I thought I was free

[insidemyhead]

I thought I was free of all this, I haven't been like this in so long, six months free and that was only a one off but now i'm wanting to hurt myself more and more I started a few days ago and it's escalating. I'm inflicted by destructive and suicidal thoughts. I finally got the right medication to stop my psychosis and this world I do not know, I find silence difficult and this world I have no importance in, I feel so uncomfortable and so isolated... I've been ill so long I forgot what life is really like... I don't know if I can adjust to living this way. I'm so difficult it's like one monster gone another arises, why can't I just be left alone. I'm sorry I just I've forgotten what it's like to be self harming so much and I don't want to tell my cpn in case he overreacts and that fact worries me more than doing it.. I don't want to go into the world of secretly self harming again Is it possible to improve whilst destructing at the same time. I'm sorry I just didn't know where else to go.

[WishIFeltBetter]

go ahead and talk it out, that's cool.. here, for a start.

[PassedExpectations]

the world without psychosis sounds like it is really scaring you right now. and that is understandable, your perceptions are really different, and you haven't really adapted yet. but you will adapt, and this new world will become livable. just like your old one became normal to you, this one will too if you stick it out

[Pops.]

I love you Meggymoo <3 What you're describing is really common. You were so poorly for a long while and to now have a medication that is working, it's like you've all of a sudden been thrown back in to the world and it's totally understandable you would feel overwhelmed by it all, honestly. I think you have done so amazingly well to get to where you are now and I'm so proud of you. You're a beautiful person, inside and out and I totally have faith in you. You can come through this and learn what an amazing person you are and what you are capable of. Look at the University work that you've been doing? It's just the start Meg. You can make a really good life for yourself and you're doing it. I really think it would be a good idea to speak to your CPN about this. I totally get your worries about doing it, but you trust them right? I just think that if they know about the self harm, and what you're struggling with now, they will be able to reassure you better.

I think that the monster's you describe are totally different. The monster from before was so so horrible. Think of all of the shit you have had to go through to get to this point, and you beat it. The monster you describe that is here now is also beatable, and what if it's not so much a monster, but maybe a stranger that you haven't met yet? Everything that you are feeling is totally understandable and I know loads of people will be able to relate.

You ARE improving. I know you are panicking about being destructive, but honestly you're doing amazingly. Try talk to the CPN? When you say you worry that they will overreact, what does overreacting mean to you? What do you think will happen?

[insidemyhead]

Thank you everyone and my lovely one, I was a bit desperate and confused when I wrote this, I'm not sure what to think... I saw my cpn had an honest chat with him but didn't mention the self harm but think he suspected it, he's seeing me next week anyway which is helpful. It is a different monster, I think I just panicked because the last thing I want is to be so in control when feeling destructive, I haven't had that in too long and it creates the illusion of deterioration. I think I will adjust to this world It just sometimes gets on top of me that i'm having to adjust to another world again it feels a bit too much sometimes. But i'll get through it. Thank you for the replies, means a lot.

[talaiporia]

I'm glad your CPN was helpful and is seeing you next week. Is there anyone else you can talk to?
How are you doing tonight?