I think there is something very wrong with me. Okay, obviously i know i have emotional problems that i go to therapy for etc, but i think there is something wrong with ME. Fundamentally wrong. I don't like life, i never have. I've no reason to hate life with the venom that i do but i really hate it to my core.
I can't seem to find anyone to talk to this about, and it makes me feel so sick interacting with people because they are part of life. Looking at me you'd think i was pretty ordinary. But don't really see the point in most of it, and i truly don't understand why people live. I know that sounds so ridiculous but i don't get how people seem to be happy (or at least put up with) living. Even on this site, i get that people are suffering from different MI and have different needs than me, but i don't see the point in some of the lighter sections, i don't get how people can be interested in talking about, what feels to me like nothing. (and yeh before you berate me i know it isn't nothing, i'm not casting a judgement on other people, i'm just completely confused by it all).
I feel so alone in these feelings. I'm not suicidal because i feel mainly grey, but it is so damn demoralising having to breathe sometimes. And no, i don't mean any of this in an existential depression type way....jeez i wish i was that philosophical. My life is merely an existance. I don't care about myself so i rarely get around to washing my hair...or generally doing the basics. Which i realise makes me sound so disgusting. I have learnt to hide how much i can't be bothered so, as i said, most people wouldn't notice. But there has to be something wrong with me to hate all of this so much. This can't be right, or is this really what everyone else feels life is but i'm the only person complaining about it?! That'd be like me ****ing myself over in a royally twisted manner! Urg, my sister says she is always really tired, when i ask why she stays alive then if life is so tiring and hard, she says because the best part of her life is sleeping and laughs.
I feel so alone. Sometimes i hate myself for having these feelings, and sometimes i don't care enough to fight them. I know it isn't worth going back to the drs, i've been to enough psychiatrists to learn they don't have a clue about anything, and that they obviously think i'm lying because i've had it said to me medication won't help only long term therapy.....seems to me noone cares that i don't think life is worth living. I've been through that whole 'i'll show them' idea, i don't want to die just for revenge, nothing is worth that. I just want to stop existing. I don't understand any of this, people do not make sense to me. Sometimes i do feel sick thinking about how pointless we all are.
And yes, i get the irony of writing this. I don't understand, maybe life really is this crap and i'm just an idealist or something! I doubt it though. I always write too much, again always different, wish i could write less.
First off, you didn't 'write too much'. I'm glad you were to say exactly how you feel. I know how hard that can be...esp. when no one seems to understand and yo ufeel you've been saying the same damn thing over and over.
I'm not suprised you have therapy a waste...it seems no one listened to what YOU really needed from it.
I understand how hard (and even pointless) it can feel to 'try again', but I would really urge you to take what you have written above into whoever it is yo uhave seen/are seeing.
If they can offer no solutions, then ask for someone else.
Altho, perhaps long-term [scary prospect, I understand] therapy is YOUR solution, BUT, with someone you can work with.
I'm not sure what to say...except pls don't give up yet (or ever).
I hope you can finally find the help you deserve.
xx
(wanted to add: everyone, mentally ill or healthy, goes thru periods of "why"...but the severity is the difference. It sounds very extreme for you.)
Hmmm, I feel like I could have written that... I know how hard it is to keep trying as well, to see the problem so clearly but not seem to be able to do anything about it.
But there are people who can help, they can be difficult to find but they do exist. Keep going...
Romperfry, i don't know how you have the strength to reply to my posts let alone put up with them considering how much you are going through at the moment! I appreciate you replying, i have no idea how you manage! I think i feel trapped at the moment, i'm just about coping with work but my moods have been so erratic recently. I think i just want someone to fix it. It is so hard to live day in and day out feeling no joy, happiness, love. I'm sure the majority of people on this website will understand that. I find therapy is becoming better (now we've got through the horrendous first 11months of me not trusting and getting angry over nothing) but it is hard to live knowing none of this is getting better anytime fast. Therapy is my solution, i've been on lots of meds and they don't generally help and then i get impulsive and either stop them suddenly or take too much. But i'm really tired, i'm tired of trying and i just want to take a magic pill to make it all better!! I think i may go to therapy next week and tell her how much i'm struggling, she knows i'm tired but i never really explain the depression as i'm too busy trying to get past my controller. You are right, everyone does goes through the 'why?' phase, i got caught up in that myself a few years ago, did the whole philosophy, religous thing...thought it would help but i found i was disappearing into other people and the confliction inside me was too much to handle. I felt like a complete fraud. I know i think too much, that's half my problem, people laugh at me because i think too much. That's why i worry about writing too much, people usually scorn and laugh at me. Take care of yourself, do not take too much upon yourself at the moment, let other people care for you once in awhile! Thinking about you and your family.
Tokoloshe, yes having logic and rational doesn't overly help when you are depressed. I know the solution to depression: therapy, support, good diet, physical activity, new activities, distraction. How come it doesn't work for me?! I know i have more than just depression going on....but still you'd think it would reduce it at least a bit! I've given up on the social distraction side of things, it's too tiring for the moment. thanks for the support, i appreciate it. I hope your ADs are starting to kick in now too, you deserve to feel a bit of lightness in your life! take care.
I can really see where you are coming from. I also have thoughts like these. I'm sure everyone, at some point in their life, has wondered what do we live? What's the point? Why are we here? ect.
It's really difficult to understand these things. You must be feeling very confused.
Have you ever talked to someone about this? Maybe it could help you make more sense of it all?
I wish I could be more helpful. Hope you're okay. I'm always here. xo
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