Graphic - I've started thinking about suicide *update* Alex is in the cardiac care unit. Nearly stable
I'm sorry for posting again.
I'm struggling a lot with the Voices and being watched/monitored. I self harmed quite badly the other night and had to get quite a few stitches. I'm so tired and sick of all this. It sort of just came to me, the thoughts of suicide. That I had a way out. I keep thinking about it and what method I'd use.... I'm just really struggling at the moment.
Sorry again
Rara
Last edited by rara avis : 20-03-2012 at 08:52 AM.
Reason: Update
Hi Rara,
No need to be sorry. You are going through an extremely hard time. As I suggested in your other thread, I think you need to talk to your psych about your meds, because clearly the current ones are only giving you side-effects and are not actually working.
You can do this.
Oly.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now, especially to have considered suicide as a way out. I know that in times of crisis it can seem like you have no other way out, but as difficult as things are now there is a way out of this darkness, through getting the help and support you need.
I see above someone has mentioned your medication - that can be a key thing that if working can help you to feel better. Feeling better can be a way out of this pain too, please don't give up on that option.
If you're considering your method still I urge you to speak to someone and tell them about how low you are, is there anyone you can talk to, your psych perhaps?
Thanks Oly and Red Riding Hood. Your responses mean a lot to me. I thought no one would reply.
Oly, I will talk to my Dr about meds again. I'm off the chlorpromazine and back on the aripiprazole. So it's a waiting game again. I've been given clonazepam in the mean time to take twice daily. Thanks Oly
Red Riding Hood, I have schizophrenia, and the recovery rates aren't in favour of those with the illness, I'll be living with it for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can handle it. I feel weak for thinking this because I know people like Oly who are so resilient and strong and it makes me feel pathetic. I just can't see an end to it all.
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him on Monday. Part of me doesn't want to tell him so he won't stop me, but I am going to anyway.
I have the means with me now. I just want some reprieve. Something to make everything stop. I feel like I can't go on like this. And waiting for the meds to kick in, that's another four weeks of this. Plus being in hospital with nurses watching me, always watching me.
It's not pathetic; your response is a very 'real' response to hearing about a chronic illness. I've been diagnosed with one also and the thought crosses my mind consistently of "is it worth it". I study psychology so I know about the chronicity of schizophrenia. I don't understand the illness like you do - and frankly, I'm sorry you're diagnosed with it because I know it's a difficult condition.
And I know the feeling of not being able to see the end to it all. We may have different conditions, but that sense of hopelessness about the future is stubbornly powerful. But it's fueled by deceptive lies from depression, schizophrenia, about how hopeless things are. Truth is that with support you can go on to manage your life and experience things better than they are now. You may "have it" for life but that doesn't mean you have to be struggling with it for that whole time, the symptoms can be managed. I know it's still tough, I don't want to undermine it, but it doesn't have to be this tough forever.
Do please tell your psychiatrist about your plans. I'm really sending you all the support you need to help you to tell him and be honest, that way you can get the treatment you need.
I know you want things to ease and for a break, but suicide isn't the answer for that. It will take away everything and that includes the chance for things to get better and for good things to come into your life.
Is there anything you can do tonight to give you a mental break? Watch a movie, play a video game (even the RYL Arcade?). It may seem trivial but sometimes in a really dark mood I distract myself and even if only for an hour or two, it's been a break from the reality of how I feel. The internet can be good for that - webcomics (or a weakness of mine... shopping!).
Meanwhile, stick around, k? I've only just got talking to you, would be a shame to lose you now. You seem nice. Plus I see on your profile you're Australian, like me, so that's cool :P
P.S. Oly is resilient and strong, that is true. But please don't ever forget that you are still here, you are still breathing and you working through this.
Thanks Oly and Red Riding Hood. Your responses mean a lot to me. I thought no one would reply.
Oly, I will talk to my Dr about meds again. I'm off the chlorpromazine and back on the aripiprazole. So it's a waiting game again. I've been given clonazepam in the mean time to take twice daily. Thanks Oly
Red Riding Hood, I have schizophrenia, and the recovery rates aren't in favour of those with the illness, I'll be living with it for the rest of my life. I don't know if I can handle it. I feel weak for thinking this because I know people like Oly who are so resilient and strong and it makes me feel pathetic. I just can't see an end to it all.
