Stuck in the past

[secret squirrel]

However hard I try I can't escape my past. I can never forget the hospitalisations, the mistreatment from mh professionals, the mistakes and the ignorance I have encountered. Was I that bad? Did I really need to be sectioned all those times? How did I not get the treatment I needed earlier on?

All those years wasted, stuck on wards/ day centres/ day hospitals, with nothing to do, no point to life, becoming increasingly dependent on services.

And yet I wanted help, I always said I wanted therapy and I always took the medication they prescribed. I know I could be difficult at times, sometimes angry and aggressive, but I regret that as it got me nowhere.

They were only interested when my self harm got serious and I needed medical intervention and surgery; before that it was dismissed as "superficial" and "attention-seeking".

Once I stepped up a level, it was hard to go back down again.

Now I have the scars that will never fade, that will be with me forever. Some I can link to a specific traumatic experience in my life, others are just collateral damage. I will never show my arms or legs in public again; last time I wore short sleeves I was verbally abused on a train, and it was humiliating and painful. I don't blame the person though; after all it is not nice to look at and I don't even like looking at them myself.


I finally got the therapy I needed, after 7 years of pointless hospital admssions.

Now i apparantly no longer meet the criteria for BPD. I have no diagnosable mental illness. But I don't feel ok. No, I am not ok. I might only self harm occasionally, and in a careful manner to avoid any need for medical treatment, but I am still damaged. There is nothing more that psychiatry/psychotherapy can do. My psych is very nice, he listens to what I have to say and trys to understand. But there's nothing he can do as I am not mentally ill, just struggling with life and the aftereffects of an abusive childhood with the years of psychiatric abuse on top of that.

I don''t feel angry at the system anymore. I think I was unlucky and in those days (1990s) BPD was less understood as was SH. Things have changed (at least in my local services) and I hope that those who need help get the right help before they end up like me. (Although from some of the posts I read here it seems like there are still not enough good services and the waiting lists are too long.)

I don't know what the point of this post is, I'm feeling quite low tonight and considering SH again, just because I am fed up with trying not to.

[whirlpools]

Is there any way you could afford (maybe with DLA?) and access Psychodrama therapy? I found that Psychodrama, in a group setting, was SO helpful in helping me to understand these sorts of difficulties.

If you do, make sure the Psychodramatist you go with is registered with the appropriate professional agency.

[Cedrus]

Have replied via PM, in case you read this and are not signed in.

Hope you are okay and safe when you read this and managed your feelings and urges okay.

[secret squirrel]

Thank you both for your replies.

I was having a really down day and I'm a bit more positive now. When I'm feeling bad, I find it hard not to think about the past and things just go round and round in my head. I feel like I'll never move forward, that I will always SH and be messed up.

I am not really sure whether I want/need therapy at the moment as I had a lot in the past. I am interested in the idea of psychodrama, so thanks for your suggestion, disappear. I might look into it if I decide to have more therapy as I'm interested in trying something different to what I've had so far.

[PassedExpectations]

it seems like even if you aren't diagnosed with a disorder, past abuse would certainly merit professional help. especially as its negatively effecting you so much.