Hey
I've never really ventured into this part of RYL before....mostly because I've been too scared...
Basically to put things very very simply:I am not right, I am not ok, I am the complete opposite of everything I should be. I've moved towns, lost all my friends, and generally feel like I have lost myself in the process.
Being alone here has left me with no choice but to sit and think about my life. About the past. And this has had really bad consequences (if you want a better understanding, a lot about my past is explained in this thread:
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ad.php?t=23895) I've started cutting again, after over 18 months of 'recovery' and the whole thing is getting so unsettling. I don't know myself at all. I'm not sleeping, hardly eating, and have no motivation to do the things I love, and the thought of going to college to be with people who don't truely know me, and who I can't show I'm upset, terrifies me. Basically, everything has taken a massive turn for the worst.
As you may have gathered, things are not always like this. Like I've said, I was 18 months cut free, and i did that on my own pretty much. But the thing is, I have cycles like this. My life is and always has been one big cycle-I feel really good about myself, and get on with life, and feel just fine, but slowly but surely, that progresses and life gets darker. And then I end up here and this is where I will stay for a long, long time. And then things get lighter again and the cycle continues. I honestly cannot remember a time where this has not happened.
Now I know that people will say 'o but having bad times is normal'. I've thought that often myself, I mean, I seem to have a big inferiority problem to my own issues anyway, I'm terrified of facing them in case I'm making a fuss over nothing. But, well, this isn't normal really. It's not normal to succomb to mass phases of complete depression and self loathing and not feeling good enough for anything apart from SI. It's getting so bad.
And it's starting to scare me.
I've never had a diagnosis before, so I've never known whether this is normal, or whether I do have some form of 'mental illness '(I shudder at those words....) But the more I think, and the older I've become, and the more I can sit back and look at how I've been and how I've got this way, I can't help but think that it is possible. I've spent so much time searching for infomation on different illnesses, or a better way of putting it, searching for an answer. I want to be better again. I want to think normally. I want to be normal. So the more I want that, the more I want to understand...but it scares me so so much.
I've read up quite a lot about things. And the more I read, the more I can see myself in the descriptions, certainly PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. But now that I've read up about them, and feel so close to an answer, a label, a name for how I'm feeling, the more scared I am of someone turning round to me and telling me I'm just over reacting. That's one of my biggest fears. I just want to be better, I want to be better so I can move on with my life, so my boyfriend stops worrying about me, so I stop worrying about everything else. I feel so trapped. And because I'm on my own in this town there is noone I can talk to about it properly. My doctor is still in my old town 50 miles away so it's not practical to see her.
I don't really know what to do to be honest. Am I taking things to far? Too fast? Should I just try and ignore it and get on like I have all my life? Or am I right to be trying to confront it? Am I right in wanting a label for how my mind works?
Please help me I'm so confused and just want desperately to be better.
Thanks for taking your time reading this, sorry it's so long,
Please help
etwib
xxxxx
