Triggering (SI/OD) - Finally went too far, that's what I've always been afraid of!

[-Shae-Lynn*]

My therapist is tired of me. I can feel it. She doesn't want to deal with me anymore. At the appointment yesterday she was practically rolling her eyes at me. 'Cause that makes me feel great. I talked to my teacher today about it and how my therapist thinks I need to stop talking to other people and rely more on myself (which is good advice, but I didn't like how she said it) and she agreed and said that maybe it is better to talk to fewer people. Then she went on to say how it might be apart of the BPD, how I wear people down or something.

So great. I've ruined something that was helping me so much. I don't even know what to do now. I decided to punish myself. I took an overdose, drank, burned and then cut my arm. It's not bad at all which makes me feel like crap. I can't even do that right anymore.

I feel like giving in, giving up, giving something...
I can't take this anymore. My mom already knows that I'm thiking that dying is the only way out. It's not like it would be a huge surprise now or anything. I could do it and be done. Be happy. Be safe. I'd no longer be hurting the people who I care so much about. It shouldn't sound this good to do something I know is wrong. Maybe it's something else tlking, but I really really don't want to fight anymore. I'm too tired for this.

[startingagain]

I hope you have been checked following your OD. Even if you feel fine there can be an effect later on. Please PM a first aider or ring NHS direct.

Tell your therapist how you feel. I doubt that you will wear her down no matter what your diagnosis. It's part of her job and she is there to listen. Maybe you are misinterpreting her reaction? If you think that she usually helps you, then don't let this one session change that.

[tamobhuuta]

i'm sorry what your therapist said upset you. please don't kill yourself, it would put a burden on those who love you, not remove one. sorry too that you've hurt yourself - do you need to get checked out for the OD?

do you feel you talk to too many people? it doesn't sound to me like you've ruined therapy, but maybe it would help for you and your therapist to talk openly about where you feel things are going.

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I went to the hospital today. I felt really bad and needed some help.
I really have no words right now, I feel like crap.
Pretty much the crisis worker said I have to grow up and remember what I've been taught and just suck it up. I miss being in the child/adolescent ward. They're so much nicer there! Anyways, I saw the ER doctor who asked if I would admit myself voluntarily and I said yes. I then had to see the psychiatrist who said that because it's a long weekend here he doesn't want to admit me. Plus I would have to be admitted to the adult ward and that scared me a lot. I've heard some scary stories about the 10th floor. I want to be admitted to the eighth floor where I'm comfortable. Where I know the people.
I was told to come in again if I start feeling bad and they'll admit me.

[tamobhuuta]

is it good that the option is there? sorry they weren't very supportive, but maybe you can see it as them having faith in you looking after yourself a bit... do you have anything in place to do that over the weekend?

[-Shae-Lynn*]

Yes, it;s good that the option is there, but it also means that I can mess myself up and know that I can go back there. I'm so fed up with this. I just want it all to be over! I want the pain to stop and I want to be happy. I know I'm not okay, but now I'm afraid to reach out. I'm afraid that by doing so I'll just ruin more relationships and I'll be even more alone. I cannot handle that. That's what landed me in the ER yesterday.
The crisis worker yesterday said that I need to really remember what I've been taught and just do it. Just follow the coping mechanisms and all the other things put into place. She said that I can't come in to the ER every time I feel bad. That I've been in treatment for a year and that I should be better by now.
I'm not better though and I know it's my own fault. I've never been assaulted or anything so I don't have a good reason for this. That seems to be the message I'm getting. "Assaulted? No? Then what the hell is wrong with you?" That's why I feel like I'm faking so often. Because I've been doubted by the professionals.
I miss my old social worker. He understood. He "liked" self-harmers and was willing to take the time to work with me. God, I wish I was 18 still so I could be admitted back to where he works.
I feel so incredibly self-centred. Like I need to be putting other people first and let myself fall to the side. I don't matter anyways so what is the point in trying to save myself? There isn't one!
I can't see myself getting older. I never thought I would make it to 19, let alone 50. I don't think I want to. I don't think I want to make it to 20. I don't want to fight if it just means that I'm going to get in trouble looking for help. Maybe I should get big into drugs. Maybe I'll develop some horrible illness and they'll finally believe me. I have the drugs, I could overdose on something strong and become a medical emergency. Too bad I don't have the courage to do that. It would hurt the people who know too much. I can't hurt them like that.

[Piglet]

It's not your fault you're ill and it makes no difference that you've never been assulted there a plenty of other causes. I don't think you can put a time limit on therapies, everyone moves at their own pace and a year is that long.

Having the coping mechanisms in place is good but it doesn't mean they will work every time we all slip up at some time. You just need to practice them and in time they'll come easier.

It is difficult seeing new people and i'm sorry you don't get on with them but maybe if you give it a bit more time for you to get to know each other things will be easier.

Imagining the future can be difficult when your feeling this low, but things won't stay this way forever they will get better.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything, take care.
Gemma x