I don't know what to do with this.

[Auror.]

I'm stuck. I don't know how to stop the same thing from happening over and over again, but professional support doesn't seem to be something I can engage with in a way that they think is acceptable. I can try but it doesn't seem to be enough. I am pretty sure I am going to actually have to kill myself this time, instead of just trying to do enough to hold it off. But I have a dog now and I can't just leave her alone. Plus I am supposed to start school again in another week or so and my mother has forwarded my resume to a friend of hers who may be looking to hire me for a job. Which is also why I have to be dead instead of just in hospital for a day or two.

I stupidly decided to email the doctor lady (psychologist? i think) that I was seeing for a bit. I did not expect a response but now I got one and I don't know what to do with it or how to respond. If I should even bother. I don't seem capable of working with them to the extent they want. There is too much I literally am not allowed to talk about and I don't know how to communicate things properly.

This was her reply:
You are welcome to see me again. However, as we discussed in our last meeting, your participation in treatment would need to be significantly different than it has been in the past. We discussed how we would need to be able to talk about your self-harm and mood concerns, agree to terms of treatment, and work actively toward reducing your self-harm.

If you feel that this is something you'd like to try with me, I'm happy to see you again. This would also be the terms of seeing any other provider in our work group, so if these terms are not agreeable to you, we would need to talk about other agencies/resources that might be helpful to you.

I am out of the office likely until 1-12-15, but if you'd like to schedule an appointment for when I'm back in the office, please let me know.


Can anyone offer any advise? I am sorry for making another post. I really don't know how to stop this and I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

<3

[Pi.R^2]

She does sound a little abrupt!

Is she aware that there are things that you don't feel you are allowed to talk about? She does also mention talking about other agencies/resources that might be helpful to you, so I'd say it's worth meeting with her again, to explain why it is difficult for you to engage on her terms and to see if any of the alternatives would be better for you.

[Ballerina123]

What is it that you find difficult to engage with? Is it that you're not yet ready to work on reducing self harm?

I think it would be worth meeting with her again and explaining how you feel and see if you can both come up with something that might help even if it is accessing other resources.

[Auror.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pi.R^2

She does sound a little abrupt!

Is she aware that there are things that you don't feel you are allowed to talk about? She does also mention talking about other agencies/resources that might be helpful to you, so I'd say it's worth meeting with her again, to explain why it is difficult for you to engage on her terms and to see if any of the alternatives would be better for you.

I have tried to explain in the past, but I think she thinks my wording is inappropriate and that I just don't want to talk about things. Not that I literally am not allowed and cannot. I have said that I choose my words carefully and that I am aware of the difference, and that is why I say it how I do. But then I really can't explain why I am not allowed to talk about things, and there is very little in terms of self harm stuff that I am allowed to say.

I already know her alternatives, and they are really not suitable options. There is a women's rape and domestic abuse place, psychiatric emergency services which is where you go in crisis or if you show up at the hospital, and a community organisation that I am not allowed to use.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ballerina123

What is it that you find difficult to engage with? Is it that you're not yet ready to work on reducing self harm?

I think it would be worth meeting with her again and explaining how you feel and see if you can both come up with something that might help even if it is accessing other resources.

It's not that I would not like to reduce my self harm. It's that I am unable to speak about many of the things she asks or wants to know. For example she asked once what it felt like for me physically when I got anxious. I had no idea how to answer. Justin was there and answered easily, even she answered easily. I just got confused and had no idea. So even things like that, that perhaps I would be able to talk about, I get mixed up and confused and just shut down. As I said in Jenna's reply, her other resources are essentially useless to me.




I emailed her back and attempted to explain that I do want to work on things but I am not allowed to speak about certain things, but that was likely irrelevant because I won't meet her standards. Then apologised for wasting her time. So I assume that is pretty much that.

Oh well. Thank you both. <3

[Too Shy]

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, when you do need that support and you're asking for help.

I don't know if this would be a possibility, but would she be willing to try to help you work towards talking about some of those things, by helping you to express your feelings through other means of communication to start with? E.g. would you be able to talk about things more by writing them down so that you don't get so mixed up and confused? Or expressing yourself and communicating how things feel with pictures to begin with, and then trying to put some of it into words? (E.g. things like the 'blob cards'?)

