Life and all its struggles

Cbear · 27-03-2012, 02:59 AM

2 weeks ago i stuffed up 9 weeks of not self harming and i am just feeling down that i have to go through all of it again.

I have a lot of physical problems at the moment due to previous SH and its just bringing me down because I cant do as much therefore having less distractions from SH. I dont want to self harm because the method I use is very complicated and always needs hospital treatment (Not Bragging...)
I just want to get on with life. I was enjoying myself so much in those nine weeks and i thought i was finally free but the physical problems just brought me down and made me do it again. I am trying to make sure I do something nice every day so I dont have time to ruminate.

I also have voices which are hard to deal with when Im trying to do something and I have this voice harassing me. I have been able to challenge the voices using logic and stuff but sometimes they are just too overwhelming. The worst thing at the moment though is my dreams/nightmares, I keep seeing myself doing horrible things to my body and it scares me that if the voices get out of control I will act out one of these "visions"... I dont know... I am using my PRN when I cant challenge the voices but Im just struggling and would like some support I guess..

There is just so much stuff to deal with at the moment... I try and tell my mum (who is my carer) when Im feeling really low and she usually helps me find something to do. But sometimes at night (and im very ashamed of this) I have to sleep in her room just because Im so terrified Im going to hurt myself badly. I know this isnt really a solution but its all i have at the moment but dont want to become reliant on it. But she is an amazing help so i guess Im lucky in that respect.

I guess I just i need some love and support and somewhere to vent my stresses so i guess thats what ill use this thread...

Anyway Im going to head off shopping in an hour or so and I hope it will keep the feelings at bay and hopefully get these jeans I want

Thanks for reading if you got this far

Clare

Left Phalange · 27-03-2012, 05:55 PM

I'm really sorry things are so hard right now, but 9 weeks self harm free is fantastic! It really is, you should be proud of it. And you do need to remember that one slip up doesn't mean you've fallen back into it completely. It's just that; a slip up. Do you think counting it as a slip up will help you get back on track?

Also, it is good that you talk to your mum when you are feeling low, but there is no reason to feel ashamed of sleeping in there when you feel you are going to hurt yourself. I ask friends of mine to stay on Skype until I'm asleep sometimes because I'm scared I'm going to hurt myself. It's just a method that works for you and if it keeps you from self harming at the moment, then why not? At least it is a back up until you can find better coping methods.

Have you tried art, reading, writing, comedy DVDs, music, learning an instrument, learning a new language etc? We have a huge distractions list on the site if it will help you at all. Try and keep a journal of positivity too, I've found that helps sometimes. Keep pictures, messages, notes, quotes, anything that makes you feel any better. And get it out to read or add to whenever you feel you need to.

I hope this has helped :) And I hope you feel better.

CagedBird · 27-03-2012, 11:27 PM

It sounds as though you are trying really really hard and that is not something to be taken lightly at all. It is a real struggle to daily, hourly fight and counter-act the voices that say such negative horrid things.

I'm sorry that you SH'd 2 weeks ago but at the same time I hope you don't see it as you starting back at the beginning again. I don't like the idea of counting or timing the time between SH episodes as it seems like when a person does self harm it eradicates every single day and hour and thought that was beaten! To beat the voices once is a major accomplishment, to do it for 9 weeks is amazing. I hope you can see that yourself.

Your mum sounds so caring and loving, you must feel very blessed to have her. Please don't be ashamed for having to sleep in her room to feel safe, - it is a really brave thing to do, to admit feeling scared and ask for help - not many people are able to do that! And that you have someone who can offer you a safe place is fantastic. And just because for now you need it doesn't mean you will forever, when you feel ready and able to you will be able to sleep more regularly on your own, but I don't think you should rush it because you feel ashamed.

I hope you find the support you need here. It sounds as though you are battling very hard.

Cbear · 27-03-2012, 11:37 PM

Thanks for replying

Ive actually just ordered a journal so I'm hoping that will keep me busy when I'm feeling low. I am going to try and just see it as a slip up and not just use it as an excuse to start harming again. I have ordered the various incentive bracelet from the RYL shop so I have them as a small motivation to reach various milestones.

My mum is indeed amazing, she has helped me so much with my recovery I don't know where I would have been without her. Last night I had voices and came out and told my family and they were really supportive.

That's all I can think of right now but thank again for your support and I will probably keep using this thread when I need it.