Adult - Disconected

pancake · 16-11-2009, 09:10 PM

Hi,

I just wondered if anyone understands this:

I have had issues with depression and SH and ED for well 20 years on and off, up's and downs etc.

Anyway i am bothered at the moment because when i am in a good state i can't access thoughts feelings from the bad states and when i am in a bad state i cant remember what its like to be in any other state, if you know what i mean. I have gaps in my memories and i can't remember the order of things.

So i feel like i have two life stories one bleak and one ok. What i want is to put them together so i can have one story - just my story in total. I know how i got disconected and i know how in someways i maintain that even though i don't really want to cause its just a way of being i guess.
What i can't yet work out is how to change it.

So i wondered if anyone understood this and if anyone thinks its possible. I hope its possible.

Stellata · 16-11-2009, 09:29 PM

Yep. Makes total sense.

My brain's frozen right now, but I'll try and explain.

There's an early stage of emotional/psychological development that can manifest when we're vulnerable and unwell, or haven't had enough reinforcement and understanding of our full range of feelings.
It's like when a young baby is fully only in the moment, and holds no memory of other times - so that holding and safety is perfect bliss, and feeling/being unheld and unresponded to is eternal agony. The same way people are seen - loving mummy and unresponsive, 'hating' mummy are as two separate beings, until these can be integrated and tolerated with enough ego strength.
So, when our ego strength is low, either due to an episode of depression, or we're 'stuck' at that developmental stage, that's how it's like emotionally for us as adults.

Does that make sense?

pancake · 16-11-2009, 09:40 PM

Kind of,

Do you think its changable?

Stellata · 16-11-2009, 09:43 PM

With therapy, yes, and not CBT therapy, either.
It can take time, but development is possible.

pancake · 16-11-2009, 10:39 PM

This is the 3rd and last time i am gonna attempt to post more on this.

I am not having a good time. I have done a fair bit of CBT and it was good for continuing to exsit and being able to everyday.

I was really ok i was mapping myself and had friends that i wasn't completely pariniod about and it didn't bother me this disconected thing. Then about 3 years ago i was asulted and since then its been alot harder to keep on top of fluctuations. I have only recently worked out that in order to deal with it and carry on everyday i did what i have done and disconected. This is a problem because i end up not perciveing things as they are and almost being asgressive in my attempts to protect myself i guess.

Anyway i dont want to live my life like this i just want to be a whole person. I am kinda hoping that if i can make everything join up i wont have to spend my life in fear of getting sick again or not being able to deal with anything properly and not being able to connect with anyone eles.

its not a good day.

katkinb · 17-11-2009, 01:37 AM

really sorry to hear that you aren't having a good day and that things are so difficult at the moment.

I kind of get where you are coming from with not being able to remember things, I have really bigs gaps from my past missing, things that i have absolutely no recollection of.

Unfortunately, i don't know what the key to fixing it is....

Do you have someone that you can talk to about all of this?
Have you spoken to anyone about the assault that happened to you? Maybe if you could begin to come to terms with that, and probably forgive yourself for that, then you maybe able to get back on track with the other things.

Sorry, im waffling, always here of you need a chat, try and be kind to yourself.
Kat