Contains sexual abuse - Predator??

[white_silent_darkness]

As a child I have gone through several forms of abuse. Ive been in counselling for a year & a half. I recently admitted to my counsellor about an "unhealthy relationship" where I felt sex was coerced from me. From talking with her, I realised I was being abused once again. This started when I was 20 and he was 46. (He is now 51) Ive since noticed how he is with the girls my age and slightly younger. I know he has kissed someone who was in my year at school.

Im feeling quite disgusted. Its like hes behaving in a similar way to my childhood abuses. Im so confused. I feel maybe I shouldnt feel so wrong as I wasnt a child :/ But then I think is he a sexual predator preying on young ladies?? Is he the same as the abusers?

[Wonderland.]

I don't think age is majorly relevant, anyone of any age can be a sexual predator. And there are couples with big age gaps that have wonderful relationships.

But whoever you are with you should NEVER feel coerced into sex. You should both individually want to have sex and feel able to say NO and respect each others decision on that. We all have a different sex drive, so there should be times when one party declines.

When you talk of feeling coerced what do you mean by that (if you feel able to talk about it)?

What about him concerns you about how he is with younger girls? (again only answer if you feel okay to)

I think it's brill you've manage to recognise that this isn't a healthy relationship, although I expect that must really hurt and be hard to come to terms with and accept. I hope that your counsellor can help you through all these difficult feelings.

Try and keep in mind that you don't have to be a child to be abused. Sometimes it's not clearly obvious you even are till you are right in the midst of it. Some people who abuse others can be really manipulative and clever, and make you feel as though it's your fault when really it's not at all. That is how they can keep the abuse going and keep on holding power over you, by crippling your self-esteem.

[white_silent_darkness]

Hi,

Thank you so much for responding (and so quickly!). It has made me feel a little less confused and that Im not going crazy by thinking this way about him.

I will try respond to your questions - hope it will make sense

We all started the job together as it was a new building. At the beginning there wasnt much for me to do so I was asked to accompany him in between my duties so that he could do his job as it was with the public and he was awaiting DBS check. We all got along well being only a small group. Out of the blue, he gave me a number to his second phone which he told me to keep quiet. I found it very strange. He said its one he does his dodgy deals on like stuff that falls off lorries.

Anyway he said we could play a game one day after I laughed at him not getting my colleagues dirty joke - he said that I was to text him a sexual word or phrase and he would work out what it was. Then he would send me one. Well I didnt see anything wrong in it at the time - things like this normally go over my head - Im not really good at working out boundairies ect due to the past.

We would often be alone together in his office or in an empty flat in the building. One day he asked about me seeing his you know what and want me to give him a BJ. I told him no. He was ok at the time. The conversations via text grew in to him asking me what I would do to him given the chance n what he could do to me. I tried avoiding these conversations but had begun to feel trapped (Past experiences). In the end I did respond but made it clear it was just words - its sickening now to say I began enjoying the attention in a way as it distracted me from my own reality - as much as I also hated what was happening.

When alone again, he prompted the sexual acts again. I continued to say no. The next day after I had been r*ped by a "friend" he made me give him a BJ by locking the door, being a support as I told him something bad had happened and wearing me down to doing it. From that day I felt I was that worthless piece of sh*t again that men could just use. Everytime that I was even on shift he would be messaging me or hinting at me for sex. If I declined sex he would say it was ok and that I could do something else instead or that I just had to lay there n he would please me. Then he started messaging me outside of work and a few times got me to go to his house.

He found out that I had been sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult - I still classed myself as a virgin. He told me he could teach me things and tick them off the list. He pestered me about trying all different things.

God I feel sick just writing this - If I could cry, the tears would be flooding down my face. It feels more real just by writing it down.

Im concerned about the younger girls as he behaved differently around us. He would go off with us alone. The girl I went to school with told me herself how he had kissed her n that she kissed him back. That she was confused about how she felt. It all started with her through texts. A number of the other girls had his second number. Whereas he hid it from the older ladies and treated them more "normal". He is also a married man with 2 teenage children.

Thank you for youre words - hopefully one day Ill work it out

[white_silent_darkness]

With regards to the age gap, for me I think its more about the power. He has more power over me being the more mature person and gained life experiences. I often revert to my child-like states in reaction to things. I compare this relationship to the abuse as a child as it was dine by 2 older children then by another who was an adult - all in that position of power and those I should have trusted.

Yes, its very painful :/ I almost dont want to admit I screwed up again. By doing so I feel very vulnerable. I dont trust myself. Im waiting for the next person to come and get me. I want to take control of my mind and body so that they cant get me.

[Zurg]

You haven't screwed up in any way. This is not a reflection of you or who you are. This is a man taking advantage of a young and vulnerable adult and basically abusing his power to get what he wants. I agree with your therapist, this man is a predator and he is most certainly not a nice person or a person you should feel you ought to make excuses for. He is old enough to know what he is doing is wrong but he chooses to look past that and do it anyway, basically ignoring your vulnerability to pursue his own twisted fantasies.

As for what to do..... would you feeel able to break off all contact with him???? Because i think you need to protect yourself from people like him. If he wanted the best for you he would never ever put so much pressure on you to do all these sexual favours for him when you've explicitly expressed that you do not feel okay with it. It is also extremely worrying that he shows the same interest and pattern with other girls who are as young, or even younger, than you.

You have not done anything wrong. And this is not something where you could have known better. I've been vaguley involved with a man like him and they are VERY good a persuading you that it's all completely innocent and fun and games. But the bottom line is that if you're not okay with it, then he is wrong in trying to make you okay with it.

If you can, then cut all contact with him. He will be angry, yes, but the only person you're obliged to look after is yourself. This man is bad news. And he will not change his ways. I hope this was just ateeny bit helpful. Maybe your therapist has some ideas how to approach this situation and how to walk away from it????

[panzerlang]

This is an incredibly hard situation to deal with. There is a technique I can suggest:

Your body is not you, it is a vehicle for your consciousness while you experience life in this world. As such you can, potentially, objectify yourself (think of yourself as an object, in regard to your PHYSICAL body, NOT your consciousness).

Do you own any favourite things...a car or an appliance? Are any of these things something you would be reluctant to lend, even to a good friend? For fear of them not taking such good care of them as you would? Think of your body in the same way if so and refuse to lend it to anyone. This is a technique where you separate your perception of yourself (consciousness) from your body (an object). In this way you can take greater control of yourself as a whole and allow others less control.

That's all I got.