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Triggering (OD) - various issues im struggling with *triggers*
i feel so claustrophobic, suffocated and closed in. i cant spend that much time around people, because i feel like i need personal space. i need a lot of time for myself. but this makes things difficult when i have a boyfriend. he wants to spend a lot of time with me, but i need time to myself.
when i saw my CPN last week, i was crying my heart out, i was so distressed. she comforted me, but then afterwards she said, sorry but ive got to do an assessment with the doctor now. and she didnt contact me later to see if i was okay or text the next day to see how i was getting on. she usually would. i dont think shes really that bothered about me. she says i can contact her whenever i need to. but the thing is, shes a nurse, a professional. so of course she doesnt get attached really. but it annoys me when she can go home and live her great life, but i have to live my life.
i told her how i feel like theres stuff building up inside me thats making me want to OD. i havent done it for many months now, but i feel like its time for another one. it sounds stupid, its not that i want to die, i just need to cleanse my mind and body, and to 'get it out of my system'.
another thing is i feel like my mind is slowing down, im finding it hard to take things in, really simple things. i am worried my mind is going back to that of a child. i get excited about childish things like thomas the tank engine, postman pat, and love teddies, etc...but the idea of moving out of home, getting married and having kids really scares me. im 21, but dont want to be an adult. but i cant do much about that.
i keep having rubbish memories about my past, and my teenage years. i want it to be gone from my head. but i have bad thoughts of being destructive, and keep thinking of plans.
why cant i let this all go?
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