I've been doing okay for the past month or so... I've stayed positive, stayed social, gotten lots of sleep, listened to upbeat music instead of sad songs, taken my medication, even gotten a job! Most importantly, I haven't cut in a while. The scars are very, very faint from the last few times, so I think it's been about a month and a half since I last cut? I'm not really sure, but I wish I knew.
Anyway, very recently (in the past week), I've been having upsetting dreams. They're either about my ex (who hasn't talked to me since January after two years of friendship... nice, huh?), family issues, or just other random, negative events.
Usually bad dreams don't bother me, but recently they're making me think about negative things (my ex, family issues, etc.) and bringing my mood down and therefore, bringing back my urges to cut.
I don't think it's so much that the dreams are suddenly impacting me greatly. I think it's that I want to sink back into that familiar state of depression, so I'm looking for any excuse to go back there. Once I'm back there I can lean on people and get attention (which apparently I'm craving).
Maybe this makes me selfish? I don't really know... or care at this point. I just don't know how to stop wanting to return to this state...
If I end up cutting, I'll hurt and disappoint so many people. On the other hand, I just want to. I want to be comfortable and I want people to once again show me that they care about me.
Should I ask for help BEFORE cutting this time instead of waiting until after? But I feel dumb asking for help... I usually just keep it all in and wait for that one release. What should I do? Should I lean on my friends before the damage is done this time? :/
Thank you for reading and any thoughts.
Stay safe, stay strong.
-Allison <3
Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
heyy im sooo grateful you posted this. I feel excately like this. I've been doing good for the past few month, i havent cut from january to april, then once and then in the last few weeks again... i also want to sink back into depression, because its familiar, like you said, as strange as it sounds i feel comfortable in there. Im feeling something, even if its pain or sadness, im used to it and i like it somehow.
im sorry that i dont either know how to stop wanting to return to this state... i lost the battle, im back where i was about half a year ago, but im not giving up, im fighting again ^^ dont feel dump asking for help, i think thats what the forum here is for and i really wish someone here can answer your question, cause im looking for the answer to
from my point of view, talk to your friends/family/ the people you are closest to, BEFORE you start cutting again, its better i think, just describe excately how you feel and that you need them now more than ever to stop you from doing something stupid.
stay strong and best wishes <3 <3
"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it"
"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”
Hey! Iam sorry that you are having a hard time right now. Definitely ask for help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and it is a sign of strength to do so. I hope you feel better soon!
I really know that feeling; I am actually depressed now, but I had a time where I wanted to go back and lean on people. The problem was that when I actaully was there, I wouldn't lean on people at all, because I didn't want to bother them -.-'
You'll be alright, stay strong and fight the urges
can you think of positive ways to get attention? everyone needs attention from others. none of us can live isolated on our own with much success... but we've got to do our very best to make sure that we're getting attention in positive and appropriate ways.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
The problem was that when I actually was there, I wouldn't lean on people at all, because I didn't want to bother them -.-'
EXACTLY! That's exactly what happens with me... :/ It sucks, I know...
I'm not really sure anymore. I try to my the best at literally everything I do. I don't hate anyone, I try to meet as many people as possible and have as many "friends" as possible. I have a 4.2 GPA, I play softball (pitcher), I can still play clarinet, I write music, I help others whenever they need it... I just don't know what else I can do...
): I feel like I'm trying too hard, but... if I don't then people think I'm mean and unfeeling. I don't know what to do. I really feel like I'm going to end up cutting again soon... it'll just take one small trigger. :/
I feel selfish for feeling like this, but... I can't help it. I don't feel loved or wanted and I royally suck at letting things go. It takes me literally YEARS to get over small things because I commit so heavily to everything I do. I guess it's both a blessing and a curse. Anyway, thank you for your comments. I'll keep trying.
Stay strong and stay safe.
-Allison <3
Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
Wow, that's an incredible GPA! It sounds like you pride yourself on being a perfectionist, and are putting an incredible amount of pressure on yourself.
Is there anyone close to you that you would be able to talk to?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
There are a few people. I just can't help feeling pathetic and I can't seem to get over feeling annoying. But I guess if it gets bad enough, I'll break down and talk to someone...
Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
For me, "bad enough" is on my way to pick up the blade...
but I guess by then it is too late.
I've talked to a couple people the past couple days, but it doesn't really help. They offer the same answers. I know that's all they can offer, but it just doesn't help anymore. :/
I really appreciate you continuing to post. Thank you.
Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
What do you think might help?
It sounds like the people you're talking to don't really know what to say, and perhaps, keep saying "the same old stuff". Have you ever spoken to a 'professional' about it, like a doctor or therapist?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
What would help... I don't even know at this point.
Yeah, I see a therapist. She just doesn't really help all that much when it comes to me being sad. I think she relies on my medication to fix that for me, but it's not... I'll bring this up the next time I see her.
Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
I'm exactly where you are at the moment. I've been doing really well but the urges are back. Most of the time I don't even know what is triggering me. I wish I had some sound advice for you but at this moment in time i don't. Just thought it would help to know people are in the same boat as you are.
heyy... im in the same situation as you (like i already told you above) and i dont know if this is helpful for you or not, but my good sense tells me one thing: if you have close friends / family, people you love and care about and who you know care about you too, then go there and talk to them!!! Honestly! i know what you're thinking, you think you might bother them or /and they would not be able to understand or even help you, but listen to me, i recently found out that a very good friend of mine, who always seemed so happy and like nothing was worng, had really bad problems and was really close to giving up. He was devastated. really really down, and i felt like **** for not realising that he was in so much pain, but he is a god damn good actor and no one ever noticed. I was there for him, i couldnt fix all his problems but at least he didnt had to face them all on his own, just me being there helped him a lot.
i know that it is not easy, god im the best example. im not brave enough to go there and tell him that i need him too, but i know i should. and i know he would be there for me and trying to help me, but something inside me stops me from doing it... yep its that i think i might bother him and that my probelms might not be so bad... but i think my good sense is right and i should tell him.. i will do it soon, i promise and all of you.. please, at least think about it for a moment please... communication is everything, it really helps believe me...
"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it"
"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”
