Dealing with the reality of mental illness

[abigalelynette]

hi guys,

I havent been on ryl for over two years, so please bare with me..

im really struggling with the reality of having a mental illness, its becoming more and more apparent every day.

I suffer with bipolar and have just started coming down from a manic episode, i see my cpn and psychiatrist regularly but coming to terms with the fact that this is who i am and these episodes are what I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life is positively terrifying.

Before i was diagnosed i never put two and two together with my moods, but now since being diagnosed its painstakingly obvious when I'm up and down.

Its almost embarrassing when I'm manic, I'm like a child dreaming up new ideas and running around excited by everything, it doesn't seem like I'm acting out of term when i feel like this but afterwards i feel stupid and everyone around me finds me ridiculously annoying.

Then i get irritable and even the smallest things can set me off into a horrible rage, and i cant be around people because i upset them.

I don't know its so hard to even try and understand its an illness its not just me being crazy and that its not going to go away, even though they've upped my meds twice recently and the moods are still as turbulent (rapid cycling).

I don't think i can cope with this, it makes me start to think would it be easier if i wasn't here at all.

Then i wouldnt have to explain my actions, or make excuses or generally hate myself for it on a day to day basis.

and this is me even when im not down! I think i am even more dangerous when manic as i think about things less before i do them. and two out of three of my suicide attempts have been when ive been manic also.

I dont feel safe, and the one person i have around me doesnt understand that i cant deal with the fact this is going to be me for the rest of my life and nothings ever going to be simple again. He's right when he says im lucky and i shouldnt feel this way because i have a roof over my head and were not struggling money wise, but it doesnt make a difference to the way im feeling.

i dont know what to do

i guess im just asking how any have you have dealt with the fact you have a mental illness and coping on a day to day basis

thanks in advance, sorry ive rambled.

abi

[Ballerina123]

I havnt really accept my menal illness yet dispite many hospital admissions. I'm bipolar too.

Sorry I can't help much just want you to know tht your not alone.

[abigalelynette]

i did a year at university, then couldn't complete the last semister and didnt get extenuating circumstances so i basically failed my first year due to some small minded people who couldnt appreciate that i had mental health issues!

it makes everyday life so hard, just the basic functions are so much effort.

just make sure your uni understand where you are and what your doctors are saying so that you can get all the support you need from them and your work.

[Selina_Kyle]

Hello,

Please don't be so hard on yourself. This is a mental illness; you didn't choose this.
It took a long time for me to accept myself and the way you are feeling is totally normal. I'm sure the person you live with is right and that you have much to be grateful for, but that doesn't always help alleviate your worries and isn't always helpful!
How are things going with your psychiatrist?

xx

[abigalelynette]

things are alright with the psych, i dont really see him very often only to really talk about medication and the basics, my cpn is really my point of call. Hes alright but theres only so much they can do.

yeah its hard, i mean its like its hard when you've got so much going on in your own mind its hard to concentrate on the logistical stuff, especially when your high or low nothing else seems to matter other than whats going on in my head.

[findingmyself]

Dont dwell on your disorder so much. You are who you are and thats that. Okay so you get manic soemtimes and depressed sometimes it sucks yes but deal with it and move on and know thats just you. Your so much more than your disorder.

There is a difference you can know you have it but keep it in the back of your mind not let it consume you not dwell on it.