I will talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him on Monday. Part of me doesn't want to tell him so he won't stop me, but I am going to anyway.
I have the means with me now. I just want some reprieve. Something to make everything stop. I feel like I can't go on like this. And waiting for the meds to kick in, that's another four weeks of this. Plus being in hospital with nurses watching me, always watching me.
You're welcome. The moment I see a thread started by you, I answer it asap as I care about you and want to help.
I hope the aripiprazole will help. Clonazepam worked well for me, I hope that it will help with the severe anxiety. Also clonazepam is a good medication for in psychotic illness-related anxiety. Psychs often use it for people with psychosis to help them deal with their anxiety (and anxiety is extremely common, if not standard, for psychosis).
You are not pathetic. You are strong too. And you can get through this. You are going through a much harder time than I am going through now.
I think it is wise to tell your psych about the suicidal thoughts.
Good luck.
PM me if you want a PDF copy of the ICD-10or the Mental Health Act 1983/2007. I ALSO HAVE THE DSM-V BOOK and am a pharmacology student.
I have a visual impairment / neurological problems so I need people to type in clear text and no funny fonts. Also excuse any typos, my vision blocks things out.
I have autism and have problems communicating, PMs included.
Just becasue I type well doesn't mean I speak well. I am only part time verbal.
Thank you Red riding Hood, for the depth of your reply.
I just feel so hopeless, and sort of believe things can get better, but i dont see it happening any time soon. I just don't know how much longer i can manage. I hope that i will be able to lead a semi-normal life eventually...
i will tell my psychiatrist about my plans, though part of me atill doesnt want to. I ended up watching a movie on my laptop and then listening to music while i drew in my art journal.
yes I am in Australia, Victoria to be precise.
Tea thanks heaps :)
Oly, thank you for your caring response,
The clonapepam helped when i took it yesterday, so it looks likw it will be good for me.
thank you for your kind words.
i will tell my psychiatrist about the suicidal thoughts.
Last edited by rara avis : 16-03-2012 at 09:26 PM.
Well done on watching a movie and drawing in your journal, did it help to distract you a bit? I see in your profile picture there's a drawing - did you draw that?
I know weekends can be hard but remember you're seeing your psych on Monday, not long to go, please keep working at distracting yourself through this time, keep posting here etc.
I'm glad the meds helped yesterday. Hold onto that. Hold onto the knowledge we're here for you the whole way.
Thanks Casey, you're great. Thanks for the hugs. I'm trying, I think.
It helped a little bit but I didn't get far as I am having a lot of trouble focusing.
I did draw that yes. I'm trying to distract but the voices... It feels like its consuming me. I'm not quite as 'paranoid' as the clonazepam is helping a bit. So that's a plus.
I'm holding on but it's tenuous. I'll hold on for Monday.
Monday seems so far away. And I don't think there is anything he can do. I'm already in hospital, on meds (that aren't working)
I just want it all to stop. I can't handle it. I want out. Arghhhhhhhh
SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!
I am sorry things are so tough for you now. You do not need to think about the rest of your life just now. You only need to get through a little bit at a time, maybe to to end of the next TV programme or something, and eventually the meds will kick in.
Thanks Duck,
It's hard not to think of the rest of my life though. This will be with me forever.
It's difficult to watch tv at the moment with the voices so loud, I'm wearing my headphones all the time. I could put subtitles on....
I'm trying.
I'm worried that my Dr won't be able to do anything more. Then I'm screwed. I just can't go on like this, I don't want to do it anymore. I'm so tempted to run, go home and tell Ryan I love him and then do it. I'm so tired, If it's possible to die of sleep deprivation that could happen too. I've been sleeping between 45mins and an two hours for around a month. I'm trying to drink the meal replacement drinks but I don't want to and don't see the point.
I'm sorry things are so tough, I know you are trying hard.
Being so tired won't be helping, why can't you sleep?
Drinking the drinks will help you, it will give your brain and body extra strength to keep fighting the voices.
Thanks Duck
My Psychiatrist thinks I have insomnia.
I'm trying to drink the drinks but I don't see the point. I saw my Psychiatrist and there is nothing he can do. I've had enough. I might be going into ICU where I won't have my phone or iPad. I'm giving my iPad to my friend here as he's offered to update. I'm so weak and pathetic.
