Triggering (SI) - I need to... I'm slipping already..
I need to get sharp things.. I feel safe when I have them even if I'm not gonna use them.. I need them, its a saftey thing for me.. I threw my things away yesterday.. I feel like a ********. The only thing I had control of.. I dont even have control of it anymore.
I'm slipping, I'm pathetic.. I hate myself.. Why am I such a freak?
Sweetie, you're not a freak. I should imagine a lot of us feel the same way. I've never been able to throw away blades or tools because it was a safety net for me- I felt more dangerous not having the option to be able to hurt myself. Thing is, while it may seem like being in control, it's a bit of a paradox really. What you feel as control really is more of a lack of control. Is there any way you can try to distract yourself from the panic of not having your tools around?
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
I dunno what I mean reallly.. I want to stop but at the same time I don't cause I know I'll end up cuttin again. Last night I had really bad urges.. ended up talking to my brother about guys awkward much?
yeah..i guess...its okay if you dont know what you mean...but just know that you want to stop and keep to that path...do it for yourself...if that makes any sense...
Im glad you managed to beat the urges last night.
If you keep trying, im sure you'll be able to beat it, if you believe in yourself you wont feel the need or even that you feel you might.
Does that make sense..? You have to trust yourself. Stay strong ;)
I dunno what I mean reallly.. I want to stop but at the same time I don't cause I know I'll end up cuttin again. Last night I had really bad urges.. ended up talking to my brother about guys awkward much?
I feel the same way! No one seems to believe me... they just think I'm not trying or copping out or something. But I'm *positive* that it's not over yet...
My counselor keeps telling me, "yes it can be over. You can do this... bla bla bla" but I just feel like I still need it.
I've gone about a month without doing it... but only because I was on a trip for three weeks and I promised myself I wouldn't do it over the trip. Now that I'm home I feel depressed again... and I haven't SH...yet... but I need to make it another month because my mom is bribing me with piercings. I just don't know if I can make it. I got SO close the other day to doing it.
But I didn't, and for some reason I don't feel proud of myself at all. My parents are all, "we're so proud of you!" but hearing that just makes me feel worse.
Your defiantly not a freak. I went throught the same feeling when I was trying to get better and i threw out all my stuff from my bedside table. It's a horrible feeling, and you fee like you've kinda like lost control of it because you don't have those safety tools there. But rockaroni is right although having them makes us feel in control...we're really not...it's in control of us. You've taken control by throwing them away and you are on the right track!
I really hope you start to feel better *hugs* If you need me message me and i will get back to you as soon as possible :)
Be safe & well.
xoxo
"And just like the movies, we play out our last scene. You won't cry, I won't scream."
"There's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of no where. && rips you to shreads."
I know its horrible without your razors etc around for that safety net...but if you know you'll do something with them its better to stay away from them.
Try distracting yourself when you get the urge..or try something less damaging. Snapping an elastic band on your wrist or ice.
PM if you need anything.
xoxo
"And just like the movies, we play out our last scene. You won't cry, I won't scream."
"There's just chaos, and violence, and random unpredictable evil that comes out of no where. && rips you to shreads."
