Okay, so i'm struggling at the moment (i think, i'm confused?)
I have BPD, a history of disordered eating, i self harm and am suicidal.
Everything went downhill in July when i found out my husband of 2 weeks had been cheating on me for months. Since then any issues i had in the past have been magnified. I overdosed in September, and after that was referred to a CPN and a psychiatrist. But during this process when i finally opened up about my suicidal thoughts they kind of freaked on me and i nearly got hospitalised. They agreed i could stay home if i agreed to see the home crisis team daily. I saw them 4 times, i think and then decided they were stressing me out and one day i threw them out and they rang later to say they wouldnt come again as they didnt think it was the right treatment. The next time i had to see the psychiatrist in November i was VERY reluctant to talk to her because i didnt know what she might do, because i still felt suicidal. So eventually she decided to discharge me from their services (her and the CPN) because if i 'wasnt going to engage its just a waste of everyones time).
So i struggled through December, Christmas and New Year alone. Then on January 18th i overdosed again. On the day i did it, it kept switching minute to minute whether it was a suicide attempt or a cry for help. But i did get scared and got help, had to go to A&E but it was tiny OD and they just took my BP and sent me home. I didnt even have to wait to talk to the psych team.
After that i went back to my GP who referred me back to my CPN. I'm still waiting for an appointment with her, will hopefully be in the next week or so.
BUT, now i'm stuck. I vary wildly between thinking i'm 100% insane. I'm desperate to kill myself and destroy myself and think i need help. Other times i think maybe i'm fine, i'm just attention seeking, right? I've been 'suicidal' for 7 months now, and only 2 'big' ish overdoses? Surely i'm fine? I dont cut myself every day any more. I'm fat. I dont know if i just want someone to look after me. Thats BPD right?
I now think i want to go to hospital. I want a break. I'm tired of struggling alone. I want someone to listen to me. I want to be able to talk openly, which i dont feel i could do before because everyone would freak out... but if i'm already in hospital, theres nothing to lose, right? I want nothing to worry about for a while, i want someone else to look after me.
But now how do i go about it? I fought against it for months. And i'm still here, pretty much the same. But i've got up and dressed every day since then, so people think i'm ok? Better? I havnt killed myself so i'm ok? Right?
Do i ask for it? Or would that just look like i'm attention seeking? Does the fact that i want to go, and think maybe i need it mean i dont? If i have the peace of mind to see that, i must be ok right?
I kind of feel like i need to OD again, or cut really deep. So i HAVE to go to hospital, and then i'll just let them admit me?
I dont know. How does it work? Please someone explain, i feel lost.
I don't think you are attention seeking or that you are okay. I really don't agree with them discharging you in the first place but that's a whole other rant. I take it you've not been inpatient before? Because it can be a horrible place and it's only used as a last resort. It's not really somewhere to go and get a break and I'm not sure you would be admitted for that reason. I understand you concerns over your safety but if you can keep yourself safe out of hospital then that is the best thing for you. Being inpatient can often cause a lot more problems than it resolves, especially with issues associated with BPD like dependency and taking responsibility for yourself. It should only really be used in emergencies.
I think you need to try and get consistent outpatient support. There are no fixed rules that just because you have the BPD label that you should or shouldn't do x, y, z even though there are a lot of stereotypes. I totally get the logic behind taking an OD so they know you are bad and respond to that but in the long run you will be taken less seriously if you do it this way. They would much rather that you spoke to them about how you are rather than acted on anything.
First off the only way to find out if you have BPD is to get assessed normally by a psychologist. You could speak to your GP about getting this done.
I think it was bad of them to discharge you from thier services, it takes time to build up trust on both sides and for you to open up to them and be honest about your feeling. They should know this but unfortunately from what I've experienced the NHS mental health system isn't the best to put it lightly. You should have seen a psych when you overdosed, it should be there duty of care to do so.
Hospital isnt a nice place to be depending on where you go some of them are better than others...it can be a horrible experience.
It not just as simple as getting admitted they have to decide thats whats best and if theres enough beds ect so you could end up being miles away. They may say you need to give your CPN a try again...but then who know if varies largely from hospital to hospital.
I hope you get your appointmen soon and that you begin to be able to open up to them.
Take care.
Amy x
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
i can only echo what others have said here. You are not an attention seeker, you obviously need help and want it but i can understand how hard you find it to talk, im the same.
