Triggering (SI) - I'm not, really

[~*forever_broken*~]

My friend told me today that I was a 'blessing' to him. But I'm not. How can I be? I'm... stupid, childish, confused, and generally ****ed up. I can't be a blessing to anyone, not being the mess that I am.

I wish he hadn't said it. It's just not true.

And now I've wasted space.

Lord, I wish I could even be bothered to cut, but I can't even do that. I've got everything I need, just bought new supplies actually, and I can't even be bothered to use them. Not even when I feel like it.

[jonikd]

Hey Alyssa, people in our real world don't tend to say **** for the sake of it. Could well be that he means it, just accept it and don't over-analyse ok?

Its a good think that you "can't be bothered" cutting, just maybe you get that it really doesn't solve anything. Wish I couldn't be bothered tonight!

Hugs to you, give yourself a break hun 'k?
JK

[effervescence]

alyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! hi!!!!!!!!!!!
haven't seen you around for ages!
i'm glad you can't be bothered to cut. you don't need to do it. you need to be strong ok and find other ways to feel better.
your friend loves you. hold onto that. however you see yourself, other people LOVE you.

[~*forever_broken*~]

*is bowled over* lol Hey chica, glad to see you

Thanks girls I'm not overly crazy about the fact that I can't even be bothered to cut (especially since I could be bothered to throw out what would soon have been 12 months three months ago... so nine months, lol) but it is what it is I guess. I'm attempting (rather unsuccessfully it seems) to not get a cold so I'm really not bothering to do much at all

I know he does and I love him and his whole family to death (especially their three kids the oldest of which is *gasp* 6 - I 'met' him the day after he was born!! - and I call Goose - short for 'silly goose' which I called him when he was tiny - ). But he's the campus minister at the University I graduated from (I continue to live in the same town I came to for school) so he's got a lot on his mind as far as others go. And I'm pretty good at keeping people at arms length... so I really only get this from him once in a while when he knows I've been having a hard time of it (I just chatted with him last week while on a mission trip with the college group). I suppose I just need something more consistent. Then again seeing as I tend to keep people at a distance that's a lot to ask of someone *rolls eyes at self*.

And when you're feeling lousy and stupid and lazy and useless... irresponsible and the like... when you know the real you it's hard to take such things as any more than a hollow compliment.

*shrug* The good news is my head knows I'm being an idiot. Now if it could just convince my heart, lol.