BMI/Numbers/Weight Triggers - Help... I want to run away

[plastic rose]

I don't know what to do any more.

I know my ED is ruining my life. Yesterday I binged, then purged, then went back to the kitchen and binged AGAIN then purged AGAIN. I've been binging and purging pretty much every day I'm at the clinic. Today I tried really hard and i still ended up binging, purging until I couldn't see because my eyes were watering so much, and then taking laxatives. What the hell is WRONG with me?!! I know how bad it is to do that, but every time I'm just like "but I can eat as many cookies as I like and just throw up and still not gain!". And it's working, I am still losing weight, god knows how. It scares me that I can do that to myself every day.

Every time I try to stick to the rules at the unit and eat what I'm supposed to all I can hear in my head is "just 4 more lbs". I weigh 94lbs at the moment and I am over 5"6 so my BMI is 15.1. Rather amazingly, although my pulse has started to drop, it is still within the normal range and my blood pressure is fine, my ECGs come back fine, for somebody so ill, I'm surprisingly healthy physically speaking. And I know that will NOT last... but I just think... 90lbs... is such a perfect number. I just need to get there and I'll feel justified, like I finally achieved something.

I know I'm sick. There's no running from that now... but I don't want to get better, I just want to be thinner. But I don't want to die. I'm so confused and scared and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. All I know is the day patient thing is not working, and there's NO way I'm going IP voluntarily right now because I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I have a plan to get my mum to give me a meal in my bedroom and not let me eat any binge-trigger foods, in the hope that it will stop the binge-purge cycle from continuing. I feel like such a failure when I do it, but I just get so tired and so hungry that I can't STAND it.

help?

[surprising mystery]

*cuddles you tight* Could you get your mum to give you snacks as part of your meal plan so you dont get so hungry, you obviously need more food. Like you say, you are right on the edge of your physical health beginning to suffer very badly. Please tell them whats going on, I doubt they could section you as your 'surprisingly healthy all things considered' but at least that way you can get more help so you can stay at home to recover. I know you dont want it, but maybe make a massive spidergram on your wall (on paper of course) and write down all around it all the things you can associate with being well and healthy.. going to uni, getting the most out of it, being able to wake up and not fall down as soon as you get up.. being able to go out for a meal without stressing for hours and hours before and after.. seeing the real you and being pleased with yourself as you justly should be.. enjoying things again and allowing yourself things.. etc?

Sorry if its a crap suggestion, take care sweetie xxxxx

[behindblueyes]

I think tat you should talk to people at the unit. I think they would respect you for telling them the truth rather then finding out that you are with holding information from them. Soner or later they will probably find out, just because your vitals will start to fluctuate along with your overall health. Do you thing there is a way that you can chart out your food so that you are regulating without starving yourself? Even ask your mom to help you wth this so she can keep an eye on you as well.

I wish you wouldnt set those goals for yourself as hard as it is :-/ I am just scared that once you get down to that 90 pounds... a number in the 80's will seem like the 'perfect' number. I think you know that your weight is way to light as it is right now... you dont need to go any lower Sarah. You are so incredibly beautiful and I would hate to see you both in physical and mental pain.

You can make it through this. I know that you can. You have already proved your strength so many times.

Take Care my Love
x Kate

[oedipus]

sweetheart i'm not with the words right now, but i strongly agree with Kate and think that you should tell the people at the clinic. you deserve much more than this.
I'm thinking of you sweethart,
Alys
xxx

[nowhereman]

I wish I knew what to say to help. I agree you should try to tell them how bad things are, it doesn;t sound much fun for you right now and I don't want to see you get any iller. You might seem ok now but it can happen so quickly. We're here if you need anything.

[loopylucy08]