Hospitals, as others have said, are not nice places. you wont really get a break there, i can understand you wanting to go to keep safe but what happens when you leave?
Try and work with the out patient services, explain to them that you find it hard to open up but show you are willing to work with them and it may start to help. It takes time to start to feel better, its not like certain illnesses where you take medication and recover, its a long and hard process.
First of all am so sorry that youa re gone through so much in the last few months
i know you feel that ODing will get you the help you need but its not worth you doing damage to your body ...you can get liver damage with ODing
i think you should contact them and tell them how hrd things have been for you
Ask your gp to reefer you to a psych also you can contact the cpn and ask for a sooner appointment
If you feel that your a danger to your self please call someone or go to A+E
This really struck me throughout reading your post.
Honestly, I don't think hospital would be right for you. People's experiences of being 'listened to' in hospital vary. Some people find they aren't listened to at all, are left to their own devices and feel even lonelier in hospital than out. My experience is that I was listened to, but it wasn't in a relationship in which I could form a proper connection and therefore didn't really help in the long-term. Hospital is generally for people who are acutely unwell or very high risk, and even then is generally just 'containing' rather than 'treating', unless their illness is largely dependent upon medication.
I didn't personally find hospital a terrible place, but it was unpleasant enough to feel much more like I'd rather have my illness treated as an outpatient than go back. It's boring and it can feel quite trapping if it's a locked ward. There is little privacy.
I think you need someone in your life you can talk to and whom you can build up a trusting relationship with, over time, which may be difficult to begin with as your trust has been broken so much recently with a lot of experience of being abandoned, for want of a better term, which is extremely stressful for someone with BPD. Mabye it would be better to look into with your GP whether there's an opportunity for counselling or psychotherapy, or whether there's any voluntary organisations offering this or any affordable places.
If you still think hospital would be best, I personally think the best thing to do would be to go to A&E and discuss your options with the duty mental health team. I'd hate to see your harm yourself to get help - that can go horribly wrong and often doesn't increase your chances of being admitted at all.
I dont know what it is about the hospital. But the more i think about it the more i want to go. I have no idea why. I guess it feels like proper rock bottom? I want to experience hospital, now...
Hi Shrink, I don't have a lot of advice about how to go about being admitted but I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. A lot of what you have said has struck a cord with me and I want you to know you are free to PM me anytime. My internet access can be a little off/on but I'll reply asap.
I could be completely wrong about this and I don't want to make any assumptions but is there any chance that you want to be in hospital because it is a way of validating that you are ill? I have BPD too and often it is hard to be taken seriously by the general public and mental health workers alike. Also I spend a lot of time wondering if I really am ill or if I am just being stupid. By being admitted to hospital it is confirms you really are ill and struggling? As I said I may be completely off the mark there it is just a thought.
As Katie mentioned IP can be quite traumatic. It seems to be pretty hit and miss on weither you are admitted onto a ward with good staff etc. The best thing is usually consistant and proper support in the community which I know can be really hard to find.
Please hang in there *hugs*
Violet x
I used to long for broken bones
I used to long for a casket to call my own.
my internet acces isn't very consistant so I apoligise if it takes me a while to reply to anyone
I dont know what it is about the hospital. But the more i think about it the more i want to go. I have no idea why. I guess it feels like proper rock bottom? I want to experience hospital, now...
There is this misconception (which I had as well) that if you go inpatient it means you are really 'that bad' and that people care about you being that bad. When actually someone could be outpatient and be more ill than someone inpatient just coping better with it. Inpatient doesn't give you much other than safety. It's not a therapeutic environment at all. There is no therapy or groups (depending on the unit but generally OT stuff in england is crap), the nurses might not be very good at their jobs or at keeping you safe, you'll have to deal with other patients who might be loud & abusive & very ill. Typically your main contact will be with a psych who might only discuss meds. I'm not saying that hosp doesn't have it's place but just because you're not inpatient doesn't mean you are not sick.
Have you thought about day hospital ? I found that more helpful. I was in the hospital thought the day but would be allowed home at nights. Fully inpatient was hard for me and often made me worse. My anxieties heightened. For full two years I was in hospital more than I was at my own home and that was difficult. I do admit though that at times if it wasn't for being hospitalised I wouldn't be here and moving in with life.
I realise that this isn't the advice that you're really asking for and that other people have said the same, but I really, really wouldn't advise seeking admission until you've properly (and with decent support) exhausted all the other options.
