its almost funny...
trying hard to figure out how to word this without sounding awful...
but i trust most (if not all) have been to this point sometime and will understand
Foe the MANY (sorry) posts i have made lately..all say...(basically), you are doing 'so much better'
it seems so doesnt it?
It seems i am holding it together, getting/accepting help, fighting
but
the honest truth????
i am doing nothing. I..dammit...how to explain it right, how to get the words out...****...
i am hiding, like i did for over 20 years (27 to b exact if anyone cares). I have let anger thru..but CONTROLLED anger/frustration
no 'real' emotions
i dont know how to feel them anymore (and according to him, i may never)
I am in a situation, which thankfully are few and far between; (i see my hubby and daughter and that is all besides the doc) and think "ok, you should feel 'X'...so ido..not because i *really * do..but because ity is 'appropriate'
like i have mentioned, i have returned to SI..it is not a slip ( you KNOW how those feel) and this doesnt feel like that. Knees to top of thighs is NOT a 'slip'
I told hubby awhile ago i was 'done' with SI, couldnt imagine doign it again (and granted, at the time..i couldnt)
buti broke that word
and now i have done it again
I thought it may have been doc visit...but it doesnt 'feel' like that ( you know what i mean, usually u know what it is). Part of me thinks (and oh god is this hard to write), maybe if he knows i am cutting gain he will be more concerned....NOT that i will go to ER or EVER show him cuts/scars....oh...how attention seeking whore-ish i sound....
and more sensless babble from me to ppl who have it soooo much worse thani do...sorry
and no, i havent told hubby yet, i just cant. But i did leave all the bandage wrappings/papers in the bathroom garbage..now he's a guy..why would he look?? LOL..but maybe he has seen...i dont know
Romp, i know what you mean about it not just being a slip up, they are different some how. but it doesn't mean you can't stop again, if you decide you want to again. its up to you. i still think you are doing a little better, (maybe i'm only seeing what i want but...) you seem to be more honest and idk just a little clearer about how you are feeling. but i also understand that coming from where you were that a little better can still be a crappy place to be as you had a long way to come.
as for your hubby, he may have noticed, i know men who seem like they dont know what is going on but in fact have noticed a lot more than you think, he may not mention it tho if he thinks you dont want to talk to him about. after all you have told him in the past and talking about it has been your choice. he might be waiting for that to happen again. i know you say you fell you cant talk to him about it anymore but he's stood by you through a lot worse, it could help to have someone know. i dont know tho, only you can judge that situation.
i'm here if you need me, you know that. take care xxx
If I pretended I was blind
And struck it from my mind
Would it still be there?
What if I'd do anything
To make it seem all right
I finally got Lei'd in Vets....It was an enjoyable experience!
I know how you feel. I cut when i can and i dont try and hide it anymore... I really dont... but men being men and all my friends men they dont cacht on they dont even cacth on about me being ok with getting high anymore...
You need to try to be yourself... you need to try and be honest with your husband... everything i want to say i know you already know...
all i can say is ::hugs:: I know the feeling
Just ignore me... wait you already do!
I was Lei'd live in vets!
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Secrete
no....i dont think it is just you seeing what you want...i guess in some way i AM better....but in some it seems i have gotten worse.
I cant explain it properly...i tried in the first post, but having re-read it i realize it isnt quite what imeant...but i cant explain....it's very frustrating and i feel i'm talking/going in circles so much of the time.
I know at some point i will tell him of all the new wouinds, i dont know when..was going to last night, then...just couldnt. I hate that look, knowing he is then going to be on guard and worrying when there is already so much to worry about....
But thank you for replying, both of you.
means alot :o)
romp
Hi Romp,
I'm sorry I dont know what to say to you at the moment. Just know that I'm thinking of you. Try to stay as safe as you can.
Take care,
Siobhán Xx
Today I'll try to become more aware of alternatives that I haven't yet realised.
Although I have no control over other people's reactions or thoughts, I can change the way I react.
Hunni I'm so sorry...
I wish I had something for you...
Please take care.
Much love.
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I understand. I had what I thought was a slip/relapse back in December. Now I've been cutting during the summer, hoping it would leave a scar. I've been married for many years; my husband ignores cutting as a play for attention.
Anger may be a cover for intolerable sorrow. I'm learning how to get past anger and cry and it is one of the most difficult things i've ever done.
hugs
