|
i dont know if i cant hold on anymore
well okay, recently the relationship with my mother has worsened, like we always have argued like normal families but now it’s different. idk how and when all started, probably last year when she behaved like my father and we told her about this but she has too much pride and she didnt take it good in fact she blame us and said that we dont understand what she does for us and then there was a big argument. then we let things calm down and we never spoke about it. but this year, especially in the last period things has worsened and idek why. she keep putting so much responsibility on me bc she said that im 17 and i have to learn to do everything on my own, the only time i got left is when i study in fact it’s my mean to escape from this reality. im aware she has done so much for us til now, but she could have done more and also bringing home food and paying for ur children doesnt mean ur a good parent, that’s the bare minimum. i understand also that she may be stressed but she could seek for professional help instead of blow it all out with us and treating us like ****. for example my brother went to the therapist bc he needs help and when the therapist said that there may be the possibility that my brother has to take some pills she freaked out (which is understandable) but then she shouted in my brother’s face like he was some kind of crazy, which is not. also she said something bad everytime we opened the mouth, especially when i did it and for this reason i keep distancing myself from her but now it looks like things calmed down and when she calls me “my love” or simply show me a little of affection i cant take it. like the other day i ate so much that i purged after and i was so traumatised about this fact bc i used to do it long ago when we lived with my father and i wanted to tell someone about that. i wanted to tell her. but sure she wouldn’t understand and this break me in pieces. also she just yelled at me “ARE U SURE U ARE OKAY” bc im so stressed and while trying to do everything i could i broke sth of the house, LIKE NO UR CHILD ISNT OKAY IS IT THAT DIFFICULT TO NOTICE WHEN U’RE THE ONE HURTING THEM RIGHT
also the things is that i dont know if i want to feel better bc every time sb tries to give me a way out of this i just ignore it bc im afraid i wont feel sth if things go better, like im afraid of being happy and being sad is much more easier and doesnt break u bc u dont expect things from ppl.
|
