An Endless Loop Of Terror **May be Graphic not sure**

jjbob1234 · 22-12-2013, 01:36 PM

Its the start of 2013 i meet a nice girl... A girl i believe is the most awesome girl i have ever met, Lets call her: "Liz", Of course i'm extremely happy... And before you think this is gonna be a broken heart post keep reading.... I tell my best friend about her lets call him: "Ron"... Me and Ron hadn't known each other for too long but we were like brothers always there for each other always listened to each others problems... But not only that he was one of my first true friends.... Before him for 13 years i only had about 4-5 friends.... i was isolated as a child... Homeschooled... Kept safe from the outside world... And then for 2-4 months all i do is try and get in contact with liz, How ever i can.... Finally i find out one of my friends actually knows her.... And gives me her phone number!

... And i talk to her for a bit... It turns out we have alot in common.... And we start going out!

.... And then one day she randomly says... "I don't feel the same about you anymore"... I was fine with this strangely.... Not completely... But i feel like i took it very well.... Then about a month later... I go out to the park near my house... It was kinda like THE hangout spot... Had kids over there, Stoners over there, Emos over there, Ext.... I met a cool new guy....: "Steve" and he had recently got kicked out of his house so... i decided to go home and make him a sandwich.... That didn't happen... When i got there... I saw a ambulance.... Firetrucks.... And a cop car.... I ran inside.... Tear in my eye as i see... My mom... Laying... Lifeless on the floor.... I Run outside the my neighbors house.... Ask to come in sit down.... This all happened so fast... i didn't know what to do... Shortly after i went to her funeral with ron.... later after that Ron moved away.... Got in some trouble.... Got every thing worked out.... Now he has a wife a house and a kid.... I have a run in with my ant/sister (Not going to go into details BUT) She said if i ever acted up she would have me and ron sent to jail.... Oh and i could never see ron again (Trust me when i say we didn't do anything that bad... Actually i was trying to be better then every one around me when this happened... but it caused me to spiral into what i believe to be anxiety ANYWAY!) I met that Steve character agian... Asking me if i knew someone... Turns out i did! and somehow i ended up becoming really good friends with Steve and a few other people! Life was really starting to look up! My dad started getting old... And weak... And said that food made him tired.... We never understood how bad that was until now... one day ron called me up and said: "Hey you doing anything today" (I hadn't seen him in months) No "Is it cool if i come over for the weekend" I was so excited.... I felt like nothing in the world could go wrong that day.... My dad asked me to help him out of bed.... And when i couldn't help him... He said he was calling my ant/sister.... She called 911..... He died in the hospital 3 weeks later.... Ammonia..... I was then Dragged away from my friends... Which feel more like family to me then my family... (I cant talk arround my friends much im scared, even more so arround my ant, Not ron or my dad though) So i ran home.... Not away... Home... Where i lived for 8 years of my life... The place where im most comfortable... Where my friends are.... They were waiting... my family... They didn't want me to be comfortable... I even tried to explain.... Many times.... To anyone but my ant and uncle..... People listen but they dont understand... Im sure they think im faking this feeling.... But theres nothing more real... Then this freaking pain in my chest.... Pain in my soul.... And my heart....

This story is much longer... And has alot taken out of it... But the biggest parts.... are in it.... The rest is hard to remember sometimes... sometimes i cant even remember my own friends names..... I cant consentrate on anything at the worst of times.... and i cant speak at the worst of times.... I'm in constant pain... And don't know what to do or where to go with the fear of going to Juvy/Jail..... or... Something.... Worse.....

Amaranth · 22-12-2013, 02:01 PM

I'm sorry you've been through so much pain, and I'm not surprised you're still suffering now. Grief isn't just going to go away, your pain is very real and things must seem so difficult.
It really sounds like you could do with talking to a professional - do you have a counsellor or psych or something?
Sorry I can't be more help - I kind of ill and in a lot of pain at the moment so my brain has gone on strike a bit! Just wanted you to know you're not alone & that people care x

Tig · 22-12-2013, 05:41 PM

I'm really sorry to hear how much you have been through. It sounds very painful and well done for reaching out on RYL.