I have BPD and there was (when I was receiving proper care) an agreement that it was best for me to stay OP and that any admission would be for no longer than 72 hours. I think this is standard.
Being in hospital, for me, made me iller and really quite isolated. It took away my positive coping methods and I didn't get therapy or listened to, I got kept safe and observed.
I don't know where you are, but in the area where I was living there was a really good PD team and the outpatient support was much more beneficial. I'd advise you to think about what you want, the help, and what you think hospital will bring and discuss it properly with your family and friends as well as health professionals.
Sorry, that was less rambly in my head.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
^^ I have an appointment on Thursday anyway. So i'm trying to hold on until then. But i'm not sure what to say really. Because what i feel and what i want seems to change ALL the time, like could change within 5 minutes. I'm constantly analysing everything i feel and say because i try and work out what impression it will give, and then i get confused because i dont know what impression i WANT it to give. Like i dont know if i want to ask for more help, because DO i want more help? And then i'll be thinking if i ask for help will they just think i'm attention seeking or ok?
I feel such a compulsion to lie and tell them i'm worse than i am so they take me seriously. But then i think i would freak out if they told me i had to go to hospital.
I guess i just need to be as honest as possible. But thats really hard when it changes all the time. I can be literally seconds from killing myself. Last night i was sitting just banging my head against the wall. It was a 'good' thing i was inside, in my room and it was dark outside. Because had i had an 'easier' option to kill myself, as in ... was near a road, then i would have taken it in that moment of impulse. But this morning when i'm calmer, i cant really believe that, and it sounds so stupid to say it. And i cant imagine anyone else believing me while i calmly sit there in my GP/CPNs office.
I just.... dont get it.
So after reading your replies i dont think i DO want hospital, but i also think that at times i dont think outpatient, weekly CPN/GP appts will be enough? The fact that things are so changeable is a problem.
Sometimes i think theres nothing wrong with me. Except maybe BPD. I think i make all of this up for attention?
If you think hospital is something you want then I would definitely ask. However I fear your wish will not be granted. It is well known against MH team that if some one is diagnosed bpd then a hospital admission can cause them to become too dependant on services and in worsen their symptoms.
I also think that your idea of hospital maybe a little different to what it is actually like. I have been in psych hospital 4 times and when you are actively suicidal it can be a horrible place to be. You can not always get in touch with the nurses when you feel you need them and sometimes it is hardto talk to other patients because the ward can often be full of many psychotic patient who are too unwell to converse.
I feel like in your situation a treatment programme would be a lot better for you. If you want to get better and you are willing to confront you issues/ feeling and make steps towards changing them.
Basically it is not in your best interests be admitted to hospital every time you feel like your symptoms are too much, it would be a lot better for you to find ways to cope with your symptoms so that you have less stress and low periods.
So i see my GP tomorrow morning. And i finally got an appointment to see the CPN i saw before. I'm really scared. Scared of not being taken seriously. Scared of being taken seriously. Scared of what i might say. Scared of what i might not say. Its so hard.
The best thing you can do is just be honest. If you start lying or saying what you think they need to hear it complicates everything. I was completely honest with my team and now they trust me because of it so if I am actually unsafe they believe me. I know other people that have said they are unsafe because they wanted x, y, z and now they aren't trusted.
Just be honest about the things you feel you need.
Also please don't be disheartened if you don't get what you want, it is not because you have done something wrong but usually because either that path would not be in you best interests or there is simply not enought funding or beds to grant your wishes.
I hope you get some support from them at the very least.
I will think of you tomorrow x
SO i went to my GP appointment. But because i had a blood test on Tuesday and it showed i'm really anaemic, she really only talked about that. I have to have more blood tests next Tuesday.
And because i said i'm seeing my CPN tomorrow i guess she didnt really go into the rest with me. She gave me a sick note for another week and said to go back next Thursday, when the new bloods will also be back.
THEN i got a call from the clinic receptionist to say she made a mistake and that my CPN is on a course this week and cant see me tomorrow. She did say i could see someone else, but i just cant. So now i have to wait a whole week and see her next Friday instead.
I'm SO upset. I havnt seen her since last November. I got referred back to her on January 19th after the OD, and i STILL havnt seen her. Its so stupid.
I guess i'm not important enough?
I have to keep myself safe for a whole another week.
Do i need to show them i need it? Or do i just give up.
