Sick and tired of this all day everyday

BabySteps · 02-10-2009, 09:34 PM

i dont know what to do anymore. I've just cut my arms and the tops of my legs. One of the reasons was to punish myself for not speaking to my great nan for ages before she died. I went to her funeral last week and all i can think of is her lying their in the chapel of rest so cold and white it was horrible. I have to punish myself and this is the only way i know how. She loved me so much she was buried with a picture of me and my drawings i did as a kid. I loved being a kid, i was clean and innocent and now i just feel dirty and a mess. I am trying to lose weight, i want all the fat in my face to just dissappear maybe then i'll get a boyfriend. I cant get away from this aching sadness. I am on prozac i thought it was meant to help. No im not at an all time low but im not happy either. It just feels like im not even hear just drifting not really knowing who i am or why i am here. :(

PassedExpectations · 03-10-2009, 01:35 AM

I can't answer why you're here, or what you're meant to be doing, or any of that type of stuff, cause you have to find that out on your own... but I'm pretty sure that your nan loved you the way you are and wouldn't want you to punish yourself. I'm really sorry that she died.
There is nothing to feel guilty about over... wait I shouldn't even say that, because everyone experiences greif in their own way, so maybe guilt is part of it for you, and that just means that its a feeling that you have to deal with. Maybe you could visit seniors who don't have anyone around to visit them... I'm sure they'd enjoy and appreciate that, and it may make some of your guilt go away.
As for wishing that you looked different, I haven't figured that one out yet, so I can't really help.
*many hugs*

03-10-2009, 02:48 AM

don't feel guilty at all. i'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel that way about her death. let yourself grieve and don't be so hard on yourself. you do not need to be punished. *HUGS*

I.Heart.And · 03-10-2009, 01:18 PM

Try not to feel guilty, people drift apart sometimes whether they are family or not and it's better to focus on the good times you had together. I'm sure your great nan won't have any bad feelings towards you because of the lack of contact and will continue to watch and be with you even if she isn't physically there.
I understand the want to lose weight as I have the same issue. I think that you would be able to get a boyfriend now though. Losing weight gives people the impression that it has made them a changed person but it hasn't - your personality remains the same and you don't need to be improved at all. I'm sure you look fine as you are.
The Prozac is probably giving you a bit of a boost but practical things in your life need to change too in order for you to be properly happy. The meds won't do it alone.
Have you considered getting therapy to work on your self esteem etc?

BabySteps · 03-10-2009, 08:24 PM

Thank you for all your replies, my pm is always open if u ever need anyone. I feel a bit better today but its so upside down i could have a real bad day tomorrow- roller coster or what!
I am currently seeing a therapist but these issues have been with me since i was very little and they say it wont happen "over night"
take care everyone
x x x

I.Heart.And · 03-10-2009, 08:46 PM

No you won't get over it overnight, these things take time. I know what you mean about the roller coaster, you just have to go with the flow really I guess, I think you're coping really well and glad that you feel better today. Long may it continue.
Even though the issues have been there a long time doesn't mean to say they can't be ovvercome.