Uni, terror and truth

[Moonlight Princess]

I actually DESPISE myself and if I'm honest I've felt like that for a long while. I try to hide because it actually scares me the amount of intensity I feel that with sometimes. People can say they hate themselves and most often it's because something has gone wrong, they have low self esteem and I'm guilty of saying that a lot too but beneath that I just genuinely and pretty much constantly hate myself. I'm always carrying around the knowledge that I'm a hateful and terribe excuse for a person. I don't want to but some part of me, the honest part is telling me that I'm despicable.
I am just not good enough. Pure and simple. I feel like there's some benchmark for humanity that I don't even reach. Some fault or defect in my thinking that means I'm not allowed normal human relationships. I'm going to university on Sunday and I'm terrified, terrified of inflicting myself on those poor people.

I actually have no idea what I'd like from this I'm sorry. I know people are going to tell me that I'm wrong but I just don't know how to lift myself out of this.

[mesmerized.]

Oh, honey *cuddles*

I'm sorry you feel so bad about yourself. I can relate so much to this. Like, when other people say they hate themselves I can see that it's low self-esteem and realistically, they shouldn't feel so bad. But I genuinely feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me, and I honestly am all these terrible things. But I'm starting to learn that that's what low self esteem actually does feel like; everyone else who says it feels just the same.

Looking at it objectively, what makes you such an awful person? What could you possibly have done that's so bad you deserve to feel like this about yourself? There's a list here of ways to help improve your self esteem and such. I couldn't tell you if it's helpful but I'd say it's worth a go.

I know going to uni when you feel this bad about yourself is scary, but maybe it will be a good thing? If you can socialise with people and get involved in things, you might start to feel more positive about yourself. You're not 'inflicting' yourself on anyone; try to remember that they honestly will want to get to know you and a lot of other people will be feeling pretty similar. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor or something at uni?

I wish I could be more help. But sweetheart, please believe that even if you think these things about yourself, we don't. I think you're lovely and I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Please PM me anytime you need to talk or anything. Take care of yourself, 'kay? xx

[Stellata]

Recognising that degree of self hatred can indeed be terrifying. I know - Where is the place of safety if that monstrousness is in one's head?

That little while before you actually get to uni can be so painful, I know. Once you get there, you'll very likely find many others who feel as insecure and scared. It'll be ok. It might feel uncomfortable and awkward to begin with, but it'll be ok. So many of us here on RYL have been where you are, in our own unique ways. And we got there and we made it through.

You are not despicable. You have feelings of despising myself, but that doesn't make you despicable.

[Too Shy]

Oh Kiran, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down about yourself at the moment. I'm not sure if I can say anything that will help you feel any better about yourself, because I know feelings like that can be so, so strong sometimes, but you really are not a despicable person. What I think (and I may be totally on the wrong track here, so ignore this if you think I am!) is that you are a very very intelligent girl who thinks a lot about things, and I think that can make you very hard on yourself sometimes.

If someone had written your post, what do you think you'd say to them? What do you think are your best qualities? Maybe you could try writing down a list of points that you like about yourself - even if you don't feel like that would help at the moment, maybe write things down over time any time you feel positive about yourself, or you feel that you did something well, write it down, so that you can look back on it and know that you are a good person. You're a very friendly, caring, kind, funny person, and everyone deserves to have normal human relationships.

Are you at university now? If you are, I hope it's going ok so far - you're not inflicting yourself on anyone, they'll all be nervous and want to make new friends, and you deserve to be happy there.

I'm not sure any of this is particularly useful, but I hope you're doing ok, and I'm always free if you want to talk. xx

[Moonlight Princess]

You guys thankyou SO much. I'm quite tired as I'm writing this so it might not make much sense but thankyou all so much. I'll come back and write a longer reply at some point I think when I'm a bit more awake lol!

[Revival]

sorry I just got to this Kiran and I'm not really good with words atm but wanted you to know that I think you are an amazing, kind beautiful person who doesnt deserve any of this, I really hope that things improve for you soon, and I'm here if I can help at all

xxxx