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Depression and Social Anxiety
Where to start...
I often lie awake at night imagining a life where i'm happy and enjoy living whilst maintaining an overall feeling of sadness and hopelessness at ever achieving that. I've been wishing for a number of years now (most nights) that i just wouldn't wake up the next morning because every day just seems grey and boring and difficult.
Some perspective: i recently dropped out of my 3rd year at uni because i didn't do any work for fear that it was too difficult which mixed with my self-worthlessness and hopelessness to create a strong procrastination. Now i have trouble falling asleep because i know that to get a job i have to explain things about myself (why did you leave uni?) whilst projecting a confidence i know is unfounded. All the while i feel the (often self imposed) heat of judgement bearing down upon me making me feel sick with worry.
For my whole life i have felt scared around new people. Given enough time and a relaxed atmosphere i can make friends however i never fully open up to anyone because i am scared to put myself out there like that. I despise feeling vulnerable. In this way i don't feel i have what is considered the traditional 'best friend' in anyone. I do have close friends i just don't share my feelings with anyone.
My anxiety is probably best described with an example: my sister has had a boyfriend for a number of months and since i've come back from uni he has visited my house numerous times however i haven't said one word to him and avert my eyes from his direction whenever i see him. This is a pretty common occurrence for me because it's basically how i walk down the street every time i leave the house. I am scared to look people in the eye and i get genuine thoughts of running and hiding when confronted with a group of new people. The sense of dread makes me feel sick.
All this stress has to be released somehow, that somehow for me is anger. Latent, usually but there nonetheless. It has become a crux for me, desirable almost. I enjoy feeling angry; it is still uncomfortable and dangerous but in almost a masochistic way i revel in feeling rage bubbling beneath the surface. I will often lie awake at night listening to songs i feel are sad or angry and live vicariously through dreams of releasing my anger in fights, being humiliated socially and imagining the fear, embarrassment and anger that would rise up in me and ultimately feeling sad, worthless and hopeless. As if i know i will never amount to anything despite what some forgotten, pleading corner of optimism my mind reluctantly clings to.
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