Triggering (Abuse) - I don't know what i need but i am getting desperate....

[Zurg]

god knows i have tried dealing with this but it seems to all have been in vain.... When i was 17 i met a boy who became my sweetheart. We were together til i was 22..... For 5 years i was in an abusive relationship with him..... It's 6 years ago he left me and i am still so bloody affected by what he did to me.

There was some violence. Not a lot but some. But the worst thing was the ever present threaths..... "OH, how i wanna hit you now!!" he would sometimes say just like that. And the verbal abuse. All the time. I was stupid, childish, needy, clingy etc... I was never good enough. He always had time to tell me how stupid and useless i was. I couldn't cook right, i couldn't clean right, i didn't speak like he wanted me to......

It's 6 years ago since it ended but in my head it goes on and on..... I have nightmares. Terrible nightmares where i wake up in a cold sweat, short of breath and scared shitless. I don't like to go to sleep because i never know when he'll be there in my dreams and it'll repeat itself over and over again.

I sought help from a women's centre that deals with domestic violence.... This was last summer. It hleped for a while but now the dreams are back. I'm really, really scared that it'll never stop....... I tried talking. No one wanted to listen. There was sexual harassment too in the relationship which has made me terrified of getting a partner. And i'm scared if i meet someone they'll turn out to be just like him.....

I'm so tired..... I'm so tired and i feel so small and scared each night as i go to sleep. I don't know WHY i can't let go of it...... IT doean't fill much in my day to day life but in my dreams it replays over and over. It has gotten so bad that i'm almost scared to go out in case i meet him somewhere. Part of wants to phone him and hurl abuse at him, but a bigger part of just wants him OUT of my life and head. I'm so ****ing angry at him because he ruined my life for 5 years and now he has the nerve to come and ruin it all over again in my dreams.

I don't know what to do..... Seriously, i have no clue..... I just want it to STOP......

[~Grace~]

((hugs))

It sounds as if you really need to talk to someone who will listen and offer you support and emapathise with you.

Im so sorry that youre going through this Kat...it must be awful and I really hope it will ease soon xx

[Merc]

Hey Kat, Im sorry this is still so troubling for you.
I wonder if it is because it was never 'properly'dealt with, as in, dealt with in the way YOU needed...?
Do you think writing to him (without a return address or a fake one) and saying all you need and want to would help?
Maybe it would end it for you...the horrible dreams, the fear...
I dont know.
Would you consider going back to the couns for it? Letting them know that while it helped, you need more and need a bit of help to find out what that 'more' is.
love ya
xxx

[Zurg]

Thank you for the hugs and the advice. It really means a lot to me.

I think i need to talk to someone too. I tried talking to my therapist but it was like she didn't really take me seriously and she kept saying how it couldn't have been that bad. Maybe it wasn't that bad but dammit it was bad enough to haunt me still.

It's ****ing unfair. He's married now with a kid and i have nightmares about him several times a week. He just got along like nothing ever happened and i'm a ****ing mess.

I'm not angry anymore but i just wish i could get over all this crap so i wouldn't get the nightmares anymore. It drains me when they come and the next day is ruined. I know i need to talk but i also need someone to listen and offer advice..... I don't feel like i can talk to my support worker because she'd probably freak out like she usually does when things are bad.

I only have my therapist but i gotta make her actually LISTEN to me. I don't know how because i have tried earlier and it was like she didn't think it was important...

[Merc]

Maybe you have already tried this; but could write her a letter, stating VERY clearly, at the beginning, that you feel unsupported and very unheard about this and you NEED it to be acknowledged, regardless of how SHE feels about it?
You have a right to be able to discuss what you need to and to be heard.
*squishes*
xxx

[PoisonedApple]

i agree with romp hun. her opinion isn't what's important to your recovery. if it is important to you or bothering you then you need to be able to talk about it without being put down. maybe if she can't do that she can refer you to someone else who can?