Feel kind of self conscious posting this thread but here goes.
I've been doing pretty well in general for the past few months - I haven't self harmed for three months, I've been working 40+ hours a week, I've been going to a therapy group every week and I've generally kept on top of everything. I've sometimes felt pressured (I live with my boyfriend and the money I bring in is really important, I've never worked this much before and I know I can't mess this up) and stressed but generally coped/kept it under control.
I usually go out most weekends. Last weekend, the weekend before, for ages it's been fine. I've not drank too much, and if I have drank a little more than I should, it's been fine. Until Saturday.
I was fine until near the end of the night until I must have just drank so much I didn't really know what was going on. I walked outside into the smoking area and saw my boyfriend talking to a group of people. I have NO idea why, but I thought I saw him with his arm around a girl. The thing is, he wasn't - I know that now - but at the time, that's what I saw. I don't understand why I saw something that a) wasn't true and b) something I know for a fact would never happen and c) conflicts with just how much I trust him. Because that's the thing, I trust him 100%. I don't know why alcohol made me see that. Anyway, I got really upset and made him feel awful.
On the way home, with him and two of my friends, I flipped. I ended up breaking down in the street and rang an ambulance saying I wanted to kill myself. The awful, terrifying thing is, I don't even know mentally where I was when all this was happening. It's like alcohol, and my illness, were totally in control and like I wasn't even there. I don't want to kill myself, not at all, and I'm mortified that I said that. I upset one of my friends who's had a friend in the past commit suicide. I upset and angered my boyfriend. I'm utterly ashamed. Also I remember whilst still out, I tried to find something to self harm with. Again, I'm utterly embarassed and incredibly disappointed that I did that. Thankfully I didn't find anything, but I could so easily have ****ed up three months of work.
When we got to my friend's house, I apologised to my boyfriend and he ended up calming down. The next day, yesterday, I spent the entire day beating myself up. Every second. Today I am calmer but feeling embarassed, mortified, disappointed and pretty damn low. I want nothing to do with the person I was on Saturday night. But my boyfriend will remember, and my two friends will remember. And I hate that.
I just feel really lonely right now and I can't stop beating myself up. Urgh. :( I'm sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest - I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I've been struggling with low feelings and not being able to talk about them for a while but this is just horrible, and the worst thing about this, is that it's all my fault. :(
Last edited by Carla_x : 11-03-2013 at 07:33 PM.
Reason: ugh
Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back
Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
I don't think it is your fault unless you knew this would happen. I would call it an accident.
From the way you are writing I guess you didn't know that the alcohol would affect you in this way and I guess you don't want this to happen again.
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
Oh love, I don't know you but I've had a similar experience and spent so long beating myself up over it.
I think apologising to your boyfriend and friends was wise, as it sounds like you gave them a fright, but you need to cut yourself some slack. You're ill. Maybe not something they can see, but you are. If you'd collapsed with a heart problem, lung etc etc then they wouldn't haven't thought twice about it.
I have real issues with dealing with guilt and shame, and it sounds like maybe you do as well (this maybe me being massively presumptuous!) Have you tried writing it down and burning it/ripping it up?
Are you in therapy/counselling? As I'd suggest you bring this up with a professional is possible.
Take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you've never been hurt because every 60seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back
...don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
Oh love, I don't know you but I've had a similar experience and spent so long beating myself up over it.
I think apologising to your boyfriend and friends was wise, as it sounds like you gave them a fright, but you need to cut yourself some slack. You're ill. Maybe not something they can see, but you are. If you'd collapsed with a heart problem, lung etc etc then they wouldn't haven't thought twice about it.
I have real issues with dealing with guilt and shame, and it sounds like maybe you do as well (this maybe me being massively presumptuous!) Have you tried writing it down and burning it/ripping it up?
Are you in therapy/counselling? As I'd suggest you bring this up with a professional is possible.
I've apologised to my boyfriend. I haven't spoken to one of my friend's yet because I've been too ashamed.
I know I'm ill but I feel like it's my own fault because I was drunk and it happened because I was drunk. I do have problems with guilt and shame. I go to a weekly therapy group but it's not on this week.
I just feel like I'm in a spiral at the moment of ****ing things up. I feel like I'm in a really lonely place and feel like everyone's gonna get sick of me and leave me, particularly my boyfriend.
Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back
Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
Well, it sounds like things got very out of control the other night. You say this doesn't usually happen, and I think it's important to remember that alcohol+crazy is often a bad combination, and even if it seems very unfair, there is always going to be more repercussions on us than the average person, and that alcohol is very definitely best kept to moderation.
I drank to much and ended up being crazy and then A&E once. In all honesty it would have likely happened sober, but I found the best thing to do was ignore it and move on. Nobody else wanted to talk about it either, and it really was best just swept under the carpet and moving forward. Yes, it's embarrassing, yes, they're probably going to be thinking about it right now, but they will get over it.
What else has been happening, aside form this incident and the drinking?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
