I thought i was a fool for no one....

[Zurg]

I figured it was time that i wrote this thread.... I've been burdening my best friend way too much lately when she has her own stuff going on and i feel like i it would be 'bad' to rely on my cpn too much because she seems like she doesn't really know what to do about me... Now, i don't expect any magic solutions or for you to make it all better. All i need right now is for someone to listen and maybe reassure me that this too shall pass in its own time.

Long story short, my heart was recently broken and it has stirred up a destruction in me that i thought i had left behind. To make the awkwardness even bigger he is still in my life. Mainly because i have chosen to keep him as a friend which some might say is a bad decision but it was never the less the decision i made and i stand by that.

But it is hard. Really, really hard. And it has awakened old demons inside me that i thought i'd never wake again. Now, i've never recovered from cutting but for a good few years i haven't cut deep though this has recently changed and i seem to be back in the belly of the beast so to speak. And i really don't know what to do with myself.... On one hand i know i can't go back to where i came from because i will lose control and accidently kill myself one day. On the other hand i ifnd it so hard to care. I really don't give a fuck about myself and to tell the truth i wish i wasn't here anymore....

I become suicidal when things get really bad. Yet i live with the painful insight that killing myself would destroy so many good people who care a great deal about me. So i try to choose the lesser of two evils and turn to cutting instead.

I want so badly to reach out to people but i am so scared to let anyone see me like this, heartbroken and vulnerable, so i just lie and pretend to everyone that i'm fine and dandy. But i'm at the end of my rope and i really don't know what to do with myself anymore.... Giving up now would be so easy. It would be so easy to just let go and slip away from this life and everything that hurts....

I try so hard to care. Yet i don't treat my wounds and i seem to just let myself be sucked deeper and deeper into this spiral of self destruction. The love i feel just seems to grow bigger and it makes me hurt on levels i didn't even knew existed. I am lost. Completely and utterly lost. And i feel so small and worthless.....

[Snow White.]

Please please don't give up now. You've been through such a hard time recently but as much as this is hurting now this will get better with time, this will pass, and you don't want to throw away the rest of your life and hurt those who care about you for pain that will pass. You CAN Get through this. Focus on your reasons to keep fighting - even if that is for others right now until you see your own reasons and potential again.

I know you want to reach out but it is fear holding you back. What if you reached out and someone was able to comfort you? You're facing so much alone that it might be worth the risk of letting people see you like this, for them to give you some compassion. Do you have people in mind you'd like to tell how you feel?

Also your cpn is there for you to rely on in times like these. She may not know what to do but she is a safe place to talk.

I'm thinking of you and I'm glad you made this thread to reach out. Please keep updating. We're here for you xxx

[Zurg]

Thank you, Aimee. You are quite right, it is now that i must live for others seeing as i cannot live for myself....

I went to my self help support group today at the alcohol counselling place and i told them i was struggling though not quite to what extent. Now i feel guilty for laying my cards on the table and potentially upsetting them/making them worry.... I feel like i'm a whiny little bitch just sucking up the sympathy..... It feels so scary to put yourself out there and admit that things are shit.

My anxiety has returned full force the last month after having been gone for many years.... I get this feeling of dread inside me every once in a while and my legs almost give away and i stumble and fall. Coupled with a racing heart and nausea and dizzyness. Sometimes my voice shakes when i speak because i get so anxious.... My hands shake almost constantly. I really don't need this on top of everything else but what can you do???? I have this feeling of panic inside me all the time.

Which makes me want to drink.... Drink it all away. Which is all sorts of pathetic. But i guess i am pretty pathetic anyway.

I can't sleep at night. I just kind of lay there and feel the panic spreading inside me. The fear of being alone forever. The fear of my own inadequacy and vulnerability. I want so badly to reach out but i am so scared. Which is rather ironic when i always tell everyone else to reach out to me or someone else if they need to.

I want so badly to be tough and strong and sail through my troubles but i now i just feel weak and defeated.....

[Pomegranate]

I just lost a long reply. FFS. I'll try and come back and add to this later Zurg.

I just wanted to say its ok to feel weak and defeated. That's genuinely not how I see you though. You've always been someone I've respected and who has given me by only great support but also a kick upto arse when I've needed it. I don't think you're pathetic and what you wrote about the anxiety symptoms returning really resonated with me. I'm sorry you're using old coping skills at the moment but that doesn't mean you're back to square one. You are still way ahead of where you were several years ago.

What might happen if you were to reach out?

[Zurg]

I'm sorry to to keep balbbering on and on but a few hours ago i was on my way down to the local grocery store and someone tried to rob me. I'm already so anxious and paranoid and i just went home and cried on the phone to my mum.

It just makes me feel so lousy that someone tried to do that and take advantage of me like i'm not worth anything. I don't understand why people can't just leave me alone.... I know this neighbourhood is rough but i was just walking along, minding my own business.

Now i'm getting crazy thoughts of carrying a knife around with me so i at least would be able to defend myself.....

I'll get back to the rest later.... Just needed to get if off my chest. It has really shaken me up.

[tiptoes]

That sounds awful. Did talking to your mum help?

Hope you are ok.

[Zurg]

Yeah, i'm ok. It just really reinforced my feeling of being worthless. It did help to talk to my mum. It was just that i was already scared of going outside today and i really didn't need this to happen. But i'm not going to stay inside because of some idiot. Most of the people around here are ok and just let me be, i'm not going to let one idiot ruin it for me.

Thanks for asking if i'm ok btw.

Emma, you are quite right that i'm now in a very different place to where i used to be. In many ways i have gotten to know myself and my illness a lot better. It has just shaken me up that i still had this need for destruction within me when something like this has happened.

I was so sure i could cope with a rejection but i'm not really handling it very gracefully :/ I also hit the bottle a few times because of it. Which in turn makes me feel all sorts of pathetic.

I guess the romantic rejection has made me dead scared of any kind of rejection which is partly what stops me from reaching out.... The fear of being an inconvenience too. Which also might be the source of the anxiety returning full force now that i think of it. I also think i'm the kind of person who just suffers in silence until something goes horribly wrong because i can't justify my own needs for comfort and validation.

I have come so far but still i feel like i'm ready to throw it all away. Which is pretty stupid, i guess. I just want the pain to end and maybe if i wasn't here anymore then i wouldn't feel anything ever again....

Most of all i wish i had the courage to ask for some help. I wish i felt strong enough that i didn't hide my wounds from my mum or from friends or even professionals. That i could find the words to explain how much this hurts without anyone getting cross with me or thinking 'here we go again...!!!' It's like being on a carrousel of destrcution, it just keeps going round and round and i just crave some peace in my mind. Cutting gives me a sort of quiet relief if only for a few hours.

[Zurg]

I have gone back and forth on whether to update this... I feel like such a fucking drama queen but i am really not coping. And i don't have a clue what to do about it. I should probably call someone but i feel like i'll just be hearing the same things over again and they didn't help before so they probably won't help now and then i'll just be wasting someone's time and i'm also sick of listening to myself so....

I really don't know what to do. I can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't for the life of me get my head to shut up. I'm beginning to get desperate for something, anything, a small relief of some sort. Just for a few hours so i could breathe again.

My body is so tense from the anxiety and i have a constant headache. And everything is just a mess and i feel like a tsunami of sadness came and washed over my life. I can't sleep, have barely slept for a month and everything makes me want to cry.

Sorry for being a whiny bastard.... I just didn't feel i had anywhere else to go with this...