My mood has dropped like a stone. Again. I've been out of hospital for a month now and I want to stay out for good but I can't even last a few weeks without being back in the same ****ing place again. In short, I'm suicidal and want out. It seems so much simplier than attempting life, which I will inevitably fail at.
I'm struggling cos I don't have much to do with my time right now and I'm getting isolated. I'm applying for voluntary work and such but it takes time to set up and I'll have to occupy myself for at least another month or so. My social anxiety seems to have become unmanageable and out of nowhere. I can't bring myself to call my friends. I'm getting BPD about the whole thing and feel neglected and let down, even though I've done the same to them. It's not cool.
Another thing is everyone in my life seems to be ill and I'm struggling to find some stability and light within it all. I love these people to bits but it's difficult when everyone I seem to know is struggling at the same time. I try and help them but I don't feel like I make much of a difference.
I've gained a **** ton of weight. I actually wasn't too bothered about it, shock horror, but it's starting to grate on me. I'm at my heightest weight ever. EVER. Needless to say, I think I'm extremely fat. And I can't lose weight cos I'm addicted to food. And I can't talk to anyone about it, not to mention the above issues, because I'm too ashamed.
At the same time as all of this, as contradictory as it sounds, I feel like I'm perfectly fine and making everything up, and I don't deserve any help or care from professionals especially. I've been taken on by the PD team and I'm sure they are regretting taking me on becauses I'm clearly fine and just being dramatic and attention seeking. They are only meant to take on the most severe cases. But there is nothing wrong with me and I need to get a grip. I don't feel like I have anything to talk about in appointments, especially if I have a more stable/less dramatic week. I'm not used to working with someone who wants to hear whats been going on and I don't know what to do with it.
You do deserve help. What ever problems arise, if it appears to others like it's attention seeking [not saying it is] you still deserve help because there is reason behind behaviours. Attention seeking does have a bad stigma attached to it, i prefer the term care seeking.
How long have you been seeing the PD team for? I am wondering whether maybe if you have been going for a while is it worth changing the therapist? If relationships don't click with one therapist, it doesn't mean that it never can with another.
Also it depends how you respond to treatment, it can take time to learn how to use treatment to help you and before this happens it can feel like, there's nothing wrong, why are they seeing me, i am not as bad as the next person etc , it feeds the negative thoughts.
Have you told them how you feel that you are not used to working with therapy teams?
Maybe I haven't got much good advice but I just wanted to say that it is possible to feel better and get your life back on track and you do most definitely deserve help!
I felt similar to you. BPD. In and out of hospital. Self-harming, suicidal... Fat. I had a gastric bypass and have lost 7 stone. I'm getting married in 3 weeks. I'm under the pd team now too and start dbt in a week or so. Life has really turned around. I lay thinking sometimes about the times I tried to take my life and wonder why I didn't realise at the time that things could get better. Don't give up hope. It really can get better! I am proof. Pm me if you need to chat xx
I hope you find a way through this distressing time.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I'm not sure how helpful this is, but I just wanted to say that there definitely is hope. I can really empathise with what you have written, as there was a time when I felt many of the things that you are feeling. I spent the last 8 years in and out (mostly in) of hospitals; many suicide attempts, depression BPD etc etc.
Anyway the point of this is not for me to talk about myself, I just wanted to share because after all those times when I thought that there was no possible way through and no hope I have made it through the other side, and I believe that YOU CAN TOO.
I know that it is so hard to hold onto hope when you feel so low, but please persevere and hang on with your fingernails if need be, I believe that you will get through this and that you can have so much better. You deserve help and you deserve happiness. Please don't feel like you are attention seeking or that you don't deserve help, you do deserve it. If the PD team has taken you on it's because you need the help, but also because (I think) that they can see hope for you too, they wouldn't offer their support and resources to someone who was perfectly fine.
Please take care, I hope that you can get through this and I hope that something in this helps xxx
My mood has dropped like a stone. Again. I've been out of hospital for a month now and I want to stay out for good but I can't even last a few weeks without being back in the same ****ing place again. In short, I'm suicidal and want out. It seems so much simplier than attempting life, which I will inevitably fail at.
