My First Therapy Appointment

[CosetteDaae]

Tomorrow I go to see a psychologist for the first time in years. I will tell her about my feelings of guilt, my cutting, and my possible depression. I have mixed feelings about all of this. For years it's been an ongoing debate in my head as to whether my problems are real or whether I'm making it all up and fooling myself. But I have cuts on my arm to prove it's real, and tomorrow is the appointment. I'm nervous. I plan to post again on this thread after it's over and say how things went. I'm so nervous as I have no idea what to expect. Is it depression? Bipolar? Munchhausen Syndrome? (Which by the way is a mental disorder in which people pretend they are ill or insane for attention) It certainly feels real. The pain and guilt and distress and depression and shame.

Last night I hurt myself badly and I had a panic attack when I looked at my arm the next day and saw the damage I'd done. I told my mother, who took away my tools and is doing her best to help me. My mentors and friends had heart attacks. One of them almost literally did. He told me he went to the hospital because he thought he was having a heart attack, but it was a panic attack. Over what I did. I hate myself so much. I didn't want to hurt everyone around me. I only meant to hurt myself.

And what if she wants to change my meds? prozac and time all but cured my anxiety disorder and a few years ago, when I asked them to up my dose to 80 mg instead of 60 they said they couldn't do that and if I needed more help they'd have to put me on something else, something psychoactive. I think that was the word they used. That sounds horrifying. I don't want to start seeing and hearing things. I don't want to undergo drastic changes in my personality, I just want to feel good enough to have control over my emotions. Surely that's not an unreasonable request.

And suppose I have to be admitted? What will my family think? I'm so afraid and so deeply ashamed of myself.

[Ballerina123]

First off, it is highly unlikely you will be hospitalised. Very very few people do during their first assesment.

In regards to meds
1) meds will not fix the problem. They are usually there to take the edge off the symptom so you can work through the problem. So maybe don't expect so much from drug therapy.
2) there are loads of anti depressant and anti anxiety meds out there. There are quite a few very similar to Prozac. So don't loose hope chafing meds could be a help rather than a hindernce.

Finally don't bet yourself up about a diagnosis. It is unlikely they will change your diagnosis there and then and if they do I would question their judgement. Psychiatric diagnosis usually takes weeks/months to do.
Also only a medical doctor can diagnose mental illness a psychologist is not allowed to so it is unlikely they will do so x

[CosetteDaae]

Well, in brief she said I might have Dysthymia. She was very reassuring about my not making this up and said that since the last time she'd seen me I have calmed down quite a bit and am much less dramatic and histrionic. We're going to talk next time about developing healthy coping skills