help me please.....

[pea soup]

it was around this time that my father died 2 weeks ago.
i found out 2 weeks ago today.
its 1:12am.
my brother is dressed in overalls and playing the cd we had at the memorial.

i thought i was doing better.
i found my tears yesterday. it was a release.

but now it feels horrible.
my brother cant sleep...i cant either.

hes playing the music over and over.

god...i hate this.
why is it necessary for people to die???
jesus. dont even try answering that question.

its driving me mad...and if you obsess on it too long....it will you too.

yesterday the haldol calmed me but today it has been hell.
i feel like im on speed or something.
WIDE AWAKE. i hate it.

ive been trying so hard. im tired of trying guys. really tired.
im sorry.
xx

[pea soup]

i cant breathe.
but obviously i can right? or i couldnt be writing this?
tell that to a person in a full blown panic attack.

this night sucks ass.

[Mandimoo]

*hugs* did you and your brother talk any?

maybe it oculd have been an opportunity to snuggle in with a duvet on the couch a warm drink (cocoa) and just talk. love you rach, mand x

[pea soup]

thank you manda.

my brother wont talk about it.
i heard him crying but i just let him be.

i got a little more sleep and feeling a bit better.
chat later?
loves.
xx

[chocostashchick]

xxxooo

[pea soup]

thank you.

im feeling a bit better.
still shaky but better.
love to all
xx

[chocostashchick]

i'm glad you feel better
now that you have cried maybe that means that you can start to release it all and you are letting your feelings out
i'm thinking of you rach *hugs*
xxxooo

[Mandimoo]

crying is a good outlet. if you struggle to get started.....watch something weepy.

i ended up bawling over 'the big day', a tv programme where a bride/groom get all their family together, their family donates money and their services, the team (a designer and a venue organiser plus the presenter) and the family got just 5 days to find a venue, a dress, dress the venue, make a cake, get the food ordered, do the flowers etc....all without the bride and groom, they are not allowed to see anything.

the bride has a dress fitting wearing rubber gloves and a blindfold so she can't see or feel the dress.

fun fun! matt thought i was pathetic for crying, for under £9,000 they had a perfect, fairy tale wedding. *sigh* i want one!

[slipping up again]

hope you're doing ok.
thinking of you.
take care Xx

[Johanna80]

I don't know what it is like to loose a parent, but I want to say I'm sorry and *big hug*. I lost my grandfather five years ago, and I still miss him.

[thedevilshoar]

aww hun *massive huge hugs*

[Mimsy]

I'm thinking of you Rach. I hope you feel a little better now. Remember to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself.
Take care, Miriam xxx

[pea soup]

just wanted to give you all BIG *snuggle*
thank you.
xx

[chocostashchick]

snuggles for rachel too because she is lovely

[TouchVanDerBoom]

*snugs*