I had a medical assessment this morning- this doctor came to the house and asked me questions. He was nice but it was so horrible. I had to tell him how i rarely have baths because its too exhausting, i dont do much at the moment because i cant motivate myself and about some embarrassing body stuff.
Feeling really bad about myself now. he asked me some 'simple' maths stuff to see how my brain works- i had to take 7 away from some numbers and i struggled! i used to be intelligent now im so dim and my brain just does not work. im trying with eating but it takes time. wish i could just be 'fixed' without doing the hard work but i know it doesnt work like that.
i dont feel capable of very much right now and its frustrating. what if this eating disorder has ruined my mind for good? that scares me.
would just like some hugs and encouraging words if anybody has some?
a journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step
It sounds like things are really bad right now, with your ED and mood stuffs. The ED hasn't ruined you forever. It sounds like you're having trouble taking care of yourself right now. Are you eating and drinking enough? If you aren't getting the bare minimum number of calories your body needs to function then your body and brain will start to shut down. This isn't irreparable.
The first step is to take care of your body, physically. This means food, or calories, at least enough to function. Then, the rest of it; energy to shower, and take care of yourself, will start to fall into place. When you've got enough energy to function you will find your brain function comes back too.
I know it's not easy, and I know it's a lot easier for me to sit here at the other end of a computer screen, but food it one of the most basic things we need to function.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hugs I'm so sorry you are struggling. You aren't stupid. Your brain doesn't work because it isn't nourished. Could they consider inpatient for you? Sorry things are so tough. Just a pm away if you need xx
thank you for the replies. you are all so kind.
im feeling a little calmer now, just exhausted from the day i guess. I think maybe today will turn out to be a turning point yes, as i refuse to let this nasty illness take away any more of me. I want to study a degree soon, i want to do things i know i would be capable of without this.
I have been working on upping my intake lately, but know i could do much better. its hard but after today, i know i need to do it.
to talaiporia- you talk alot of sense and i know you are right. it amazes me how much the body actually needs just to get through the day.
I have found a couple of self help groups which may be worth a try.
a journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step
there has been a little turn of events today- in a positive way though.
I have decided not to let that assessment get me so low. it was a bad day, its behind.
anyway, before that i had been looking up this online degree in creative writing, and today i have applied for the finance! part of me is so anxious and thinking can i do it? but i was chatting to my mum and i know my mind is not going to 'fix' itself. i need to do it.
I think this could maybe really help me in my recovery- i have always loved writing and stories and this course is very low stress- i do it all online, there are no exams and lots of tutor support. it will also push me to keep improving with my eating as i need to be able to focus again.
does anyone think im being foolish doing this course or have i done a good, positive thing?
a journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step
I'm glad you're sounding so positive and recovery-orientated.
I do think you need to be at least maintaining the minimum number of calories to function (even if it's still lower than it should be), to provide your body with enough energy to breathe, think, and generally get through the day. I know it's blunt, but you will struggle with work if you aren't getting enough calories to keep your brain clear.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
my head is sooo out of control! one minute i think i can handle something then im having a major panic! i should not have applied for any finance. i know really im not ready to study at that level yet. been reading up more on the course and i cant do it! really freaking out. want to SH or something and just dont know what to do. is it too late or will student finance let me put it on hold? but does that make me a failure? both my brothers are working or studying and i dont do anything but i dont feel capable of this and am panicking big time
a journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step
You know, you will have choices further on, whichever way you decide.
Don't self harm. There's nothing wrong with applying. Even if you do decide not to do the course, you can always turn it down. It doesn't make you a failure.
Try to calm down. Could you get some sleep?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Hun breathe you can do it. There is no harm in applying I totally agree with Sophia. You don't deserve to be punished or self harm. Can you talk to your mum! Xx
thank you both. i woke up in a bit of a state but am feeling a hue sense of relief right now- i just rang student finance and they say when my application arrives. they wont process it. im so relieved. its like a huge weight has been lifted. Im going to find something gentler and more manageable for now.
a journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step