Take care, and I hope you are able to get some support. x

[Snow White.]

What would happen if you talked about the things you say you're not allowed to talk about?

Please keep holding on xxx

[Auror.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Too Shy

That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in, when you do need that support and you're asking for help.

I don't know if this would be a possibility, but would she be willing to try to help you work towards talking about some of those things, by helping you to express your feelings through other means of communication to start with? E.g. would you be able to talk about things more by writing them down so that you don't get so mixed up and confused? Or expressing yourself and communicating how things feel with pictures to begin with, and then trying to put some of it into words? (E.g. things like the 'blob cards'?)

Take care, and I hope you are able to get some support. x

Thanks, Liv. I don't think she would be able to do that. She wanted me to write some things down before and I did that but then she wanted me to read it aloud to her, which I was too uncomfortable doing. I am ok with her reading it but then I am really not good at discussing things from there. I would essentially need to just have a laptop or notebook or something and maybe I could write out answers to her questions instead of speaking, but that would also require me time to get thoughts together, and essentially render going pointless.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snow White.

What would happen if you talked about the things you say you're not allowed to talk about?

Please keep holding on xxx

I would have to kill myself. Which I already have to do.

[Snow White.]

If you already "have to", why not tell someone what is going on and see if they can help before you have to kill your self?

We would be sad to lose you, I know I would x
Please hold on while we try and work through this xxx

[Auror.]

The longer I put it off the more likely I will have to do other things too, which I definitely want to avoid. I don't honestly see how there is a way to work through it when I am clearly unable to do anything about it. I'm likely not making sense. Sorry for being difficult.

[Snow White.]

You don't want to do the other things and that makes sense. Just wondering, Do you also really want to kill yourself?

Is there a reason you're clearly unable to do anything about it?

I don't think you're being difficult and sorry to hound you with questions but I'm trying to understand xx

[Auror.]

I do and I don't. But it doesn't really matter because I have to anyways.

I can't do anything about it because being dead is the only way any of it will go away and everything else will be ok. And since I don't want to have to do the other things, it is better to get it over with.

I am unsure I am even explaining well.

[Snow White.]

You've had these thoughts before and have ended up still alive, why do you think that is?

Why are you unable to talk about it? Sorry if I've missed that
I haven't experienced this before so I'm not the best person to try and help you, sorry :(

[Auror.]

I have started to do it then semi panicked because I don't want to but have to and stop, and then tell the people at the hospital I was just trying to sleep, since I was not trying to kill myself.

There are rules of what I am and am not allowed to talk about.

It's ok. Thank you. <3

[Morpheus]

Have you ever tried breaking the rules? Or at least questioning or challenging them? Surely if you need to ve dead either way there is no harm in trying to challenge them.

As i see it, if you dont challenge it ever, there is no way of knowing if whatever is making the rules is lying to you. Whether something bad will actually happen or not.

Also i can see where the psychologist is coming from but have been on your side of things as well so know how frustrating it is when you really are trying. I think it is also about learnibg to see it as a safe place where it is actually possible to challenge the rules with help and a person who can ask the right questions and help you see things from a different point of view. It is scary as hell but it also makes it posdible to move forward if you want and is ready.

[Auror.]

I have, yes. It's generally resulted in having to severely harm myself. If I have not bad things have happened to others whom I am close with as a result.

[Morpheus]

Well personally i think that bad things happening to others is completely unrelated to that and this way of thinking is part og why you need to talk to the psychologist. I also think that you need another person to put things into perspective when challenging the rules. If you dont challenge these things you will never get better which i think is probably one of your psychologists reasonings for saying what she does.

I often have convictions of me being the cause of certain things however talking to others helps convince me that these things are completely unrelated to me. Regardless of what i am being told in messages and by voices. It is a scary process where you carry a ton of guilt for a long time but at some point, having others input and reasonings as to why this cant be and saying no to whoever makes the rules do pay off. You have to take control back. It is your life and you decide if you have to self harm or not and a psychologist can help you take vack control.

