Feeling very low

[chinahorse]

Im not sure what to say. I feel so so low right now.

Ive finished uni like actually finished for good and now every adult type I meet is on at me on what I want to do now.

My work situation keeps going from bad to worse.

My psychiatrist left me.

My cpn didnt even notice I was under the influence of drugs when I last saw her.

The 'hallucination' are getting to the point where Im barely able to work. I keep dissociating and doing odd things according to those at work.

Im doing a lot of risky behaviours.

Im sinking into 'Id be better off dead'. Because theres nothing wrong with me and I should be able to manage a shitty job at a milkshake bar and I should be coping and Im trying so hard.

And theres so much that I cant put into words. I cant explain. Things aren't getting better than this. I need out. I feel unsafe.

[Bellatrix]

What about the cassel? chase that up.

[Uglyducklin]

HugsLillie I agree with Jodie do you feel able to chase things up? I'm sorry things are hard.

[chinahorse]

I asked my cpn when I saw her tuesday. They havent made the referral yet. Something about needing something typed up.

[chinahorse]

I just got a letter from my CMHT that said while my old psychiatrist wanted me seen in a month (a few weeks ago) they don't have a psychiatrist for me to see. They are sorry.

Such a joke. I wish Id never seen my old psychiatrist to know that better care exists.

[tiptoes]

That is ridiculous, did they offer any time frames? You shouldn't have to put up with this sorry that you are having to.

[chinahorse]

No.

Im writing the worlds most rambly complaint letter atm.

Im struggling to keep my head above water.

[chinahorse]

Im finding things hard again and could do with a little support.

Ive done self care but feel so so bad. The men are telling me to OD. Theres nothing to stop me except me. And Ive figured out something really bad.

And Im legit a fat spotty mess. And Im messing everything up.

I want to go out and have sex with people and get high and not care. And I want to jump off a building after. Because I cant stand this feeling.

Im such a looser. And I keep getting things wrong. And Im in my overdraft because of my sodding graduation and yet I still went and bought clothes today because Im fat and ugly and I needed to be someone else and hide my body.

I feel awful guys. I really feel awful.

[talaiporia]

Hi. I'm sorry you didn't get a reply earlier. How are you feeling now?

It sounds as though you're feeling very self-destructive right now. Do you have things lined up for the summer / post-graduation?

[chinahorse]

Thanks for replying.

I feel like my life is on hold until I know whats going on with the referral. They are now talking and stuff but its not officially been made yet. I know these things take time but Im struggling.

My cpn and I talked about how to keep things contained but she jumped on me saying my physical health is quite bad and blamed everything on that. The best she could offer was just hold on. Shes on holiday next week and the cmht have noone for me to see instead. Its a piss take. She offered to get duty to ring but well if I want sympathetic noises Ill just ring my mum?

Everything I write here just sounds overly dramatic so I'll stick with things are really tough right now.

[chinahorse]

I feel awful and I dont know anyone I can bother to talk to me. And I want to OD. So Im getting drunk but I have to manage a shop tomorrow. Please.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs Lillie how are you now? X

[chinahorse]

Im struggling and having huge ups and downs in mood. I feel no one cares.

My physical health is poor and I have asked to reduce hours at work so I dont have to go off sick but they are relying on me at work- rn we are in a situation once again where if I call in sick on my rota'd days the store wont be able to open. Im doing a managers job pretty much. And no one communicates to me so when for instance the floor repair man calls I have no sodding clue what to tell him cos I didnt know we were getting the floor repaired to start with.

And Im drinking and purging into oblivion and doing other stuff and Im just not coping. Theres no one to talk to. All MH people are saying is hang on until this referal goes through. Im running out of hang on. And there is no plan B.

I cant believe Im doing things dissociated again or that bought a harmful substance to hurt myself with. I spent all my money last week. Not my savings but my rent and bill money.

I keep forgetting to do normal things and I find work so hard because I can hear and see things and Im not sure whats there and what isnt. I also constantly feel very dissociated like Im watching myself do life or how you feel when drunk?

I dunno guys. Please help me out. I really REALLY need some support rn.

[Epicene]

Youre in my thoughts x

[tamobhuuta]

no advice but wanted to send my love. just keep breathing?

[chinahorse]

Thanks both.

The problem is Im struggling to keep going. Dont know how to deal with the premonitions or people following me. I wrote an email to the police because maybe they can help? Im worried somone will follow me in the morning to work and steal my keys to the safe, even though theres a code as well.

And I feel like an inconvenience.

[Bellatrix]

You're never an inconvenience.

[chinahorse]

BUt no one knows what to saay or hw to hep and I feel so bad and I want die I cant

[Epicene]

Youre not an inconvenience. Please keep using this space to explore how youre feeling.

[Uglyducklin]

Hugs you are never an inconvenience ever. Please keep using this space