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Twisted Thoughts
I don't know exactly why I'm posting- I don't believe I have a specific question, yet maybe I do have questions that I don't even realize I have.
[... I don't even know how to go about typing whatever I'm thinking... though the emotions are so overwhelming, the words to convey the extent of this inner turmoil are just not coming...I've typed out a paragraph twice only to erase it... one more try I suppose?...]
This past week I've been eating much more- which is apparently a good thing. But my mind has been in a constant state of chaos due to my constant worrying over calculations between what I'm eating, what I'm burning naturally, and what I'm burning through exercise. I just can't seem to put my mind at rest so that I can rest assured I'm doing things the healthy way. That worrying and obsessing may have been what set me up for this "breakdown" I'm experiencing tonight.
I did well with everything today- as well as I could at least. I took a day off from running (for the most part) -meaning I ran less than normal. I only walked to and from the gym, as opposed to all around town like I have been. And I only did a bit on the elliptical. I did add back of yoga, which to me wasn't enough to even count- it basically got my sore muscles from so much running stretched out.
I feel as if I ate too much basically. Technically, even though I burned less through exercise today, I still ate less than I burned- I just didn't create as big as a calorie deficit as I have been (which, BTW, hasn't been ridiculous).
I stepped on the scale and, of course, weighed more than I did this morning. I can usually handle a certain amount of weight from food and water, but when it's too much, I just can't handle it. Part of me wants to say, "okay, 7 hours ago I didn't weigh this much, and I've eaten a good amount since then, so it makes sense that it could only be due to food and water weight." Yet the other part of me can't accept that. It can't except the fact that the scale could go up that much just from food and water.
Now, I want to cut so badly. I've been fighting the urge to cut for over 3 weeks and I can't do it any longer- I need it.
On top of all this, I have to spend 4 days at my Dad's house. Being around food I crave, yet don't want to eat, yet at the same time I do want to eat it, plus having my access to the gym taken away, as well as my ability to just walk around town, and the fact that it's going to be hard to run enough throughout the day- it makes me want to just run away from it all- which would probably land me back in the hospital, which I don't want to be back there.
Ugh- I don't know what I'm trying to ask or say- there's really nothing to say I suppose-
I just don't know what to do about all this.
BTW, I apologize if I said things I shouldn't have. I read the rules and tried to get a feel of how posting goes based on others posts- so I hope I didn't say anything I shouldn't have.
Last edited by TreesGetWheeledAway : 25-12-2010 at 05:32 AM.
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