First Appointment with CPN

Lonely8T5R · 13-03-2017, 08:21 PM

Hello I am new on here and just wanted some advice really. I am due to see my CPN as a result of a GP referral and am really worried about what is expected of me. I confided in my GP who I can talk to and trust but for some reason now it it feels like I can't. She asked me would I consider doing anything to myself and I couldn't answer her. She asked if I had wrote any notes and automatically I said no. But I have. I have wrote one to my mum. My mum knows nothing and don't feel I can talk to her about any of this as she too has mental health problems a and have always had bad CPN's minus one. I don't want to be honest and I get admitted to hospital as I work. Only my manager knows as far as I know not the overall managers and worried about my job and letting them know what's really going on. I am in a total mess. My appt is next week Monday 20th and was considering cancelling but I know as hard as it is admitting it I do. My GP has changed my anti-depressants and the dose has increased compared to the last ones I was on. Each day is a struggle and I am finding it harder to pretend everything is ok when I know and a few others know it's not and feel I am loosing control of everything. I always thought I had my life in control and it feels like everything is crumbling around me and I cannot get to grips with everything. People would be better off without me and feel so alone. I have tried digging deep to pull myself together but don't have the energy anymore. I feel stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore and am not living life I am just existing. I am scared I will go into the appt and pretend everything is ok and what I really want to say is I need help but am so scared I will be put into hospital. I write poems and they are all to do with dying or really disturbed visions of people who have played a horrible part in my life and those few that have been good faded into the background as the bad ones were too powerful. Any advice would be helpful.

Lonely8T5R · 13-03-2017, 09:27 PM

Hi @Epic
I am so grateful for your response and your words. Thank you. I have just gone back to work after having time off for being sick on different issues. I am regularly going in the office to 'talk' to my manager and breaking down literally in tears. I have confided in her for almost 7 years and knows most things. I have trust issues and knowing my GP has done this makes me think I can't trust anyone even now. I couldn't answered question and think she knew. I opened up to my partner of almost 2 years as his everything from him and he got all upset. I am willing to work with them I am just worried and scared about the power they have and have seen them take my mum with the police and all. I know if I got admitted or the overall managers found out I would loose my job. I try to keep strong at work but that's also worsening but am thankful I have my manager to talk to but I know what I tell her upsets her as we are close. I hate my life and everything about myself. I literally feel like I don't want to be around anymore and feel I am a burden to everyone around me. Even if it's a small amount of people.

Lonely8T5R · 13-03-2017, 09:48 PM

He said he would come with me but he has to work and can't get away as it's quite a way from where he is. We don't really live close together. I am also glad my manager is supportive and always has been. I have never really reached out to get help so not sure what to really do. I have always thought I was coping with everything well but this just shows how much lying I have been doing to myself. Bring sectionnwd right now is not something I want and want to avoid it as especially don't want my mum knowing what is going on. She is in a bad place at the moment and after successfully completeing a detox last year is back on the drink so don't want to make it worse than it is for her already. I think I am just scared also as this is the first time I have really asked for help from my GP and this to me just shows and proves that I am not as strong as I once thought I was and that I am literally at breaking point.

HopeRises · 14-03-2017, 01:01 AM

It's really natural to be scared and mental health professionals will be so used to seeing it. I think everyone is probably scared the first/first few times.

I also agree with epic that they are highly unlikely to section you unless you are a serious risk and even then, they probably wouldn't do that at first either. It's kind of like a last resort. I understand having that thought though and it consuming you/making you not want to be 100% honest but the more honest you are (in theory) the better they can treat you/meet your needs.

Also, you say you're not as strong as you used to be but knowing when you need help and ask for it isn't weak, it actually shows how strong you are for reaching out. That takes a lot of courage and strength.

Good luck with your appointment. Keep fighting x

Lonely8T5R · 14-03-2017, 02:45 PM

@Hoperises I think I am just worrying so much and it bothers me I have trust issues and automatically tell people I am ok. I have been seeing that GP a while now and felt able to talk to her and seeing the CPN I feel that I am going to have to open up straight away and that's just not me. I really want to know what the referral said. I close up after talking to someone as feel exposed and not used to it like I need to protect myself. I have had ideations and know people would be better off without me around but don't think I have the strength/courage in order to tell her that. But something tells me she will already know this. As I couldn't even answer the GP when she asked me.
Thanks for your well wishes. I am really trying to keep fighting as much as I feel I am loosing the battle already.

HopeRises · 14-03-2017, 06:34 PM

Could you write stuff down and maybe pass that on? Like maybe say how you tend to say everything is okay when it isn't? They won't expect you to pour out your life story straight away. Your first appointment is more likely an assessment base thing? So you can get to know them/they get to know you.

You can do it.

Lonely8T5R · 14-03-2017, 07:05 PM

@HopeRises I journal so will bring that along with me as it's starting to build up now that I have been doing it for a while. Might make it more easier for me. Thanks. I am hoping that's what it will be. Couldn't cope with full on everything out first time.