Becomming nothing

[Margo]

At least when i was ill i had "something".

Now i have nothing.

Im a lame excuse for a person.

Im a weak man.

I have nothing to say anymore to anybody.

I have no value. no purpose and no meaning.

I try to reply and it all sounds so ****.

Im not a nice person. Im incredibly selfish and mean.

Im quite pathetic actually.

Im lazy beyond belief.

Im scared of my own shadow.

Im intolerant of most things. Mostly myself.

Now i no longer have SH for comfort. Yeah in the end it was for comfort. cutting for cuddles as it were. but not even that now.


Im a joke. A living ****ing joke.

I have disgraced myself.

Whatever i did wrong in a former life im now cast aside to rot for eternity.


Ill blend into obscurity. Dull, bland and tepid.

I hate you Matthew.

i wish you had never been born.

[Queen Crabbit]

You are not nothing.
xxx

[Louise]

We are here for you, you are not nothing not at all.

My PM box is always open also you can contact the supporters anytime.

Take care
Louise

[Stellata]

Illness has different layers. One layer may be better. But the layers beneath need a lot of attention and care so that you can fully claim yourself back.

[Margo]

i dont think i want myself back tho.

Matthew ****s everything up.

I hate him

[Stellata]

If Matthew messes everything up, who are you?

[Margo]

this isnt a separation issue. I know who i am. Im just talking 3rd person to emphasise the point. But matthew is the one ive lived with my whole life. Its me and i dont like me. The same person who ****ed it all up in the first place.

I thought i could start again maybe. Become a better person, but too much of the old me is coming back. Thats not something to cherish. That is something to hate.

Im sat in a course at the mmoment about getting confidence back to find work. Im simply ashamed to be here.

But thank you for reading anyways. Just a rant i guess

[Margo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stellata

Illness has different layers. One layer may be better. But the layers beneath need a lot of attention and care so that you can fully claim yourself back.

....and yes. This. I know you are right Katie. I cant seem to rationalise this though.

I had to sit a course today for people whove been out of work for a long time due to illness. I felt so ashemed to be there. I text my father and told him how i felt and that i wanted to run. He said im having to start from scratch but that my recovery will be faster than the others.

sometimes i dont realise how bad things have been. Its almost impossible to benchmark past feelings and states from which i can refer and see improvement.

Im incredibly frightened. Frightened beyond belief. Like when a child is scared of something and they cant reason why. They just "are".

I have compassion for other kids tho but just not my own.

I dotn want anyone to ever become like me.

[PoisonedApple]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjapenguin

Im not a nice person. Im incredibly selfish and mean.

Im quite pathetic actually.

Im lazy beyond belief.

You may not know me well or talk to me often but I disagree with your whole post to be honest but the quoted part stuck out as a particular segment I can't even begin to agree with you on. It is thoroughly inaccurate. If you were selfish, mean, pathetic and lazy you wouldn't have responded when I emailed and you wouldn't have been looking for American recipes to serve people for breakfast and you wouldn't try to reply to people, etc etc. That could be a very long list in the end.

I know you commented further on in the thread about it with Katie but I still felt the need to say my 2 cent... I will go away now.