Maybe this sounds really strange but I don't want to become mentally healthy. Maybe i'll change my mind in the future but right now I feel like it defines me and I wonder who i'd be without it and if i'd know what to do without it. When I came out of hospital I was feeling quite good, I coped ok with that but it didn't last long. My psychiatrist keeps telling me that BPD improves with age and that scares me. What will happen when I can make my own decisions without BPD telling me whether i'm allowed to do it or not? What will my thoughts and feelings be like and what will be going on inside my head? Hopefully when the time comes i'll be ready.
I've been put on a depot that has completely got rid of the men in my head. I feel insecure and alone. They used to cause me a lot of distress but I still want them to come back. Mental illness is all i've known for a long time. I don't want a new life in case I can't cope with it.
Does anyone feel the same or similar?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can definately empathise with this. I'm terrified that I'm going to get 'better' and then they'll discharge me and then I'll completely fall apart again.
But I think that's just because you're not completely well yet. You might be feeling better/appearing better because you don't have the voices anymore, but you're not completely better because then you wouldn't be having the feelings you are.
I think you are completely better when you are the one who says 'I think I'll be ok now' to your worker, and you decide when you don't need their help anymore. And then you'll go out and enjoy that life out there you can have without the constrictions of mental health.
Personally, (and im probably repeating myself here) i think you feel the way you do because you're not fully better yet. When you're fully better, hopefully you will feel differently about it/want to go out on your own and enjoy your life.
Can you busy yourself with stuff like seeing friends if you feel lonely?
ok, i don't mean to sound harsh... but it wasn't like you were really coping very well with the men, and all the other problems bpd and all that came with. so when you're considering getting better, yeah, you might not be able to cope with it. but you KNOW that you can't cope with staying ill.
and anyways, really getting better means having more coping skills. so you're afraid that you're not going to be able to cope with having more coping skills... how does that make any sense? i mean, i can kinda empathize, since i wondered the same thing about who i would be without my ocd, but logically the worries make no sense... getting better also means growing and developing new sides of yourself, they'll replace what you lost with something much better
Last edited by PassedExpectations : 03-01-2013 at 11:04 PM.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I used to feel like this until I realised being 'Ill' didn't get me anywhere. I wanted a life and was sick of it.It was scary as hell coming out of that bubble and I guess losing that crutch(?) but it was definitely worth it! Now I try (& am scared of falling back in) it is something you have to be ready for I guess. I am still on meds and I still see a psych and life isn't all perfect but it is. He'll of a lot better.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Years ago, I felt like my illness defined quite a lot of me and I allowed it to. I talked about it a lot, it was always a state of mind for me. But the fact is, that does change and when it does, you will be so much happier. You will be free to actually be yourself, and the process of rediscovering who you are is amazing. That may all sound like a cliche, maybe it's not true for everyone, but it has been true for me.
You are not your illness, you're so much more than that.
Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back
Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
this is something i have always struggled with, even before i had proper diagnoses.
my therapist thinks that this is why i can't fully recover from my problems. i keep a part of myself in those little boxes where i keep my disorders. :\
Maybe its because your using BPD as a excuse sometimes and if you loose that diaganosis you know longer have it as a excuse as to why you did something or how you acted.
Dont define your self by your disorder you are so much more than it.
I used to be exsactly the same scared that if I'm not mental what do I have to talk about, most of my friends I had met through hospital but I started therapy I had to make a promise not to harm myself and I was terrified I and got pregnant so couldn't hurt myself or act irrationally and it was so scary but as I learnt other ways of coping, I went back to work, I started making friends that had no idea about my mental ill health I was looking forward to a life without being mentally unstable but I was still scared about loosing my mental health team and being completely alone.
Now I am having a mini breakdown and I feel I'm unwell again I would love to go back to not having problems and not having a lie to friends about why I can't see them and the constant out of control feeling where I'm just terrified all the time!
But basically once you give it a chance you will realise just how amazing life can be without being mentally ill