*hugs Sarah*

Its really sad that things are so tough for you right now. I know you say your goal is 90lb, but I think u kno that wen u get ther, ana will just want mor frm u. Which is such a shame bcos u r so beautiful and I really wouldn't want 2c u shrink any more.
I agree with the girls above that talking to the people in the unit would b a good idea. I think they need 2 kno. I honestly believe u hav 2 try and b honest- otherwise how can they help u? If its easier, y dont u print out yr RYL posts and show them? U r NOT failing. On the contrary, u r very brave 4 goin in2 treatment that u hav admitted u don't particuarly want right now. So many ppl if yr situation would refuse, but u haven't and I'm SO proud of u 4 that. I think u should try and c that as a positive because u may nt c it, but it suggests ther is an ickle, tiny bit of u that does want help. AND you're trying really hard. My SW says 2 me she doesn't care if I dont manage 2 do all the things she ask as long as I try them. Thats important.
Do u think eating a meal in yr bedrm will help? My only concern is that a lot of people I kno hav fallen in2 anorexia that way. Parents let them eat in ther rm.....so they end up hiding the food and not eating. I understand wot yr sayin abou preventin the B+P trigger foods. Ru strong enu 2 eat when yr in yr room alone? Im not sayin yr nt, but we certainly dont want 2cu get nemor sick and that means its important 2 try, however hard, 2 stick 2 yr meal plan.
The decision 2 go IP is not an easy one and its understandable yr worried. But please try 2 avoid a section wotever u do! I think yr right, u do have 2 b ready, but I think thats true of treatment in general. The fact is they make u handle it. You're nt really given the choice nt 2 handle it, if u get what I'm saying. Its never goin 2 b easy whetha yr IP/DP/OP whatever but u will get ther and @ some point a light bulb will flick on and you'll b like, actually I am ready 2 get well. In the meantime, try and think of them as a life jacket, jst keeping u afloat until yr ready 2 learn 2 swim 4 yrself. Its like that with me @ the min, Im considered 2 ill and unstable 2 work on "recovery", so in the mean time, they jst keep me under obs til Im ready 2 take that step 4 myself. It doesnt mean yr failing, it just takes a while 4u 2 b ready 2 accept ther help. And I kno I said this the other day but its still really early days. You're still learning the routines of the patients and 2 trust the nursing staff, building relationships with the doctors and therapists and such like and they need 2 understand u. All of that really needs 2 happen b4 u can get 2 grips on the real work.
I think you've just got 2 take each day @ a time. Do the spidergram thing sme1 suggested if u think it'll help. And remember each day 4ward is a day closer 2u being free from the fright and confusion yr feeling in yr head. U can do it! Please try talkin 2 the staff if u can and please remember u have friends here who dont want 2 lose u. You can fight this and you're worth fighting it.
Love u loads
Becky xxx

[plastic rose]

I hate this. I don't want to do it any more. I want to run away. If I hadn't promised my mum all my life that is the one thing I would never do to her then I would do it. I could be in Paris tomorrow evening if I wanted. Or Edinburgh. I could stay as long as I wanted and I wouldn't have to eat what I don't want to or do what I don't want to. I could even just go and stay with a friend. My mum is stressing me out by being over-protective, the people on the ward are stressing me out by being over-protective, I just want to get away from it all for a few days, do what I need to do to sort my head out and lose the weight I need to lose. I need to think things through on my own. I can't do it while I'm here. I can't. I can't do it while I'm on the unit every day.

I think something needs to click in my head that won't click until I have some real space.
And I feel like I'm in a prison, life I've committed to a recovery I don't even want.

[If_Only]

I'm sorry, I really don't know what to suggest, all I know is, every time I hit a 'target weight' I set another one for myself straight away. It never ends. I'm seeing you're online now, so if you need a chat just PM me.

Katie xx

[loopylucy08]

This is probably a rubbish and stupid idea but could u mayb ask if u can go 2 a friends 4 the weekend (Im assumin u get weekends off treatment) or a relative where you'll have some space? I know its not long but if u feel u need a break then that mite b somethg u could think about.
I think they're only being over protective perhaps because they care which I kno doesnt make it easier- blimey wen Ive been under obs after hospital release Ive not been allowed in my bedrm 4 long on my own and it drove me mad!- but try 2 c it as them jst being worried and jst doing wot parents and professionals do.
You dont need 2 lose ay more weight, hun u r tiny! I kno me sayin it will make no difference and I really wish it cud but u honestly dont! Its yr ED doing the watching again. Try 2 think back 2 the posts u put on here b4 admission 2 the unit about yr convo with the psych wher it was decided u'd go in- look them up if u can- and remember wot u told us bck then...how u couldnt go on as u were. It will get better Sarah. Trust me, when u hit rock bottom, the only way u can go is up and mayb u need 2 hit it 4 yrself first but in the mean time I want 2 try and reassure u. All of my friends r different shapes and sizes with different clothes styles, looks etc But Im not friendly with them 4 any of those reasons. Im friendly with them because they have fab personailities. Being thin or fat or normal is not going 2 change who u r inside- and who u r is a wonderful, lovely, kind person who is willing 2 help ppl like me and others on here. And that is worth more than a billion pairs of size 6 jeans or whatever! Whats more- you've done another day and thats a really positive step. Please try and keep these things in ,mind.
Thinkin of u lots and sending u lots of pink fluffy cushions 2 cry in2 4 comfort. 2 let all the rubbish stuff you're feeling out
Love Becky xxx

[Psiren]

*cuddles*
I'm sorry I'm useless right now, I don't really know what to say.
Just know that the people on the ward are over-protective because they care about you, just like I care about you and I would hate to see you get any worse.
Take care of yourself sweetheart <3
I'm here if you need me. x

[Accidentally Abstract]

I don't even know what to say my lovely.
Don't run off. You know how much it'd hurt your mum, and probably yourself.
Just.. You know where I am, alright?
I hope that switch clicks soon, before it's too late.
*Squeezes*.. I love you, you know.
x