I am sat in the car. My best friend, Tom, is driving me to her house. I couldn't bear to myself - besides I can't drive anyway. I keep nervously checking my phone to see if I have any messages from her on Facebook. None yet. No cancellation. No message telling me she can't bear to see me.
You see, I bring Babz bad memories. No. Good memories. Of the past. Of her precious daughter Danielle. But they are bad, purely because they are best friends. No. I need to stop saying everything as if she is alive. Were. They were best friends. Better friends than Danielle and I.
I hadn't seen her for a year. I kept in contact via the internet. They, her family, moved away. I don't recall why. But Danielle was bullied at her new school. She was simply B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I wasn't on the other hand, and never will be. She was called horrible names - I wince whenever anybody says ‘whore; now. I had last seen her on the day of her move. We were bouncing on her trampoline, and then my mum came to pick me up... but you see, I didn't know she was moving. Everybody did apart from me! Everyone. No one said anything to me, afraid that I would get upset, so I didn't know my best friend was leaving me and that I would never have the possibility of seeing her again.
Danielle was diabetic. A hard way to live and a much easier way to die... Insulin overdose. I heard this over the phone. I know I should not have been listening but there I was by the kitchen hearing my mum tell her group of friends. I didn't know she was dead. Yet again, no one had told me. But as soon as I heard insulin, it was like a connection to me. Danielle. I burst in. Danielle must be ill, I must go and see her! I needed to see her, we had so much to catch up on. Everyone was staring at me. With worried looks. Mum had taken me out and told me slowly that Danielle wasn't around anymore. I replied "Mum. If you don't remember she hasn't been around for two years! They moved and didn't tell me!" She tried to explain and when it got through it hit as though someone had chucked a brick through a window. My best friend? Dannii was dead. dead.... DEAD???
I ran as fast as I could...
I was away for 12 hours. Mum 'went sick' with panic. She didn't understand that I was distraught not just sick.
Anyways, recently I got in contact with Barbs again. She looked just as I remembered her. Cosy, loving, friendly. She was so upset, she tried several times to kill herself, and was under police watch. But Pete and Jamie stopped her. Pete, I remember was a lovely person. Her husband. And her son, Jamie. Only a few years old when they moved.
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:46 PM.
Reason: Edited labels - please see this thread for more details http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=156319
Based... it's not all quite how it happened though. thankyou :)
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I was wondering about what I was going to say to her... her Facebook update a few days ago was something about not being able to talk about it. It cut me open when I read that because all I wanted to do is talk about Dannii. That was the only thing Barb didn't want to do.
Tom swerved to miss a cat. This brought me out of my daydream quickly and I realised we were only a mile from Northwich. A single mile from Barbara. A mile from where Dannii was resting - I have always thought of her resting, just waiting for me to join her. The thing is, Barbs told me something online. That she wouldn't have been with Danielle if she had killed herself. So we are both waiting. I hope I get there first...
It had always been Dannii and me. Then Poppi came to my school, and she along with a lovely girl called Emily, became part of our 'group'. Poppi is dead now as well. You know what hurt me most about that? Neither of my best friends told me what was going on with them before...
I guess because Dannii couldn't but Poppi had no excuse. I think that is why I don't get as upset as other people about her slashing her wrists and overdosing to die. Every time I think about it, I want to curl up and forget everything.
I keep a picture of all of us at my 11th birthday party in my drawing pad which I carry around with me everywhere. We are all laughing along as sparklers burn on my cake. That was one of the best days of my life... and one of the last I saw of Danielle.
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 30-07-2011 at 10:09 PM.
I was a happy person. Danielle and Poppi were happy people. We were all fine until we got split. I had never wanted to kill myself before Danielle did. Emily and I can't bear to look at each other anymore, for fear of more guilt. It shoots through me every time I open my sketchpad. After January this year I found my special piece of metal. I didn't realise before that I didn't need the mental pain that I had been suffering for nearly three years. I could have easily substituted it with blood. But Tom took my blade away from me a month ago so I had to resort to candle wax...
