Sorry, everythings just falling apart.
I felt pathetic after posting which is why I deleted my comment..
Here's a email I sent to the samaritans.. it explains it really.
I don't really know where to start..
My names Jessy, I'm 19, I've self harmed for 9 years,
I was raped last november by a stranger, it went to court and he got sent down for 16 years last month.
I was admitted to a psychiactric ward beginning of january up until 4 weeks ago..
I hear a voice, 'Him'
'Him' has been a lot more active recently, I daren't tell anyone about him because I know they'll just think I'm crazy. I don't even really know how to explain him out loud, it hardly makes sense in my head. It's like i'm the puppet and he's my puppet master. When I make decisions he always undermines me, he questions everything I do and makes me question myself. I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong because he says so. He gets mad at people and in turn I get mad at them, though it's not 'me'. I've been snapping so much at everyone and I honestly haven't meant to.. it's like I won't have any problem with what they're saying/doing, but he does and he comes out through me. So I'll snap, I'll have a go at them for doing something, but I don't mean it, I honestly don't... I can't stand him anymore, I need to cut him out, get him out somehow.
One minute I can make sense of everything, the next minute I'm completely irrational and it's like nothings real. Like a mirror that's had water thrown all over it, everythings distorted. I don't know, maybe I am going crazy?
I just cannot deal with this anymore, I need out, I've tried to kill myself this year numerous times.. Though doing it whilst I was in hospital wasn't the brightest move as I got caught.
I have a CPN I see once a week since I've been out of hospital, she's useless though.. doesn't help in anyway, I saw her yesterday and once again when she left I just felt so let down and disappointed.
To top this week off, my fiance of nearly 4 years dumped me.
I know I am going to kill myself, I think about it every day, I'm just waiting for a day to feel 'right' you know? I know it'll be in the next week.
I don't really know what this email was for, maybe to get things out.
I just cannot do this anymore, i cannot carry on living, I'm giving myself a week, then my time is up, my battery has run out, whatever.
Sorry, this is probably a complete waste of time, me just ranting on about crap.. I just dont know what to do, I want to die, I need to die, I will die. I hate feeling this way but things don't change.
'Him' controls me, all the time, he makes decisions for me, he's made this one and I have to do it, I have to obey him.
You don't have to obey him. People can help you learn to listen to him less but you have to talk to people about it. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. There is no shame in what your experiencing, it's very common. PM me if you need and please keep posting xx
I understand what it is like wanting to die and have, myself, made many attempts to commit suicide. As late as one week ago today. How I survived it I'll never know but I did and it made me come to a realization, I would like to live if I could just get rid of the ghosts that haunt me.
I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused from as far back as I can remember by my mother. The sexual abuse stopped sometime before I was 8 but the rest continued until her death in 1995. I was never allowed friendships so I never learned to connect with other people except in the most rudimentary way. I started some minor self mutilation at 14. By the time I was 16 I was stuffed full of anti depressants and benzodiazapines to keep me normal enough to finish school. I began drinking heavily. I never had a relationship that lasted over 3 months (to this day and I am 40 now).
I've been hospitalized 3 times and seen what seems like hundreds of doctors. I've been diagnosed as bi-polar, as schizophrenic, as psychotic, as an anti social personality, etc. My most recent diagnosis was major depressive disorder with psychotic features and a severe anxiety disorder. The cocktail of drugs they have me on works fairly well, but I have finally realized one thing....
You can only be treated for something if you make up your mind to talk about it.
I feel like I have spent all of my life in pain because I was ashamed and embarrased of the things done to me and then the things I did to myself.Maybe I wouldn't be hurting physically right now from my last attempt on my life, basically kicked out of my own house.
I could look at things right now and say nothing has changed and try again. I am unemployed. I just found out last month my lungs are over half dead and if I don't quit smoking I will live less than 5 more years. I can't get a Dr. to give me an opinion either way about if I can work or if I need to file disability. That I am having to bum and borrow just to live. Because all of that plus my "ghosts" was my reasoning last week.
But I would rather live so I can see the things like my nephew an niece graduate high school and find their own place in the world. I don't want my dad and my sister to have to bury me.
One final note...hearing a voice in your head is something that happens to most, if not all, people some time in their lives. It does not make you crazy. But please talk to someone about it. You may be feeling very alone right now but there are people who love you and would be very hurt if something happened to you.