I used to be completely unable to talk about things. I would shut down, my voices would get so loud a couldnt concentrate on a conversation and i would ve bombarded with commands of punishments after. However with time and finding the right treatment team it has gotten a lot better and by having their support it has allowed me to challenge these things and learning that it doesnt necessarily result in bad things happening and even though i was told to self harm or kill myself, not doing it didnt make my parents drop down dead, get ill or similar. The more i challenged the voices i had, the mire i realised that it wasnt as dangerous as i thought.

I had to make some changes in life in connection with this like avoiding news as i would get messages of how plane crashes or similar was caused by me and it was usually in the news the secret messages came. Its sometimes about realising what things can you do to protect yourself from getting overwhelmed and convinced of these things when you challenge commands. It is a long process and a lot if time its about sotting through these periods where you believe it. Remove yourself from whatever is tempting to do like od. Maybe go for a walk with your new dog when it gets overwhelming. Use her in s positive way to avoid doing these dangerous things. Focus on how she can help you and how you help her instead of feeling guilt for getting her.

I find pets a great way to keep my anxiety down. If they are not scared its likely there isnt anything to be scared of rather in my head and having them close, feeling their warm body can be sort of a grounding tecnique for me. Like my cat purring in my arms. is also comforting and safe having him around and he can feel whenever something is off with me. It was the same with my dog at my parents before he passed.

Use the oppertunities you have. A psycholigist can be a safe place to challenge rhings little by little and o help you see things differently. Whoever makes the rules for you want to isolate you. That is the whole point. If you stand alone they have much more power over you. You are a harry potter fan. Can you remember what luna says to harry while feeding the thestrals about voldemort? It may fit in your situation as well.

You can be told many things but it does not make them true. I could tell you that all trees in rhe world are purple and if you deny it the worlds population would die in horrible ways and chaos would rake over. It wouldnt be true though just like it is not true that if you do not obey, something bad will happen. And no one has the right to decide if another person should die or not nwhatever their reasonings.

Perhaps instead of focus on what you cant talk about with the psychologist, write to her about what you can for now and tell her that in time, when more trust is build you are willing to try to look further into other things and let her help you challenge things in a much safer way and listen to her ideas of things and why you experience what you do. Turn it all around a bit cause right now i see a lit if cant and am not allowed. Then focus on what you can say abd then move further from there. It is also a process of learning how to use a psychologist. It is often not as easy as one would think nor is it supposef to be easy. If it was easy you would probably have no need of going.

Its a challenge and will rip up in old things. It will make you anxious and sad and terrible sometimes but it is often also one of the best ways to move forward. As you wont take meds which i completely respect, then it is one of the only ways for you. But it means that you have to talk abput things you may not want to or be allowed to talk about. But not all at once. However you have to start with something and show you are willing to try. And if ypu feel unsafe after, you are allowed to say that so you can discuss how you can be safe once you leave and possible put things in place to make that possible.

Use her for what she is for. Think about where tou can start, what you can talk about for now and tell her that. Instead of focusing on all tou cant talk about brhst may, in her eyes, seems like slready now you are putting up limitations snd reasons why not to talk to her and that would make her concerned again on whether she can help at all and it makes you seem not very open about seeing her again. Tell her that some of the things you need to slowly move towards for you to ve safe but that you in time will be willing to try to look into these things you are not alliwed to talk about in a safe way. And that by that time it might be helpful for you to have things like a crisis plan written down to follow, ready. What you can do yourself to not act on these rules and if you are not able to be safe on tour own, who to contact etc.

Personally i use my hobbies as a way if distracting and calming myself. I build lego for example or do jigsaw puzzles. For me thats like therapy. I listen to classical music or play my cello. I read if i am able to or watch disney cartoons. Take a hot shower to relax, go gor a walk to get away from the situation. Paint or draw, sit with my cat. If its summer i sit on the balcony and listen to everything around me. The birds, cars etc. I focus on the smells around me. I bake as a distraction as well. I lie under my weighed duvet etc.

