Flashbacks, nightmares, and desire to harm. Please help

[PainfulSecrets]

I haven't been on here so much lately, but I didn't know where else to turn. I have been really triggered lately. I'm not entirely sure why it's all getting so bad lately. I'm happy for the first time in my life. I just got married, I'm living in a beautiful place with my amazing husband and it's just awesome for the most part. I very often think about harming tho. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been having nightmares almost every night of when I was raped. Even tho this was years and years ago and I haven't had too much of a problem with it until it all resurfaced about a year ago. I think I repressed it for that long but now that I remember it all, I keep having flashbacks and it's really getting bad. My husband wakes me up almost every night. I just don't know what to do to make the dreams stop and make the desire to harm stop. I don't know what to do.. Thank you for reading this...

[PassedExpectations]

have you thought about getting any professional help? that might be the fastest way to start feeling better...

i don't know what would help with the flashbacks and nightmares. but remember that after stopping harming it can take a while to stop thinking about harming, and that is normal. over time first the imperativeness (i must harm now!) part of the thoughts decrease, and then later on the actual thoughts start to decrease. thats how it was for me.

[Shelter]

Have you tried writing down the memories/flashbacks when they come to you? I found that helped a little with mine. Eventually I realized that what I really wanted was for somebody else to know and acknowledge what had happened to me, so I started showing my journal to someone I trust. I don't know how much you'd be comfortable sharing, but in my case I found that even more helpful than just writing it down for myself.

[PainfulSecrets]

When will the thoughts of wanting to harm stop... I've been relatively free for nearly four years now, give or take a few slips but they were very minor slips at that. I'm just sick of fighting it tho you know?

And I told my husband about everything before we got married and now that we are married I've ended up having to talk to him about it even more because he's kind of the one that wakes me up from it all, and pulls me outta my flashbacks and everything. Do you think it's because I haven't talked to him about details about what happened that it hasn't helped? or do you think maybe I just need to write it down? I'm not really sure, but I thought that being with him at night would help, because whenever I was feeling bad during the day being with him made things better, but I feel horrible because I wake him up almost every night and he has to be up early in the mornings for work. I just don't know what to think. Sorry it took so long to respond again I was busy. Thanks for your advice tho, I think I might try writing it all down, like details of what I remember and stuff, maybe I just need to like acknowledge it or whatever.

[Shelter]

I hope you're feeling better today :) In my case, the more detail I wrote out or said out loud, the better I was able to process the memories and work through them. It definitely wasn't a cure-all or an instant fix, but it felt satisfying in a way. And it does take time, especially since you say you've been repressing the memories for so long. My own memories are nearly 3 years old now, and they don't bother me as much as they used to, though they still upset me.

It sounds like you have been doing really well, all things considered--four years is incredible. Sending happy thoughts your way!

[PainfulSecrets]

Thank you for the thoughts, it's very much appreciated. It was about nine years ago that everything happened, and I kinda blocked it out until about a year ago so I think that might be a lot of the problem. I've been writing down the details in the flashbacks and nightmares and it's actually helping me feel better afterwards, but they are slowing down at all, I think I just need to give myself more time to work through it all. I'm actually feeling a lot better today, so I'm feeling more hopeful than when I first wrote this. I just wish I could stop waking my husband up when he has to get up at four for work. Ah well. He loves me anyways :P Thanks again for your help. Thanks a lot.