Onwards! Second Draft.
Thanks everyone for all your help!
I'm going to student services with my updated draft so they can read over it before i send it off :)
Last edited by Misanthropic Girl : 07-10-2007 at 02:49 PM.
Reason: second draft
That's why you're not a uni admissions tutor Craig ;P
I think it could be a risky subject to put into your PS but you seem to have highlighted it in a good light. However maybe rethink about putting the time you were in there in it? I duno, just an idea, and if they want to know more they can always question you on it at interview.
"I found success and interest in my Psychology A/s Level hope to improve on that in the current A2 year"
Just a typo, I'd assume that's meant to say "and hope to" or such like. "I attended a daylong conference run by David Carter at Liverpool University in January 2007 on Investigative Psychology."
I don't think that statement on it's own sounds right, by all means put it in because it's good to show an interest in Psychology out of just the school syllabus, however as a sentence on it's own it would probably make me say "and what?" so maybe either move it or put down what you feel you gained from the course?
"Outside of college I often find myself reading memoirs featuring those who have experienced mental healthy issues"
Another type, mental *health issues i'd assume you mean.
On a whole I think it's good :]
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
Thanks for the typos i didnt notice those!
Hmm yeah about the conference i dont know here to put that in, perhaps with my A/s psy as it was in the same year.
I was unsure wether to mention my time as an impatient incase it put them off, but i went to student services at my college and the woman said itd be okay to include it (cause its the main reason why i want to do psychology) but dont go into it emotionally.
I dont know what to do cause if i dont mention it the statement looses most of its susbtance and i wouldnt be able to include alot of it.
do you think '...inpatient for a short period...' would be better?
Or "I was an impatent at a locol hospital and during this time" or something?! Not sure...
But no I think if that's your reason then yehs I think it's a good idea to put in.
"Be nice. Think happy thoughts. Champion silver linings. Love all things (not just cute things like babies and kittens) & when you do love - love like they do in power ballads (you know like on a cliff with the wind in your hair and your eyes shut, knowing you'll never know love like this). Watch out for dog poo. Smile at people - even grumpy ones. Remember anything is possible & whatever you do always try to look on the bright side."
i'm another to agree with the in patient thing, i think it would perhaps be a better idea just to skim the surface and mention that you have experience of the mental health system and why that interests you etc?
also agree that the stray sentence should be included somewhere along with an explanation as to why it made you more interested in psychology.
generally though it reads very well and has plenty of relevant information in it which im sure the admissions dept will like!
if you want to look at other personal statements i have a couple that i could pm to you only one is psychology though.
good luck
x
& the language of love letters is the same as suicide notes
When were you an In-Patient? I think it would be important to say '2 years ago' or whatever... you don't want to give them the impression that it was a recent thing.
You could always say ''I've had access to the psychiatric/mental health services''... you don't have to mention that you were an IP
Just wanted to say that it is very good because I didn't say it! I like how it's laid out, how you've worded it & the way it's detailed without being boring :D
Is it ok if I save it for a rough outline when I do mine?
Oh noooooo
I'm so so scared about doing mine, and yours makes me jealous!
I think you've covered all bases, you've given a reason for everything and it looks about the right length.
Well done on being so organised!
I wrote my brother's personal statement for him earlier this month, and on reading yours I just had some thoughts. Changes I've suggested are in green, random thoughts/comments are in red. I know it looks like a lot but they're just my random suggestions and feel free to ignore them as you see fit! It looks really really good though!
Em x
-----------------------------
My interest in Psychology stems from my own experiences. In the past I have had access to mental health services, in which I experienced and observed many kinds of therapies (such as DBT, CBT, CAT and Art Therapy). I witnessed the positive effect that a therapeutic environment can have on those struggling with mental illness, and found inspiration from this [What do you mean? How did you find inspiration? You need to be more specific, as an admissions tutor could quite possibly just dismiss this as waffle and I think you could refine it]. In my time there I feel that I gained self-understanding and, just as importantly, became more understanding of others and how illness can affect them. My self-growth has allowed me to recover and focus on helping others to do the same.
Since then [When was this? Give dates if you can, or at least a vague "two years ago" or similar, otherwise it sounds like you could be going "Well I came out of hospital last week and since then I've been really interested in it all" and not the kind of long-term interest in the subject that they'll want you to display if you're to study it at degree level] my interest in Psychology has developed, and I find myself not only interested in abnormality but also Social Psychology. I wish to gain a greater understanding of human behaviour, and how it can shape a society. Studying Psychology at degree level would be an essential stepping-stone to achieve a career as a Psychologist.
