Feeling like a fraud

[Blahria]

So I work in mental health, and I'm lucky to work within a very supportive team that is open (where appropriate) with clients about their own experiences.
This is something I feel able to do, to an extent. I can say I've got trauma, I can say I've been depressed, had counselling, take medication.
I can't seem to bring myself to say I'm actively selfharming.
I can't seem to even admit openly that I have in the past.
I have some visible scars on my arms, so I think those more eagle eyed may notice and (hopefully) find it comforting, I know I have.
But all day I'm helping people who are really struggling.
Then I get home and I'm a void, I'm nothing, I'm self harming and binging and struggling to do anything more than exist

[one_step_closer]

It's up to you what you share and what you don't share. Working in mental health while you're struggling is really difficult, I have been in that position where unfortunately I ended up in a psych ward a couple of times and then was told I wasn't fit to work. It's sometimes a fight to put on a face a work and then let it go when you get home. Do you have any support?

[Blahria]

Yeah, absolutely, thank you for your reply.

No I don't particularly, no one I feel that I can get ~deeper with, a few people for surface stuff.

I've recently had an assessment for therapy, just waiting for the appointments to start.

That's part of why I found this forum because I feel really alone right now

[one_step_closer]

I hope you don't have a long wait for therapy and it's helpful for you.

Who put you forward for therapy? Could you talk to them? Do you have no professional support?

I'm sorry you feel so alone, I hope being here can help at least a bit but it can be very quiet at times.

[Blahria]

Thank you.

It's not through the nhs, it's a community counselling service that works on a donation basis, so it's not fully private, unlike nhs counselling it's not a prescribed set of 12 sessions (if your lucky) also hopefully not too long a waiting time because it seems like they have quite a lot of people working there and they train people up too. My only stipulation was the time I can do it coz of work, other than that I'm flexible. So they couldn't give me an exact waiting time, but they said hopefully I should hear within the month (so hopefully in the next three weeks as I had my assessment last week).

No professional support at the mo, outside of my gp but getting an appointment with them is neigh on impossible and my experience with other gps in that surgery have been really **** when it comes to MH (one wanted to just take me off my meds, having only met me once)

I self referred, it was something I'd been planning to do for sometime, but then I recently went through a sudden break-up so that pushed me to seek some support.

Outside of my ex, self-harm is something I've never felt able to talk about with anyone, and then it just feels like the longer I've left it the harder it becomes/ the more shame, guilt and worry I feel. Logically I know I could, but I'm too scared. Almost any experience I've had of talking to anyone other than ex, or a few friend who have self-harmed has just been atrocious.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.