I want advice on a old unpleseant incident

[Given]

Hello,

I want really to get some random unbiased feedback about a old incident and how I should relate to it now at this point in my life.

I'm 31 year old man now and this incident happened to me as 17 years old lad a long time ago has passed and my senses have cleared and I have carefully thought through what happened.

Basically - I didnt really have the knowledge or wisdom to really get a grip of what happened to me at the time other than being shaken up and a nasty shock to my system - but now at 31 years old I look back with clear hindsight and judge that I was the victim of a nasty indecent assault during a drunken incident when I was vunerable position at the hands of another 17 year lad who was supposed to be a "mate" but he showed he was a unsavory person.

When I was 16 I left school and soon dropped out of college and by 17 years old I had mentally detoriated was a bit of a mess. My life seemed to be crumbling around me. I lived without my parents and had no job or money and basically life was tough during this time. I was mentally and spiritually troubled
too.

During one fateful night in October 1998 - I was down a neutral friends house and my assaulter was there too.

There was 3 of us there - and we were going to sleep the night there. We were all drinking cider and listening to loud music. And there was a bad atomsphere in the air between me and my assaulter. We were arguing over what music to play, etc and he was telling me I should go home, etc.

But I ignored him and carried on with the night - as I got more drunk I took off my vest and jeans - and was just in my boxer shorts and socks and dancing around drunk.

My assaulter - took of his top and then without my persmission grabbed my vest and put it on - but I didnt make a issue of it and just ignored what could be seen as disrespectul behavior.

I was still feeling too comfortable (mistake) because I had no real reason to believe anything was going to happen to me.

But things quickly esculated when my assaulter made a indecent move on me.

He was sitting down and I was standing up dancing and without warning he reached forward and yanked my boxer shorts down to my ankles - indecently exposing me - and he sat back and just watched. Now I in hindsight I consider this indecent assault because this guy has intentionally done this too me against my will.

Until this point - I had no idea this guy was going to lay his hands on me at all. From a older wiser mind looking back - if I had been more switched on I would of been alot more wary but I wasent at the time.

The shock stopped me in my tracks. And I was embarrased at being indecently exposed in front of my assaultor and my neutral friend and I quickly pulled my boxer shorts back up and covered myself back up. I then as you can imagine - was infuriated and instinctvely I leaned forward and aggressively pressed my head up against my assaultor locking horns with him and showing him my feelings.

At this moment - he reacted very aggresively and made me back off - I turned to walk away from the situation but he came up behind me and brought me down to the ground and grabbed tightly around my throat. Strangling me tight I was unable to breath and tried in vain to release his grip. He pulled my hand away from my attempts to reach his grip - and told me a number of times to "stop bitchin" in reference I believe to all the previous needle that had been leading up to the incident depsite the fact it was him who started the violence when he crossed the line and indecently assaulted me moments earlier. Eventually struggling for breath I was forced to submit to his demand and surrended with a "oright" I could barely say the word cos I was being choked.

My neutral friend during when I was being strangled remained seated and just told him to "get off me" - I think he was unaware I couldnt acutally breath. I'm annoyed he didnt get up and help get that prick off me at that moment.

On releasing his grip I immedaitely got up and walked to one end of the room to regain my breath - and my attacker walked to the other end of the room.

I stared at him - while I was regaining breath - and he tried to intimadate me and shouted at me "What the **** you looking at ? "

By now - I was absoultely full of rage and forgot all about fear - I screamed at him to "come on then - lets ****ing go for it !!!!"

This seemed to scare him and he reached out for a type of dagger / knife on the table for protection and held it out as if to try and intimadate me. this obviously made me cautious of steaming into him with my rage.

What happened then my - neutral friend eventually got up and demanded I sit down - and he told my attacker to sit down - we both sat down.