My GCSE and A level studies have helped me to prepare for the course. [Don't say "I feel" - it sounds too subjective (like, "I think this, but no-one else does") be specific and give facts!] Studying English, Fine Art, and Critical Studies in Art History has developed my analytical skills, and this in turn has furthered my ability to recognize the wider picture when problem solving. I found success and interest [that just sounds a bit waffly ... humpf ... *thinks*] in my Psychology AS Level and hope to improve on that in the current A2 year. In January 2007 I attended a daylong conference run by David Carter at Liverpool University. This featured several talks and presentations on Investigative Psychology and gave me the opportunity to sample [would "learn about" be better? What did you actually do? "Sampling" sounds 'not-quite-right' in this context] different kinds of psychology such as Eyewitness Testimony and abuse. [Is abuse a kind of psychology? The end of this sentence doesn't seem to flow right ...]
My place on the Counselling Skills course [What Counselling Skills course? I don't think you've mentioned it so far. You might be better starting this sentence with "Since x date I have been involved with a Counselling Skills course which"] has proved invaluable to me, highlighting the importance of personal awareness, empathy and sound communication skills [in counselling? or generally?]. Taking part in group discussions, role-plays, pair work and presentations helped me to develop my confidence, [I think it's better if you're not overtly advertising the fact you were previously lacking in confidence, although that could just be me] and I enjoyed the course immensely, finding acceptance despite the varied age range. [I understand the point you're trying to make with the acceptance thing, but what's its relevance here? It just doesn't seem to scan on the end of the sentence]
Besides maintaining a high standard of work I have also proven myself to be an important part of college life [college society sounded like it was only a single society you were involved in - feel free to contradict though]. I have taken part in three art exhibitions and been involved in the enrichment programme [Is this a commonly-used term? What's an enrichment programme?], in which I helped raise awareness during Mental Health Week. I also completed the Sixth Form Graduation Scheme, for which I got involved in a range of skills [Skills seems to be the wrong word here ... "activities?"] including voluntary work and contributing to the community. [That's quite a waffley term - can you be more specific about what you did?]
Outside of college I enjoy ["find myself reading" is too passive] reading the memoirs of those [Memoirs tend to be self-penned (or at least in a vaguely autobiographical style) and therefore are 'of' people rather than featuring them] who have experienced mental health issues. Some of my favourites are; ‘Learning to Be Me’, by Jocelyn Golden, Elizabeth Wurtzel’s ‘Prozac Nation’, and ‘A Shape of My Own’, by Grace Bowman. In addition I have recently read the non-fiction books ‘A Bright Red Scream’ by Marilee Strong and ‘I Hate You don’t Leave Me’ by Kreisman and Straus. I currently have a subscription to ‘Psychologies Magazine’, which I thoroughly enjoy reading.
In my spare time I spend time [You've written "time".."time" in quick succession (if you see what I mean) - let me think about how to re-phrase that one] on the Internet helping others through an online support community called RecoverYourLife, which I find, is very rewarding. [How about: "In my spare time I am a member of online support community RecoverYourLife.Com and enjoy spending time on there helping others"?] I also enjoy writing poetry, painting and drawing, horse riding [How often do you horse ride? Every weekend/fortnight/month etc? Give specifics] and seeking out new exciting activities such as skydiving, jet skiing, paragliding and scuba diving. [This bit scans funnily ... do you actually do these activities? It may be better if you replace "such as skydiving" with "including skydiving". Can you give time/date specifics? It just seems to have an air of "I half-investigate doing these things but I don't actually do them". Do you have any certificates to show that you have experience of these things? If so, mention them here as well]
I am a caring and dedicated person and I believe my passion and experience within the field makes me an excellent candidate to study Psychology. I am optimistic about my future at university, welcoming the challenges that independence will bring and looking forward to playing an active part in the student community. I would be immensely grateful for the opportunity to further my studies [I'm not sure about this line ... it seems a bit ... grovelling], and given the opportunity to prove myself I’m sure [I think "I know" is better than "I'm sure" - more confident, positive and 'selling-yourself' style] I will excel.
Its really good! I wrote very similarly 2u about my mental health on my med sch appt but was banned from putting it in because of the nature of the course ( it wouldnt go down v.well), so wot I'd say is be careful.
" Studying psychology at degree level.........career as a psychologist"
I feel you're stating the obvious a bit there! Is there a specific area of psychology you want to work in? Eg.
" gave me confidence I lacked before"
Sounds negative! Would be much better to say that it improved upon/ build on your confidence
"such a voluntry work and contributing to the community"
Ok. So how and in what ways? What type of voluntry work? And what did you get out of it? Also check that paragraph - sixth form, not six form I think!
" Outside college I read......"
Listing them is using up space for something unecessary and a bit pointless. It would be far better to pick up on two of them and suggest what you learnt/ got out of them. Keep the magazine bit. Thats good! It shows a commitment to interest in psychology. Is there are article you could flag up?
Overall it's a really really good personal statement! Those suggestions I made are really just little things ( if I was an admissions tutor I'd take you!)
Onwards! Second Draft. 