Barbara was pretty, like her daughter. Okay. Not as pretty, but still stunning. She is not so much anymore, grief has aged her. I wondered if she still had that homely smell about her. I wondered if they still had pictures of Dannii up. I wondered what they had done with her stuff. Her teddies, CD's, photo albums. It struck me that she must have had more photos of us than I had. I have none of us now. An evil bitch stole the ten I had, from my locker in my first year of high school. But Dannii had a camera. She was clicking away all the time. Did Barb still have those photos?
"2, 4, 6, other side must be, 11, 13, 17... I think this is it." Tom said as we drove down and then pulled up at No. 21, Wellington Street, West Cheshire. I saw a white Audi. And a nice, neat garden. Barbara always liked gardening when she wasn't busy looking after Jamie. She is expecting another baby on 31st July. They are gonna call him Bobby. I can't wait to meet him! I want to know if his arrival will stop the forever cracking in Pete and Barbara's hearts. Bobby will never replace Dannii. I know this, but he will be a comfort for them, keep them busy. I saw a flap of a blind against a window. Crap. I thought. No turning back now.
"Ready? Do you want me to stay here?" asked Tom. I gave him a hug reassuring him I'd be okay. "You can go if you want."
He replied with, "Not leaving you by yourself ever again, alright?" I remembered that night... Tom left me after a gig. I was looking through old letters. One from my mum, a lot from my sisters. None from my brother or my Dad - men, right?! And then the special ones. Danielle > Me. We designed our own stamps and put them in our spaces at primary school. This went on for years, and I had kept mine. They were about stupid stuff like, 'Haha. Mike tripped up today. Wasn't pudding nice at lunch.' But that stupid stuff was my life. I had gone haywire. Blood ran down my arms in gallons that night. Tom had come through the back door to make sure I was ready for school and found me in a puddle of blood on the floor... He had never left me alone since. He made sure there was always someone with me.
So I stepped out of the car and onto the gravely pavement...
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:40 PM.
There was a huge ceramic pot of red-and-yellow parrot tulips, either side of the bright yellow door. All the window frames were yellow as well on the base of a stunningly white brick pattern house. It was a neat garden. Barbara had done brilliantly, she must have moaned about getting soil up her nails more than before. :) A white picket fence stole the perimeter of the garden with its lovely pink roses growing up it, in perfect contrast to the yellow blooms planted all over the garden. A goal post was precariously positioned between two pots of sunflowers. Pete had always been a keen Liverpool supporter, maybe he'd had Jamie follow in his footsteps.
I stepped slowly up the white gravel path, but still managed to stir it up and get the dust all over my new dress. It was my favourite dress ever. Kind of a vintage look, with black, blue/green and white butterflies. I know it sounds babyish but it really is lovely. I also wore an Alice band and blue flats - an upsetting day is never a day for my normal heels. I reached the door and turned to take a admiring glance at the beautiful garden and give a reassuring wave to Tom to make him sure I was okay. He waved encouragingly back, and plugged his iPod in. I laughed out loud, Tom and his music were inseparable.
.
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:41 PM.
Danielles mum had little Bobby on Wednesday, 21st July (my birthday aswell) :) soo happy
Music keeps loads of people there. It soothes. Its strange, isn't it. Music... It makes people feel better, or sad, depending on the song. I listen to Paramore because I love Hayley's voice. I think her hair is amazing as well. I have always thought it was unfair that people like Hayley and Danielle could be so pretty and I was just boring looking. I'm not ugly. But not pretty. I thought about all this as what seemed like an age, knocking on the door.
A boy I didn't recognise opened it. He was 7 maybe 8.
"Who are you?" He asked. I knew exactly who it was with the sound of his voice.
"Little Jamie! Wait, not so little anymore, huh?"
But he didn't smile or anything. He just looked up at me with a look that read 'who is this weirdo???'
"Jamie. It’s me. It’s Ruth. Don't you remember me? We went to the park with Dan..."
"Don't say her name in front of him!" I gasped at the shock of noticing a woman standing behind him. She was tall and thin, with blonde hair. She looked relatively young but you could tell she was actually in her 40's.
"Julie, right? I've seen your picture on Facebook. How is Poppy today?" This made me think about my Poppi, but I kept a brave smile in my face to show the bitch who was boss.
"Don't ever mention her name in front of any of this family. Alright?" I was silenced. How dare this bitch tell me what to say to what used to be my 'family'. We'd pretend I was an adoptive sister of Dannii. And here she was telling me what I could and couldn't do.