What happened then - I wasnet prepared for - humilating for me looking back - but I could not control it - I had so much stress on my mind anyway - thats part of the reason I was behaving erractically on the night - and this incident my emotions were running so high - I broke down in tears right there - just came flooding out - I wasent physically hurt but alot of emotional pain.
My attacker then offered me his hand to shake and in a completely false apology of this incident said he was "only joking">

My neutral friend then stepped in and said I was not my usual self and he took me upstairs to on my own to see why I was not my old self. I started talking to him about God and other ramblings about all kind of things running through my head at the time.

I was violenty sick and then passed out in the bedroom for the rest of the night.

the next morning - from there on - nothing was spoke of the incident - but the psycoligcal aftermath was there - this guy was still around - beacuse we hanged out with the same neutral friend - there was no remorse he tried to steal my vest he had on the next morning he made underhand threats to me the next morning without no remorse or any kind of self guilt that he was in the wrong - thats when I realised this was one prick who was once again trying to intimadete me - but in the morning I was alot more subdued after the event and shaken - the next day I went down my parents for food but could not even get myself to eat anything because of the nasty experience the night before - and in the days and weeks after - whenever he was around he would call me names and try to belittle me and disrepect me - brazenly he even would come up my house to ask to lend property from me which he never returned even in the days following the assault (yes of course I realise I was stupid to continue to be around him now but at the time - he was just a bad nusince who would not go away) at the time - in the days and weeks followwing this nast attack I was shaken and was uncomfrotable around this guy and how brazen he was.

Eventually this false friend faded out of my life - but not before he had made his bad effect on my life and goaded me about what had happened in his sublte ways.

Looking back now I feel violated by this incident and disrescpted - I feel a mug - I let this guy inflitrate my life - that I allowed myself to be a vunerable target for this person and allowed him to treat my like a mug and inflict indiginty upon me.

Years later now - the time in my life has passed - but it still is a unpleaseant memory and had bad psycoligcal effects for me.

I have thought about taking revenge -

Any advice or thoughts about me or this incident or this person who attacked me ?

[PassedExpectations]

while this incident was horrible and wrong, and has clearly had a longlasting effect on you, revenge is definitley not the route to go. if you take revenge you become as much at fault as he was. if you do something immoral it is wrong regardless of whether someone else did something immoral first.

do you have any professionals you can discuss this with?

[Given]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PassedExpectations

while this incident was horrible and wrong, and has clearly had a longlasting effect on you, revenge is definitley not the route to go. if you take revenge you become as much at fault as he was. if you do something immoral it is wrong regardless of whether someone else did something immoral first.

do you have any professionals you can discuss this with?

Thanks for the reply.

No - I have never discussed this with anyone - not even anyone close too me - just would be to awkward to bring up in conversation and talk about it.

Even my neutral friend - who was there that night alongside me and witnessed everything - it was never discussed with detail with him - now and again he would make reference to the night - but he never went into detail with it with me - probaly because it was unpleaseant incident to discuss.
But I'm sure he told a few other mates who we neutrally knew who werent there that night.

I suppose what hurts the most is - that time in my life was a long time ago - I was a mess back then - and I moved on with my life - both the guy who attacked me and the neutral friend and not part of my life anymore - although from time to time - I see them around . I even bumped into the guy who assaulted me out and about and he made some forced conversation - but I wasent interested in knowing him these days. As time went on - I pulled myself together and got on with life much better - and got back to a healthy way of life - and put it behind me.

But for whatever reason - I been dwelling on the past lately - and this time in my life reflects badly on me and my personal history.

[Given]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PassedExpectations

while this incident was horrible and wrong, and has clearly had a longlasting effect on you, revenge is definitley not the route to go. if you take revenge you become as much at fault as he was. if you do something immoral it is wrong regardless of whether someone else did something immoral first.

do you have any professionals you can discuss this with?

I suppose I know deep down taking some form of violent revenge is not a good thing.

Violence is ugly - and I could get hurt and get myself in trouble - and I have no criminal record or any previous violence offences. I dont like violence or want it deep down.

But at the same time - my ego and pride desires some revenge because of the violation I feel was inflicted onto me.