Coming back

[little-elf]

Hey, I've just returned to RYL after being away for 2 years... what a 2 years it's been! I'm not even sure if anyone is still around from when I used to post (mainly 2008-2011) but for the rest here's an overview -

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Possibly triggering mentions abuse & SH

I am a childhood abuse survivor (emotional, physical, sexual), I've suffered with SH on and off for the last 14-15 years of my life, I have abandonment issues (thanks dad), self worth issues (thanks mum and pretty much the rest of the family) I've made some very bad choices, especially when it comes to men, my last thread here was in 2011 about me coming to terms with leaving my ex boyfriend and having work issues & me ending up on antidepressants, although I alluded to the fact that he might not be so good for me, I wasn't honest, it took a good while after leaving him to admit the truth - he was mentally and emotionally controlling and abusive for nearly the entire relationship, and for the last half a year was also physically abusive - I just was too weak and ashamed at the time to admit that I'd become nothing more than a punching bag. It was also during this period that I last SH

So when I left RYL I was finding my feet with being single (6 months in it still felt weird) for the first time in a long time, living alone for the first time ever and trying to get used to work & AD's. The last 2.5 years have been crazy! I came off the AD's after 3 months, living alone finally gave my belief that I'm not useless and that I could make it on my own, the guy I was casually seeing although maybe not appropriate turned out to be exactly what I needed as it really did help so much with my self confidence, it ended up carrying on for a fair while but still only casual (anything else would have been a disaster)

Work was the only thing that really wasn't going so well, I got moved to a different department but the management wasn't very understanding and were losing their patience with me, my doctor recommended taking a longer period off work towards the middle of the summer as my sick pay had reset and she worried that it was going to pull my recovery back. And at this point I think I went a little freedom crazy and started reliving my missed teenage years haha! I met someone who is still to this day referred to as my partner in crime, we clicked straight away and he's one of my closest friends, we went out too often, drank far too much, ate irresponsibly and stayed up too late playing computer games, I ended up moving into his flat as I spent most my time there, and even though sometimes we shared a bed because I fell asleep on his, there was never anything sexual between us, it would just feel wrong for both of us!

As this period was coming to end end in which I would need to decide what I was going to do regarding work, I also started feeling that as fun as this 'blowout' period had been, that I needed to get some order back as I was beginning to worry that it was going to devolve into another unhealthy pattern, so I decided to apply to work in Afghanistan! (That's not as random as it sounds, my mother did the job for a fair few years so I knew what it entailed etc) I applied in the August, and at the end of October 2011 I found myself standing in camp Bastion! My first 6 month tour was absolutely fantastic, I did some absolutely amazing things and met some amazing people, I had a 2 week visit to home in those 6 months and my ex had told me he wanted to stay friends and helped support me by sending me things I needed in the post, being there to vent to etc so I was positive about us staying good friends.

End of my first tour, April/May 2012, So it turned out that my ex was trying to play the long game, he just thought if he acted as a friend I'd see he'd "changed" and go back to him. I had just over 5 weeks leave at home, spent time with my brothers, and my friends, and bumped into a friend that I hadn't seen since leaving in October, we swapped numbers, started texting each other and things started getting flirty, over the leave they got more so, we kissed and then spent the night a few days before I left, we agreed to play things by ear and he said he'd wait for me, but given my previous experiences with men, I wasn't too inclined to believe him!

So off I went in June 12, back out to a different camp this time, and oh my was I in for a shock. I absolutely hated it. I didn't fit in with the staff there, I was bullied by my managers and had to put in grievances, I cried my eyes out almost every day, and went through periods of disassociation, however I was too stubborn to leave. It was 4.5 months before I got to come home again for my 2 week leave and true to his word he waited, he was there for me almost every day while I was away and was there to pick me up when I got home. I had an amazing 2 weeks at home and we came to the agreement that should nothing go wrong in the further 6 weeks I was away then we would make it official when I came home in December 12. Nothing did and we made it official a few days after I came home (none of our friends were surprised haha)

I had 7 weeks off this time and decided that January 13 was going to be the start of my final visit to Afghanistan then I was gonna come home for good, however 6 weeks into my tour after 5 weeks of pain I got Medevac home due to injuring my shoulder, turned out I had a really bad rotator cuff impingement and it ended up taking 5 months of physio to fix (all the while I was on SSP) so I was broke and had to make the hard decision to stay with the company a while longer while I got on my feet. They sent me to Germany to work for 2 months to see how my shoulder would hold up, then sent me home to use up my 4 weeks accrued paid leave then 12 days ago I left home to come back to Afghan again. And it is killing me, I hate being away from my partner, my friends, my life and to top it all I'm back in the camp I was in on my second tour and the situation is the same, except the couple of people I got on with and had for support have left the company, the day before yesterday I disassociated for most the day, until night time when I cried myself almost to physical exhaustion and last night I found myself triggered for the first time in over at least 6 months.

I suppose at the moment I'm just looking for somewhere to get a little support and to vent for the time I have remaining here to get me through it, and also hoping that helping others will help distract me.

Thanks if you took the time to read this, any messages of support or questions are welcome, off to work I go!

[teachit]

Welcome back. Good job coming on here for some support. Sorry you have been having such a hard time recently. But remember you have done well before and have had hope. I know you can get there again!!

[little-elf]

Thank you for your words of support, yeah I'm just spending every day focusing on the "end game" and honestly I don't have long left to go at all but every day seems to go on for so long that I get those awful "can I really do this?" doubts creep in.

The other worry I have is that when I was at home getting physio, the things that happened on that horrendous second tour, combined with how much my mind had been altered by being out here - you get almost institutionalised because days are so repetitive & simple to offset the unique stresses of being there you forget how to do the little things like shop for & cook your own food, that dishes need doing, doing your own laundry, that you can go anywhere at any time, having a mobile phone etc - meant that my head was not in a good place and was trying and mostly failing to come to terms with a lot of things and it was causing me to turn inwards and lash out at my partner and it almost came between us, I've only just "got my head together" and I'm just so worried that this is gonna put me back :/

[teachit]

I know this is not a long term fix for anything but maybe making a list of those types of things and making a schedule for yourself would be helpful. You were very regimented and might do well with a schedule that maps out those little things and then it can take some of the pressure off. The laundry doesn't need to worry me because sunday is laundry day.

Have you spoken to your partner about where your head is now?

[little-elf]

A schedule when I get back is a very good idea, I'm also hoping to get straight into a new job which will help a lot (I find it difficult not working now) and I'd like to hope that I can learn from my mistakes last time. Yeah he knows, I honestly don't know what I would have done without him, I've never met anyone who'd had so much patience with me (except my best friend but we've been through so much and have known each other so long that it's bonded us).

The people that work out here are some of the most horrid I have ever met, bullying is rife and the management don't care - in some cases they are the perpetrators - and the woman in the bedspace next to me is trying her best to make my life a misery putting in complaints about things I haven't done to the manager cos the things that are bugging here aren't against the rules and she's just being selfish, but when I defend myself I'm not believed.

I have to try and look at the positives though, I should have less than 2 weeks to get through (nothing compared to what I've done before but this is just dragging so badly) and I've been getting on with one of the girls who I work with, and she commented last night on how we always chat on our 30 min dinner break and suggested we go out for a meal (pretty much the only recreational thing you can do here heh) so we can have a chat away from work, so that's something :)

[teachit]

Good job finding something to focus on that is good. Hope you take her up on that