"Right. Who were you to Danielle again?" I was pulling the argument my way again.
"I er.. was almost an aunt to her!" She was looking behind her now.
"Oh, that’s funny, I've never met you before. I mean if you were an aunt to her, then you would have known her a few years, huh? Well I'll just be coming in and talking to Barbara then!"
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:41 PM.
I appreciate this. Little Bobby looks just like Danielle! He is adorable.
Pete was in the kitchen. It was lovely. A bright white row of counters with an electric cooker in the middle stood to my front.
I could smell cooking. I followed my nose to the kitchen with tears in my eyes. I hated Julie already. She'd taken away part of Danielle just by saying two sentences to me. Pete was in the kitchen. It was lovely. A bright white row of counters with an electric cooker in the middle stood to my front.
"You must be...Ruth. I haven't seen you for years! How are you?" He turned with a pan and drained it into the sink.
"Pete! You haven't changed one bit!" The tears were flowing down my face now. I went up to him and hugged him even though he was practically a stranger to me now. We chatted for a bit about school and what I wanted to do when I was older before I went to look for Barbara. I walked into the living room. On the far side were pictures of Danielle and Jamie with a vase of white lilies underneath.
"Ruth?" I whizzed around and we flew into each others arms. Babz burst into tears and we just stood huddled together for what seemed like eternity. I would give anything to be hugging my Danielle right now but this was the next best thing.
"Oh, honey. I heard what Julie said to you. I'm so sorry she upset you but she is rather over protective of me, you see."
"Babz... I have... missed you ...guys so much.” I could hardly speak for the big lump in my throat that I had every time I had talked to her on Facebook. “Gosh, look at your bump! Hey lil Bobby.”
"Mummy?" We both jumped when our comfort was broken.
"Darling, you do remember Ruth don't you? You used to play with her all the time." I think she felt guilty that he didn't seem to recognize me at all.
"No, no. Barb he was only little when I knew him. So was I!" I turned to Jamie. "Do you still have Mr Brown?" Mr Brown had been a teddy that we bought from the bear factory for him. We used to always have days out, me, Babz, Jamie and Dannii.
"Yes, Jamie go and get Mr Brown." Barbara ushered him out of the room before going over to a cabinet and pulling out a file. "Ruth, sweetie. I put this together for you." She handed me the blue file and I opened it. I gazed down and gasped.
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:42 PM.
The file had lots of little pieces of card at the front with writing on. I recognized my seven-year-old handwriting against Danielle beautiful swirly letters. We traded letters all the time throughout Mr Priddy's math lessons for a year. Nearly 30 little bits of card. Tears pricked my eyes once again. I flipped the wallet to the next one. This had Christmas cards from me to Danielle in. Only two mind, but it was better than nothing. I sat down on the sofa and flicked through all of the wallets. Photos, receipts, tickets, friendship bracelets. We went through a craze of making loads of little threaded bracelets for our friends. The last plastic sheet held an envelope. It was sealed and had my name elegantly written on it with a heart next to it. I looked up at Babz and noticed she was holding a similar envelope. With 'Mum' written on it. She was rocking backwards and forwards as if she didn't want something to happen.
"Barbara... Have you read this?" I asked her in a stuttery voice . She just shook her head and looked into my eyes. I could see she was distraught. I knew exactly what kind of note it was before I’d even looked at it. I turned the envelope in my hand over and opened it.
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:43 PM.
Ruth. God I miss you. I guess everything went alright after I was kidnapped to here ;) I just wish we had spent more time together after we moved. I never forgot that day we went to Alton Towers. :) One of the best days of my life. Haha your face when I said we HAD to go on Oblivion. :P Anyway I love you just so you know that. Not in that way lol. I'm also really sorry that this is such a short letter but I don't have time it is now or never and make sure Jamie is okay. And look after mum now that you are all grown up and stuff. And you have to make sure she still knows I love her so much. Poppi phoned me the other day. She isn't in contact with you anymore? Why? Look, I love you. X X X
Poppi had spoken to her just before?! She never told me. She was meant to be my best friend. It was me, Danielle and Poppi. I gave Barbara the note and waited while she read it.
Last edited by Silent.Tears : 24-06-2011 at 04:44 PM.
