????????????

[skye81]

So... I have never used this site before, although I have been a member for a while. Hi to everyone. Was hopin to meet people totally to that will have some idea of how I am feeling when I describe it without freaking out or just pretending to empathise with me because u don't have a clue what I'm talking about. If you have never self harmed you don't understand, and I don't blame people for not understanding and thinking I am 'sick in the head' because I what I used to do. Used to... A good thing right?? I haven't self harmed for about 6 years and it's been so hard at times. I get the urges still and it's been particularly hard over the past few months. Because I can't talk to anyone I have isolated myself completely. The only person I am desparate to talk to lives miles away from me, a hug from her and for her to tell me that everythin will be ok would make things not seem so bad. People try to understand but they can't, not really. Anyone else have these feelings?? thanks for listening anyway x

[skye81]

Ps... I'm 30 and feel so stupid for still having these feelings and for needing to be comforted

[squirrelspit]

I am almost 26, i havent self harmed for 5 years. Yesterday i was shaving my legs and it dawned on me that i still cant do that without thinking about self harm.

Im sorry i dont have any advice, but i do relate.

[skye81]

Yeh... That sounds familiar. How many 'normal' scenarios are harming opportunities for those who have experienced self harm. It takes so much restraint to actually not do something that wouldn't even enter any one else's mind. It's crazy. Not really advice I need, just someone who 'gets' it. Well done in not harming in so long by the way. I always try to think of it as such an achievement as i'm told to but then kind of wonder how it's a good thing that although I haven't hurt myself but the thoughts are at the front of my mind like all of the time. Feel like I'm bein patronised a bit, like when you praise a child for doing something well. That might not make sense but I know what I mean in my head. Nothing makes sense in words once it leaves my head. Thanks for your reply x

[OverAndUnder]

jo-marie: Six years?? Congratulations! That's amazing! I definitely know the feeling of being reminded of self-harm left, right and centre. I had (pretty much) stopped self-harming for about four or five years and recently fell right back into my same old habits. So my advise to you would be to see a counsellor to talk about the urges before you end up acting on them. Do you already see a counsellor? Have you talked about this stuff?

I'm reminded of the white-knuckled alcoholic with your story. There are alcoholics who quit drinking, work a 12-step program and eventually lose the urge to drink. Then there are alcoholics who want desperately to drink every single day, but don't allow themselves to do it. To me, that's not true sobriety. That's kind of what it sounds like you're doing. If the urges are still there, you're not fully free!! I hope none of this sounds patronizing to you, I do know how you feel. All I can suggest is talking to a professional :)

Good luck, jo-marie!!

[skye81]

Hi... No that doesn't sound patronising at all. I get what you mean and it's right. Although I think a bit like being an alcoholic, you can never be completely free of these thoughts. I have seen a counsellor a few times, it really helped but I don't know what's wrong with me because the feelings subside for a while but come back. I can take antidepressants and beta blockers for a while then stop but feel that I need them again a few months down the line. This sounds stupid and I'm too scared to ask my doctor but I don't think this is just depression. If it comes back frequently (and I have been experiencing and treated for depression for over 10 years) then is it not some type of mental disorder?? Like bipolar or something??? I have been at the stage now for months where I need my medication again, and others have noticed but for various reasons I can't go back to my doctor and explain this. A lot depends on me having a good state of mind that I am struggling to maintain this. I mean I am, if u looked at me you wouldn't guess how I was feeling but I'm
Not sure how much longer I can go on before I break and burn out completely. It's bloody hard ! Do you think that it's ok to have harming thoughts without acting on them, and can you be 100% sure with yourself that you won't do anything? I convince myself that I can cope with it. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't talk to anyone and I'm sick of being asked if I'm ok. I'm far from it but if I really admit that and face up to it then I don't know how I will deal with it. Sorry for going on. Thanks for the reply by the way. It's comforting that someone else gets what you are feeling. Xx

[skye81]

Ps... I'm sorry that you have started harmin again after such a long time. Do you have a good support network ? Do you see a counsellor ? X

[OverAndUnder]

Jo-marie: Why can't you go back to your doctor and tell him how you're feeling? Maybe you just need a different type of medication, or a higher dose or something. I think it's better to have thoughts of self-harm and not act on them, but the point is that we shouldn't be having those thoughts at all, really.

Thanks, and yes, I just started seeing a counsellor last week. I am also awaiting a referral to a psychiatrist.

[skye81]

Overandunder... I know I really need to go back to my doctors but I have a problem with my work. At the moment I am off medication and I know I need to be back on it but I have just had to have a medical assessment deeming me fit to do my job as it holds a big responsibility over children and other adults. Basically if I go back on meds I have to declare this which would deem me unfit to work. I know that harming an being on the mess make no difference to my role at work but unfortunately the decision is out of my hands and made by someone who doesn't know me. My doctor fills in the declaration but the inal decision is made by doctors employed by someone else to check my suitability. It's gutting really cos I have been in my work for nearly 12 years and gradually worked to the top, knowing it could be taken away just like that. It's not fair. thank u for your support by the way. Maybe I can do the same for you? Xx