I know that it's hard when your mood drops, and when it drops it drops hard. But, if you don't attempt life, you've already failed. Sorry, i know that's blunt and possibly not what you *want* to hear, but I think you need to hear it. I understand that you want out, everything feels too overwhealming at the moment and I just wanna hug you.
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I'm struggling cos I don't have much to do with my time right now and I'm getting isolated. I'm applying for voluntary work and such but it takes time to set up and I'll have to occupy myself for at least another month or so. My social anxiety seems to have become unmanageable and out of nowhere. I can't bring myself to call my friends. I'm getting BPD about the whole thing and feel neglected and let down, even though I've done the same to them. It's not cool.
At least you're applying, that's a huge thing. For the longest time I couldn't even find the courage to apply, due to depression and social anxiety. You haven't done anything to them, and in the same token they've not done anything to you. They probably don't know what to do or how to help. Try a text? It opens up the lines for communication and you may just feel better for it :)
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Another thing is everyone in my life seems to be ill and I'm struggling to find some stability and light within it all. I love these people to bits but it's difficult when everyone I seem to know is struggling at the same time. I try and help them but I don't feel like I make much of a difference.
Oh boy I know this feeling! Sadly, the only way I could cope, was to detatch from them. And I mean, it wasn't easy, I'm talking walking away from my Mother, who is my best friend - because I had to insert some kind of self preservation into my life. I took on and still do, too much. It was part of my breakdown and I'm trying to slowly learn not to take on so much.
You might not like the idea of being unattatched, but for now, it might help you.
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I've gained a **** ton of weight. I actually wasn't too bothered about it, shock horror, but it's starting to grate on me. I'm at my heightest weight ever. EVER. Needless to say, I think I'm extremely fat. And I can't lose weight cos I'm addicted to food. And I can't talk to anyone about it, not to mention the above issues, because I'm too ashamed.
never. Be. ashamed. This isn't your fault, you don't deserve it and you DO DESERVE HELP. Talk to someone, even if it's me. I don't mind. PM me any time you need help, I suffer from weight issues and an ED too so honestly, i get it.
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At the same time as all of this, as contradictory as it sounds, I feel like I'm perfectly fine and making everything up, and I don't deserve any help or care from professionals especially. I've been taken on by the PD team and I'm sure they are regretting taking me on becauses I'm clearly fine and just being dramatic and attention seeking. They are only meant to take on the most severe cases. But there is nothing wrong with me and I need to get a grip. I don't feel like I have anything to talk about in appointments, especially if I have a more stable/less dramatic week. I'm not used to working with someone who wants to hear whats been going on and I don't know what to do with it.
The moment you stop pretending, is the moment you can start getting better. But until that moment, as far as you're concerned, you're not ill. So there's nothing to fix?
You deserve help, and without trying to sound horrible, clearly you need it. <3 Y ou're not alone. xxx
Just tonight, I wont leave and I'll lie and you'll believe. Just tonight I will see, that it's all because of me
Thank you for your replies, they were all really helpful.
Mixtape - thank you!!
Melanchonlia - it was very helpful, thanks for taking the time to reply.
Heaven20 - thanks for such a comprehensive reply! Detaching from people is a good plan, although it's hard because I a) still care about them and b) don't want to get more isolated. And I def am ill, just in denial about it a little bit.
I was at my mums house for the weekend and it was very stressful; I shouldn't have gone. But I'm back home now and very pleased to be here. I've set out a plan for myself (just a basic routine) that's realistic (I tend to get ahead of myself very easily) so I'm going to try that out tomorrow and see how it goes. And I've managed to stay safe which is good. I'm worried I'm going to hit another bad period of depression and being suicidal soon. I can feel it coming. I'm determined to stay out of hospital though.
Hey Katie,
You've had some great advice and support. I jusy wanted to pop in and give you a hug and say that we're here for you. I'm somewhere similar right now, but we can get through it. Hugs xx
I overdosed last night. Can't take this anymore. Didn't go to hospital for it, but can't anyway, too scared. My CPN is coming in a bit. Not sure whether to tell him or not.
It was very small I don't need any treatment or anything. Just need to sleep it off. Didn't tell my CPN about it but had a very good appointment, he was really helpful. Feeling a little more settled now. It's clear I have a **** ton of issues though
I'm kind of struggling, all over the place to be honest, had a very bad night last night with nightmares and dreams, I need to sort myself out beofre I do something stupid again
