Here I am sitting yet again with strong feelings to harm.
Doesnt take long does it for them to return.....guess in a way they never left me whilst I was in hospital. Its amazing how deceitful and devious I become when I need to be. I hate that.
Am supposed to be going to Scotland, the western highlands and islands on Sunday for a week with some of my family. Very remote, seals and otters on the shore of the loch where we are staying.
How do I refrain when the feelings are so strong?
How do I refrain the strong urges knowing hospitals are miles away?
How do I refrain for a whole week? How do I do that when its so strong in me right now!!
And please dont say think of the family...that really doesnt work. Nothing works when I get like this. It didnt work in hospital either, I still found a way. Yes I am the selfish mother and wife and yes, I do hate myself for it, but no I cannot get the control to stop.....it has to happen.
I would explain, but none of it makes sense so I wont
i love you.
scream into a pillow.
punch a pillow.
read.
write.
cry.
talk.
run.
walk.
eat.
sleep.
rock back and forth.
draw.
and if all else fails SIT ON YOUR HANDS!!!!(im serious, ive done it.)
i love you.
xx
i dont have a great deal right now, but here goes my dear friend,
other than to offer you my love, friendship, hope, and strength, allways
and that i am still with you walking close by your side, this old dragon
is honoured to be walking on your journey when you let him.
I have no magical answers , other than to say i hear you ,
i have some understanding of what your going through right now.
I truly care about you,
you are very strong, and you are aware of what your difficulties are,
which is a major step to finding answers
IVE no doubt you, my dear friend WILL find the ANSWERS.
I will be close by yourside allways until you find the answers you seek
on your journey in life
many Hugs Dear Dear Friend
from an old dragon
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
Think of the fact that hospitals are very far away. If you absolutely can't stop yourself, then control it. Do it so that you don't need medical attention. It's better not to do it at all, but if you absolutely can't then control it. Also, let yourself know that you can. It will do much to take away your anxiety and urges to know that you can... *hugs* and keep busy with your family. Or simply go and watch the seals and otters. RELAX!!!!!!!!!! I promise it wont kill youto have a good time.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Rowie listen to her! You arent ready to make promises to yourself or others to not harm, but you can try to control it as Jess says.
Your family are something to consider in all this. You cant take them out of the equation. They dont have to be the reason to stop though. They can be a factor but not the reason.
I understand when things are bad that family doesnt make a blind bit of difference. Its like a fog i guess, all you can see is the end of your nose and nothing else. when you are deep in the void there is no thought other than for yourself and your pain. That can be seen as being selfish. Thats fine. More importantly is should be seen as being ill. Its a horrid illness. Try to remember that it distorts! It doesnt present the truth. It fills our heads with lies. Its not your fault you feel like this at times. you are poorly. You can and will get better.
Lots of love
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
The problem I have and it was pointed out to me in hospital, that I dont have control of the situation. I reach a certain point where there is no return, where there is no control. Sometimes I can recognise the early signs and for that I have medication to take at that time....but if its left it will get out of control and that is what Im so scared of.
Once I get passed a certain point there is no going back....i cant retrieve myself........thats what scares me about me
Oh I dont know. ...Im so confused, so fed up. It doesnt matter.
Thank you for your kind replies. Theyre much appreciated.
xxxx
You can be strong and get through this. Do something...anything...to distract yourself. You are a good wife and mother and a strong person who just needs a distraction. Rachel made a whole list...I think some of those things are good ideas.
