Hey honey,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so bad at the moment. I hope that you're feeling a bit better since you posted this, and you've managed to stay safe. I know that things must be absolutely awful for you to be thinking about suicide, but they will change. It really won't feel this bad forever. It's so great that you're trying so hard to get through this, please just keep holding onto the part of you that wants to make it through. The links that Kate gave are really good, have a look at them and really think about it.
What do you think would help you just now? You say that there's so much stuff in your head; something that can really help with that is just writing everything down. It might not fix anything, but it gets it out somewhere, it gives you some 'space' from it. If you want to do that here, then we're all here for you. Also,
distracting yourself is a good place to start, and something that helps me to feel 'safe' is just curling up with a blanket and a good film. If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe, then being with someone or at least calling someone is a good suggestion. Have a look at the article on
Helping Yourself When You're Suicidal, it has some helpful suggestions actually.
I can understand not feeling safe when you cut.. if that's the case, it might be good to try finding some other ways of coping, like writing, or even drawing or scribbling on some paper, talking, exercise, etc. Of course, I'm not saying that you should stop self-harming if you don't feel ready to. But try to be as safe as possible. It's one of the hardest things to do, but try to set limits for yourself about how many times you'll cut, how deep, etc, and stick to them as far as possible, to try to be safe. And take care of your cuts, get medical help if you need it.
PTSD must be awful to deal with, if you want to talk about any of that in more detail, then please do so. But are you getting any kind of help at the moment - like seeing a counsellor or therapist? If so, then please tell them how bad things are. I sthere anyone else you could turn to, family members or friends maybe? Sometimes it just helps to know that someone is there for you.
Take care of yourself sweetheart, and please PM me if you ever need to talk or anything, I'm always more than happy to listen.
Hanna
xo