By now all these things is something i do without thinking much about it once i feel unsafe and triggered or anxious. It has become very effective. Where i before would just self harm badly straight away it is now rare that i actually get to that as i have many other coping mechanisms put in place. It is up for you personally to find put what works for you. But you need to tell yourself that od is not the only option. And with time you will learn that it is not necessary at all and that bad things wont happen if you dont do it. I would definitely see your dog as a reason not to od. She needs you. You were the one who got her and that means she is your responsibility and that she bonds to you which it great. It also means that you cant just od or die as that would affect her. Instead use her to help you get through the urges to do this. For me my pets are a great motivation not to act on what i get told. They need me. I bought them. I have no right to leave them behind. Instead when i feel overwhelmed or triggered i sit with my cat who is very social and is very attached to me and it helps convince me that it would not be the right choice to leave them just because my voices are telling me to.

Instead of feeling guilt for getting your dog, focus on all the positives you can do for each other. And put her before your need to od. Take her for a walk, cuddle her, play with her. See how much she enjoy your company. You have lots to offer her and you cannot leave her behind to go back to the shelter. So use that to motivate you into nor acting on these things and enjoy ypur new friend instead of feeling guilt. You will both benefit from it and grow even closer.

Use the orher rhings you have interest for to get through things. It os not a matter of having to od the moment the urge or commad or whatever it is arrives. Instead of thinking about how you can od, how many pills you need to fet etc. think about what you can do to not od and the reasons why ypu shouldnt rather than why you should. Turn the situation around. You may find it more helpful than you think even though it is hard. But by trying to change your mindset you slso prove to the psychologist that you are doing one of the rhings she require. Working on reducing self harm.

I also find that if you word things right, you can get around many of the rules and work on things without saying specifics you are not allowed to say but still working on some of the things it is about. That you perhaps manipulate who make the rules ang get around them without directly breaking them. At least that has helped me. So when they tell me that bad things will happen or to punish myself for it, i can reason and convince myself that technically i did not break the specific rules. Like for years i refrained from talking about the voices as i wasnt allowed. So when people started asking into it instead of talking about the voices i talked about how i reacted and felt about some of these things without telling specific of what they told me. I dont know if it makes sense vwhat i try to say is i found holes in their rules that alliwed me to say some things that were important without actually breaking the rules and could therefore reason that though they got angry it would not mean that i had to punish myself as i broke no rule of theirs.

I think these are things a osychologist could really help you with and in time it does get easier to talk about things. But maybe consider what you can talk abput and work from there. Put down words on a paper to help you remember what you wanted to talk about but without writing a letter. Just some headlines snd then go from there. Make clear that sometimes you need a bit if time to find the right response to her questions and if you cant find one she coyld perhaps help you look at it differently as its easy to get stuck in 'i dont know the answer' and start panicking which makes it even more impossible.

I dont know if this is helpful for you but these are things i found has helped me. The modt important thing for me regarding being able to talk was instead of focusing on all the things i couldnt say or do i would think of what CAN i do instead then. How can i communicate then, wgat can i say where we still address important issues in my life. By that building trust and then feeling more comfortable going against the rules that had been set for me and challenge the rhings i was told by my voices. Realising that maybe they had orher interests than the ones they said they had. Msybe they have their own hidden agenda.

I hope this i somewhat helpful.

[Snow White.]

Anna has helped to verbalise things that I couldnt do so eloquently, I really hope you're able to consider what she has said, particularly about working to challenge and question the rules and belief of causing bad things.

Even this hasn't been eloquent, sorry x

[Pi.R^2]

Anna's response is absolutely wonderful, so I hope that you find it really helpful!

I just wanted to add an idea- could you talk about these things if it were anonymous? Like under a second account or even on a different site? That way the reader wouldn't link the information in your writing to you, so it wouldn't really be like you talking about things at all. You could even talk in the third person and put it as creative writing so the reader wouldn't necessarily know it was a factual account. Obviously we'd much prefer being able to talk through it with you here, but I just wondered if a first step might be to get some anonymous feedback about the rules that you feel bound by at the moment.

I don't think I made a lot of sense there, I just wondered if something along those lines might be a way around the rules?

[Auror.]

I'm glad things have gotten better for you, Anna.

I have thought about creating an anonymous account or even using a private password protected blog, Jenna. But that still would not feel safe because once it's on the internet people can find it. I can't have these things anywhere that could be traced and found later. I don't even think I could write them down on a piece of paper with a pen.

[Snow White.]

How are you doing Carmen?