As Amaranth asked, I'm wondering if you have any professional help at the moment?

Thinking of you. x

Patent Pending · 22-12-2013, 05:51 PM

Hey there,

Firstly, welcome to RYL.

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. It sounds really intense and I admire you for coming through it.

Reaching out on here is a good first step towards making things better for you. Have you ever spoken to your doctor etc about how you feel? Was counselling ever suggested to your after losing your parents?

Keep talking to us if it helps.

x x x

jjbob1234 · 22-12-2013, 06:51 PM

theres only one person i was comfortable enough to ask to goto a doctor who was my dad.... And im not getting professional help for the same reason....

Patent Pending · 23-12-2013, 08:44 PM

What do you think at the moment would be most helpful for you, if you are unwilling to receive professional help?

Keep talking to us here if it helps.

x x x

jjbob1234 · 23-12-2013, 09:06 PM

honestly i think living on my own... or with someone other then my ant... would be really helpful.. getting away from most of the anxiety...

Patent Pending · 23-12-2013, 09:13 PM

Do you think that would be a possibility at all?

Have you ever been shown techniques to help with your anxiety?

x x x

jjbob1234 · 23-12-2013, 09:26 PM

Legally? No... Illegally Yes.
And No

But i did just find out if i can last exactly 1 year i can legally move out and have a place to go.

Patent Pending · 23-12-2013, 09:32 PM

It may help to look into techniques which help with anxiety. This website is quite helpful or just try searching 'help with anxiety'.

Can I ask how old you are? There may be mitigating circumstances which might help you get into a better position.

x x x

jjbob1234 · 23-12-2013, 09:37 PM

I'm turning 16 next month.

Patent Pending · 23-12-2013, 09:38 PM

Where abouts in the world do you live? It varies from place to place about where you can ask for mitigating circumstances.

x x x

jjbob1234 · 23-12-2013, 10:29 PM

Texas

Patent Pending · 23-12-2013, 10:39 PM

Ah, I see. From what I can tell the youngest would be 17 in your state but it is a complex issue. (sorry just seen your edit above about it).

What is it about your Aunt's that you feel you don't want to remain there/it's making your MH struggles worse?

x x x

jjbob1234 · 24-12-2013, 08:28 AM

Im not comfortable around her for many reasons...
She always has to get her way and if she doesn't she'll do what
ever she can to do so (i've seen her try to get people fired for not offering her a napkin) she has a bad aura kinda feel about her idk how to explain it... i've been in a calm environment my whole life and she treats me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable i dont think she can help it but im scared to talk to her about it... I've always tried to say around calm people and if they get stressed try to help them get out of the stress but shes stress queen... My life changed completely... and i pretty much lost all my friends... who i goto when i need to be calmed down.... i know shes having a hard time too... but it physically hurts to be around her sometimes...

jjbob1234 · 25-12-2013, 09:44 PM

about a month before my dad died he gave me the choice on who to stay with if he ever passed away before i was 17 (well he said 18 but yeah) i didnt pick this ant i picked my other ant... but im afraid noone will believe me...

Patent Pending · 27-12-2013, 04:07 PM

I'm sorry it is so difficult to be around your aunt. It does sound like they are unhelpful situations be around.

Do you think you could perhaps speak to your other aunt and see what she says? I'm sure your dad would want you to be somewhere you felt comfortable.

x x x

jjbob1234 · 29-12-2013, 07:35 AM

appearntly its up to my ant and my other ant say its unlikely she'll say yes...

Patent Pending · 29-12-2013, 03:35 PM

Could you discuss with her why you feel unable to stay with the aunt you are currently staying with? Perhaps if she understands fully she'll be more inclined to say yes.

x x x

jjbob1234 · 30-12-2013, 11:10 AM

you have it backwards i think sorry im being so confusing
The ant i dont like ant 1 has custity of me
Ant 2 allready said i could stay
Ant 1 needs to approve
Edit: Also my heart beat per minute is 102 resting and 120 standing now... not sure if thats bad... but i also feel a undiscribable uncomfort worse then anxiety now....