Hi. I hope this is okay to post. I am putting this here as I think it is likely more related to mental health things than not, so general did not make sense, and it did not make sense to put in serious.
Basically, I've been putting off doing a lot of things I really should do. The reason I have not been doing them essentially is because they require appointments and having things scheduled in advance. I have been reluctant to plan anything because I am pretty sure I am going to be dead, or at the very least in hospital and don't want to deal with having to cancel or not show up at the last minute. Also I have a hard time with talking on the phone and making phone calls, and the things require that. And human interaction. And getting out of bed and being somewhat functional during the day.
I am wondering if perhaps I post this, people can help me be accountable and help me figure out how to make it okay to schedule things and maybe get a few of the more important things done. I don't want to post a list or anything here because I'm sure it would be mundane and nobody would care. I have lists on post it notes and on my laptop so I do have them.
I can't be dead until at least after next weekend, as I have family coming to town that I really like and want to see. So I think this week might be a good time to see if I can try to do some things, as hopefully they would not require too much advance scheduling.
I don't know. I hate to be a bother. Sorry. Is this okay to ask? I will delete if not.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Don't delete it. It's fine to ask. I'll think of a better answer today.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I think it's good you want to do things that are going to keep you alive to attend. By all means this is a safe place you can post about doing that to help you he accountable.
Something I note from this post is a few reasons on why perhaps being dead isn't something you actually want. It's great you want to be alive for when your family come to town that you really like, it's important to have that in our lives. I don't mean this purely as a guilt trip but do you think maybe having people you enjoy seeing so much might be a good reason to avoid killing yourself all together, not just for one week?
It seems like you have this battle - this feeling you have to die, but also your drive to live, to get things done and attend appointments responsibly (not being dead for them), for example where does your concern for not wanting to not show up last minute come from? (Which I think is a good thing, I feel this way too because I don't want to inconvenience those I made the appointment with).
I'm sorry these questions may be provocative but we are talking life and death here and your life is important to me, as a friend, so it would be remiss of me not to ask these questions while I can.
You're welcome to post your list here of what needs doing, I don't think it's boring and might be more motivational and accountable for you if we can see it (only if you're comfy sharing).
A lot of the things are making phone calls and setting up appointments.
I have a cavity I guess needs fixing, which is terrifying so I have been putting it off as I have no idea what that will entail. I need to phone and schedule that.
My dog needs her nails trimmed and I need to talk to the vet about her food and things, and they like you to schedule that.
An old professor said I could pick up my exam, so I need to schedule that online.
I need to find out why I have not gotten a refund on my parking pass, even though it's been over a month so I need to phone about that.
Dog also needs a bath and I want to get her another squeaky tennis ball at the pet store.
I need to pay rent, do laundry, clean my apartment, go grocery shopping, I could keep going.
I don't know. I will try to respond to the rest of your post later when I feel more able to, Aimee. Thank you. Thanks, Oly, as well. I appreciate it.
I guess my goal is to try to make all the phone calls and schedule things tomorrow. But that also means I need to get up and out of bed before 3 in the afternoon. As far as the rest of the things I am very much an all or nothing type of person so it is likely if I can be functional one day it will all get done in a day. But I do need to pay rent Monday or Tuesday, as it is the end of the month.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Okay, that's a good list and it sounds like you have an idea about when you need to do some of them or when you feel more functional that those days will be better.
I just want to check in, is doing these things going to be something you want to do before you die? Like, by getting these things done are you more likely to try and kill yourself?
It's 2pm. I got out of bed to take the dog outside and I'm going back to bed. I think I need to be dead.
I phoned the dentist, but the soonest they could do was next week so I said I would call back then and schedule. Which I won't. Because I'll be dead.
I phoned the vet and scheduled that and an picking up my old exam tomorrow. I also phoned about my parking permit. The man I spoke to was the one in charge and I have spoken to him before, and he remembered me. He apologised and said he would look into the issue personally, since the staff member he assigned did not do it.
I need to go to the grocery store today because the dog has no more medicine. But I can't deal with it right now. I am going to go back to bed because that feels safer. Maybe I can do that tonight. If I have to get up to meet a professor tomorrow maybe I can pay rent on my way home.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It does really really worry me you say you'll be dead by next week.
Is there any chance you could seek some help? You really don't need to be going through this alone. Please remember what I said and the questions above- part of you seems very much to want to live. Once you die you can't go back to that. Give that part a chance. Please.
I went grocery shopping finally. It was awful and crowded and I ended up panicking and leaving, but I got Lyra more medicine at least?
I have spent the evening putting together some new furniture, and I may have ordered a very expensive lego set I have been wanting for years to put in my new bookcases, and now I at least have to be alive next week for that to ship and come. I did not have the money but oh well.
So maybe tomorrow I will phone the dentist back.
I need to meet my professor tomorrow morning and take Lyra to the vet in the afternoon. Perhaps afterwards I will take her for a bath and new toy - not that she will like that, but all I can do is get hew new toys now since she can't have treats. I also have to pay rent tomorrow, so I will do that on the way home from uni. I would like to finish cleaning my apartment also, since the new furniture is together.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Sounds very productive and yay for new lego. (Id say your life doesnt have a price on it and new lego is always good)
I hope tomorrow is as productive for you and that the meeting goes well with your professor. Im sure that whilst lyra might not like the bath time spent afterwards with you would be as much as a treat as a new toy might be.
Thanks, unfortunately it was almost 400$, soooo not exactly cheap.
