Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - cant take back

ladybug · 30-12-2009, 12:13 AM

i want it to not have happened
that seems like a really stupid thing to say because you cant unrape someone
you cant unabuse someone
you cant ****ing take it back
it doesnt work like that
if i had just stuck to my oringinal thing and not gone back our with him it would have never happened
we went out i broke up with him
and then i went back out with him
it was my fault
i said if he ever felt the need to rape someone to rape me
i didnt want him to mess up someone elses life
i was already messed up because of past sexual abuse
i told him to rape me not someone else
i was already damaged so what did it matter
when i go to bed at night i can feel him on me in me
i have to try so hard to make it so i can sleep even though i can feel him
i go to sleep every night with him on me
i need to cut
i need to be punished if im pinished then maybe i will be a good girl
im trying so hard not to cut
i dont want to hurt people but right now i dont care who i would hurt
no one would have to know that i had cut
it would be my little secret
i kept it for so long
two years before anyone knew
i could do it again
i could hide it again
i hide being abused and raped
so i could do it with this
i feel so dirty all the time
everytime i have sex its like its him

The following content has been hidden - Reason : $lut

all i wanna do is cut
its all i wanna do
i need it
my little secret
im such a $lut
im a bad girl
a whore
a bitch
dirty
desgusting
damaged
broken
tainted
dead inside
i need to cut

30-12-2009, 01:31 AM

*hugs* You are in no way dirty. It's understandable you wanted someone to help you relive that, but I would really suggest that you stay away from the person you had sex with if being around him tempts you to hurt yourself in doing this. You deserve to be free of pain.

ladybug · 30-12-2009, 12:42 PM

no he doesnt make me wanna hurt myself, he makes me feel better, i just felt a bit crap and he was there, its so horrible that i asked him to do that, i feel so bad about it because to him it was just role play but to me it was so much more, im sor horrible

ghosts in the machine · 30-12-2009, 05:33 PM

*offers hugs* You are not horrible. In fact, you sound like a really caring person, from everything I've seen of you around the boards. In realy life you've tried to save other people from him, by suffering his violence yourself or by warning them what he's like. And here you offer support to us whenever you can. That's not a horrible person at all.

Wanting it not to have happened isn't a stupid thing. Of course we know that you can't undo the past, but that doesn't stop us thinking "what if..." and wishing that we'd never had to go through everything painful that's hapened to us. But one thing you need to remember is that you're not bad. Or horrible. Or any negative thing that you call yourself. You don't need to be punished to become a good girl, as you're not bad to begin with.

As for using sex as a way to hurt yourself/recreate the abuse... I know several people who do that. God knows I've done it loads in the past. It's not a bad thing in itself, but the negative impact it has on your mental health isn't a good thing. Do you have a counsellor or someone you could discuss this with in real life?

ladybug · 30-12-2009, 07:56 PM

thank you your reply really made me smile

yeh i had dbt today so talked about it there which helped a bit

ghosts in the machine · 31-12-2009, 10:23 AM

I'm glad I could help, even just a little. Take care of yourself, yeah? And feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything xx