps a lot. Do dishes. As much as you dislike it, offer to do laundry so everyone will have clean and ready the clothes they want to wear. If there will be people at someone's home after the funeral, make sure the bathroom is clean and well stocked. (Don't worry about the floor, people will be walking all over it anyway.) You'd be doing those background things that the people who are planning the funeral may not have the energy to think of.
Take care of yourself too.
With love from your RYL Mom, Susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thanks again all. Here's an update (actually a journal entry I wrote):
I'm SO darn tired. I just am. Driving the 45 min up to my Aunt and Uncles and back again each day... helping out... just all of it. I'm tired. I wouldn't trade any of it, honestly. I'm glad I can go up there and help or just be there. But I'm so tired, it's making it harder to keep myself togeather...just...making everything harder.
On a brighter note, Kimmie (his oldest) is doing much better. Yesterday was amaizing. She was joking with us all and working on the scrapbook that she and her sister had started to make for their dad (they gave it to him the day he died...unfinished, but it was good. Had all of us in tears again ) before he died. It was so good to see. Still think I have reason to be concerned (after all, it's been amaizing to notice how good we all can do at covering up what we are really feeling)...but it was so good to see her that way yesterday. My baby...she's always been my favorite (because she was always so similer to me when I was little... both obnoxious . Both of us would (unintentionally) do or say something awfuly mean that would hurt someone and then feel so bad about it because we HAD been mean...but it just kind of happened, we didn't WANT to hurt them ).
Nothing needs to be done today. The slide show that Kuulie and Brian are working on is going well... I finished the program that Aunty Randa asked me to make (a booklet with poems in it and fitting pictures... and two WONDERFUL pictures of Jeff). Flowers have been ordered, the church has been reserved, the funeral home has been visited and his cremation and all that taken care of. But I am going up. We all need to be togeather. That's just what my family does. If we can be, we are all there.
I just wish we all didn't ache...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
i'm so sorry ally
hugs
thinking of you and i wish you and your family the best
you are lovely and nice and a good person and your cousin (and your family) were and are lucky to have you
a feeling!)
. Both of us would (unintentionally) do or say something awfuly mean that would hurt someone and then feel so bad about it because we HAD been mean...but it just kind of happened, we didn't WANT to hurt them 
).
