I feel like I am going crazy. I don't understand whats wrong with me. One minute I was the happiest I have been in a long while than BOOM. Depressed. Everything is going wrong now. I feel so alone. Empty.. Sad. i keep fighting back tears. I find it a struggle to be the "happy" me, that my friends all know. It's soooo hard to be the life of the party when you can't stop thinking about how crappy your life is and you can't shut your brain off. I mean I am home on a friday night. I can't even remember the last time I was home on a weekend! I just have no desire to go out. To be around people.
It keeps getting harder to control my shakes. I've had this headache for a week now. Deep down I know cutting isn't the solution. In the end I'm going to feel guilty and worse than I started out, yet I keep thinking about the relief I could have. Even if just for a little while. I'm so lost, confused, drained, empty, angry...ugh. Somehow I just need to stay away from my bathroom....
seek your gps help if you can, we are here for you
Hey, Hugs you,
Depression is scary, it creeps up on you and boom your in pieces, It makes us feel empty, alone, sad, and can, but not allways, drive us to eventually risk our lives , it has with me. I pray you dont have to ever walk that path.
This is just my description of my depression, it often feels like a big dark heavy cloud, or a big dark unamable beast allways at my side. Sorry for the description. Its not there as often but hasnt completly left me yet.
With things going wrong for you on top ,this just fuels the depression, can you go and see your gp and talk about how you are feeling, and maybe get some medication. I know meds arnt the be all and end all for depression. In my case a mixture of meds and talking therapy can help.
Often talking therapies can help, But it can make a big difference to your mood. Having supportive family or trusting friends can help, if you have them. Depression is good at hiding us away it makes us pull back from friends and family. It doesnt descriminate who it attacks, you can have everything in your life, or nothing, and it still strikes you down .
Hugs you,
Im sorry youve got a terrible headache too, please consider seing your gp , Its good you recognise cutting isnt the answer, and i hope you can stay distracted. Please try and stay away from the bathroom, i understand the urge and need to get relief, i hope you can use ryl to continue to help you distract yourself.
please keep posting, and talking, seek your drs support, and of course us here at ryl.
ave
Take care
Dave
Last edited by bleedingdragon : 14-07-2007 at 01:37 AM.
Reason: eek removed some text
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
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agrees with seeing a dopc. Tell them how you have been feeling. would it be so bad if your friends knew you are struggling? Any extra support is always a good thing...
but pls , do go and see a doc. If you cant say how you are feeling,. print off this post or write something else...
pls let us know how it goes ok??
thinking of you
romp
^^^i agree with seeing a doc if you already havent. the right meds could help you. maybe help stabilize your moods and help with the depression.
please be safe.
much love.
xx
I've tried to see doctors. I've tried the whole med route, and I strongly believe in medication, just not for me. I don't like how I feel when I am on them. I don't truly feel myself and I have trouble knowing how exactly I am feeling on them because they screw with my mind. I've tried all different kinds. I mean realistically I know what I *Should* be doing. I just refuse to. I want help but at the same time I sorta feel like if I get help I will lose apart of me that I have known for so long. Does that make since?
Clutching my cure I tightly lock the door I try to catch my breath again I hurt much more Than anytime before I have no options left again I don't want to be the one The battles always choose Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I'll never be alright
You say being on meds doesnt make you feel like you but it sounds to me that you arent feeling yourself already.
Getting counselling will benefit you the most. If you can get thought without medication then thats brilliant. Ive done it twice in the past. sometimes however you need the medication to get you to the point where you can accept help. The medication wont cure you as im sure you know, but it can put you on a level and give you a firm ground from where to start!
Can i suggest also that you dont hide this from your friends. Its a terribly lonely path to walk downwhen you dont tell them how you feel. trust me, ive lost toch with virtually my whole network bar a couple of people! you dont have to talk bout the SH. I know what its like to be the person that in the middle of it all. The one that makes people laugh and dares everyone to have another drink and then go to a club.
If you dont let the people around you know how you feel things will get worse and the isolation feelings will set in. You will become more and more removed and then things will get alot darker. If i could change one thing about my current bout, it would be that i told more people at the time when i was feeling bad.
Friends help eachother. Friends stick together. Alot of them probably wont understand but thats ok. Just let them know that you are having a hard time right now and not feeling yourself. Im sure you wouldnt turn your back on a mate whos feeling down. Im sure they wont either. They may not give you the responses you may be after but im sure they will be doing their best. Even though sometimes it seems they are causing more harm.
Act now. Act while you still have some of the old you left. Act before your last ounce of energy has been sapped.
We all need a little help from time to time. There is no shame in receiving. Its what life is all about - helping eachother.
Keep talking. be safe with the cutting.
Matthew x
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Have you seen a doc? It sounds like you might have bipolar disorder.
If you search online you can get mood charts and online questionaires to see if u have the classic symptoms of bi-polar.. such as when feeling good having racing thoughts, needing much less sleep ect.. and a mood diary will help plot how your moods change over time, usually a few months.
Quote:
Ive tried the whole med route, just not for me
That is me when I am ill. I dont think i am the true me when i am ill and on meds.. but the truth is we are deluding ourselves.. yes you may be scared of loosing a part of you, the old, restricting illness part of you.. but think of all the great thingsa u can gain.. independance.. health.. stability.. think of it like those tv advert about the people who had their own 'gremlins'.. things that were holding them back ie not being competant in reading or mathematics.. they let go and were happier.
If you reely are against having medication but you are diag with a mood disorder of some kind.. seek CBT.. it reely does help u to look at why you are feeling a particular way and gives you techniques to change the way you react to them.
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