Strong urges to self harm or od but I am meeting the professor early (for me) so I can't which is making the urges worse, and I may just end up staying up all night.
Thankfully it's a professor I like and get on with, and all I am doing is picking up an old exam, so nothing stressful! And the vet is easy, since we have gone there since my old dog was a puppy, so we've literally gone to this vet and they have had the same staff for years/a decade.
Hmm. Maybe if I get her a new toy we could play with it after. I have a very long list of things to get done tomorrow as well, and have now made a tentative list for Wednesday.
I have gotten two emails about student worker positions at the uni libraries. I feel like I should consider applying because I need the money but I have the feeling it will not be much money so I do not know how worth it that will be. Plus they will think I am overqualified.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
HOLY CRAP BALLS FOR PLASTIC BRICKS? But still no price. And I bet itll look fab. Obviosuly jpegs are required.
Im glad your day isnt likely to be too stressful for that bit at least. And thats a good idea with the new toy.
Try not to overwhelm yourself with lists as good as the are.
I am of the opinion, working a minimum wage job with most of a degree, that any money is money thats useful for bill paying and such and who gives to hoots what they think if you want to apply you should.
Well. It might be a large set that would normally be 100+ dollars. Plus it is retired. (It is one of the Lego Harry Potter sets that I do not have because let's be honest, I have a lot of the sets already.)
The thing is, I think I am going to be getting enough in loans and other aid to cover *most* of my cost of living, and hopefully my mother can still help me out also. So I'm really unsure if the low pay would be worth the amount of time. I really really really need to keep all the courses I signed up for, and it's going to be a lot of work and stress as is. I am unsure adding to it is a good idea, but at the same time any little bit of money might help too?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Hmmm is sare moeny is always useful if you dont think itd stress you out too much but I appreciate your concerns. Maybe go fo rit and worry more if you get offered it? That was always my rule.
You've been really productive, and also good to see you've done something nice for yourself (the lego and the furniture).
Every week you have reasons why you cannot die (Lyra, family, appointments, waiting for the lego etc) which I firmly believe are good, protective things. I wonder if maybe your thoughts about wanting to be dead are the things that are causing you anxiety and conflict, and not being alive? It must be very difficult to be alive having things to stay alive for at the same time as having thoughts about dying. They are two conflicting positions.
I hope you can talk about your suicidal thoughts with the therapist. You have lots of reasons to stay alive, and considering a new job is another positive step forwards.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
You've got some great plans laid out for the next, I like the idea of a new dog toy and play time :)
Also the Lego sounds wonderful! What is the set of? Do you display your other Legos?
xox
Dog toys are actually expensive and if they squeak they don't squeak long with her. She literally chomps them to death, and the toy itself will be completely intact but the squeaker won't work. But she loves toys that squeak so it will probably be a new squeaker toy. I also told her that she could get a squeaker tennis ball to keep at my mom's house, since she loves the one she has here so much.
I got the big Lego Diagon Alley set, and all of my other Harry Potter lego sets are displayed, yes. :) I bought new cases to display them in, and this set has been on my wish list for a few years now. I have most of my harry potter things in the new cases that I got, and with the extra shelves and space on top, I have room for something new. I don't have the money, but I'm afraid the longer I wait the harder it will be to get/find, and the more expensive it will become.
And given that it is a reason to not be dead, it somehow made logical sense?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Night Circus
You've been really productive, and also good to see you've done something nice for yourself (the lego and the furniture).
Every week you have reasons why you cannot die (Lyra, family, appointments, waiting for the lego etc) which I firmly believe are good, protective things. I wonder if maybe your thoughts about wanting to be dead are the things that are causing you anxiety and conflict, and not being alive? It must be very difficult to be alive having things to stay alive for at the same time as having thoughts about dying. They are two conflicting positions.
I hope you can talk about your suicidal thoughts with the therapist. You have lots of reasons to stay alive, and considering a new job is another positive step forwards.
I don't necessarily want to be dead. But I think things would be better and people/animals/etc would be safer if I were dead. I am supposed to be dead. There is a difference. Which I am pretty sure would not make sense to doctor lady or much of anyone else for that matter and they would just see it as reason for alarm/freaking out.
I am pretty sure I am not going to sleep tonight which means it will be a struggle to stay safe until it is late enough to start doing things. There is not really anything on my list I can do until 9 or 10am when places start to open and the neighbors will not mind me making noise.
I will think about the job thing. I am kind of afraid it would be too much, especially if I am not any more functional by time the next semester starts. I have a new class starting next week that is already going to be a struggle. I get what you guys mean about applying and seeing what happens, but even that seems like too much. I don't know if I can deal with trying to dress properly or going to an interview.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I am not terribly concerned. have not been very functional. May have killed a bird.
Took the dog to he vet and she is back up to a good weight. They said she could try carrots or green beans as a treat, or I can make treats from the wet version of her dog food. She tried green beans and seemed to like them so if she does not get ill then that will be good. The weather was not good that day so we went to the pet store but she could not get a bath. I got her a few new toys and a fancy expensive harness that is meant to stop her pulling on the leash. I have her one of the new squeaker toys and she seems to like it. I was also able to take her on a decent length walk with the harness, which has been essentially impossible due to how hard and consistently she pulls. My mom was even able to walk her, which she is normally afraid to do.
Not gotten anything done. Probably still won't. Hiding in bed seems safer. I kind of wish I could be dead already. My Lego set is meant to arrive on Friday so really I can be dead once my family goes home. I can't do this much longer.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
