I do feel so sensitive and sad though. And alone.
I need some companionship through this. Please.
I am experiencing some remission from public hyper-vigilance intensity. And this scares me! Makes my 'protective' alter-ego really panic. It doesn't feel as safe without that, well, prison around me. A prison that screams out "freak inside. do not disturb. i'm disturbed already." It can sound kind of stupid, feeling safer makes me feel unsafe! But then, this.. Bodyguard, she has a pretty fearsome presence. And, well existing as myself, mask free, in face of the world, after being hidden behind it so many years... can be frightening indeed.
Has anyone else experienced this?
I'm releasing myself at long long last from dwelling in the victim mindset. That's so liberating. My stunning insights and awarenesses and awe at this... caused some ructions at another forum, a forum which I am not in a place of needing any more, is no longer healthy for me.
I no longer have a real online community.
And I want to have a real life community involvement. But it's early days yet, and I feel very very alone. Lost. Aching for tenderness and closeness and reassurance.
Any support, reassurance, perspective, hugs, understanding... welcome. Please...
Although I don't yet fully understand my own "defence mechanisms" and only just starting to get the right help - I do understand what it's like to be scared of not being scared. Letting down these barriers after so long is going to be tricky to adjust to at the beginning. It's what you feel has kept you "safe" for all this time, what you had to do to keep yourself safe. I don't think anyone can adjust to it overnight.
I think I make sense. Probably don't.
I just wanted to let you know I understand and send some hugs. Thinking of you. x
Being well is difficult too. I know this well. It's sometimes as hard to cope with as illness. It's natural to find yourself a little lost by it and to find it hard to cope with. I know you've been working hard to feel better and I'm sure it's difficult at times to deal with the different stages of recovery. I know it's something you will be able to deal with, though, and these feelings are not insurmountable. Try to take things slowly and not be too hard on yourself if you're finding things difficult.
*big supportive hugs*
I wish I had the words right now love, I know what want to say but my mind won't form that into coherant sentances.
Remember that it took time to get to this stage in recovery, and it will also take time to overcome the vulnerbilities of here and move towards the next stage of recovery. Remember that time is what you need, take each day as it comes and know that we are here to support you in every step.
Take care of yourself, I wish I could say all I wanted too but know that I care and I'm here for you
Xxxx
You see a mouse trap
I see free cheese
And a ****ing challenge
Oh Katie, huge hugs, you don't know how proud of you I am, and how happy your post makes me. It sounds like you are coming out of your shell, out of yourself, like a butterfly from a coccoon. You are a very inspiring women, always have been to me, and the world is at your feet, and it is out there, waiting for you. Seriously, we need more people like you in the world, I think you are a star.
Completely hear you about the vulnerability too, and I think it's really good that you're aware of it and acknowleding it - it sounds from your posts lately that you have come so far recently and have so much more insight. It really shows. However, with vulnerability maybe go back to basics. Are you tired/hungry/thirsty/hot/cold? What comes immediately to mind is what we talked about ages ago - using a big thick blanket or duvet as a second skin.
You are a women in your own right, and an inspiring one too. I am so glad to see you, and I think whatever you choose to do, wherever you choose to go, you will be an amazing inspiration to people, and I really think you will achieve your dreams.
worked with folks brought up in war zones who moved to safety and quiet, find the peace and tranquility startling. its a gap, a kind of 'pause' around them that can be fundamentally disquieting
more or less every single step of growth has been difficult to sustain through my lack of knowledge of what its like to be at that point and a strong pull in the opposite direction to be what was familiar territory
what you say has humanity, warmth and truth. it feels to me that you speak from your core and that is something i can trust
there are few that i would want to spend real time with and those that i do, i connect with in the way that i have experienced you. because of your kindness and how you come across on these boards i'm pretty sure most folks want to be kind to you because of who you are, not just what you say or do
Oh Katie, huge hugs, you don't know how proud of you I am, and how happy your post makes me. It sounds like you are coming out of your shell, out of yourself, like a butterfly from a coccoon. You are a very inspiring women, always have been to me, and the world is at your feet, and it is out there, waiting for you. Seriously, we need more people like you in the world, I think you are a star.
Completely hear you about the vulnerability too, and I think it's really good that you're aware of it and acknowleding it - it sounds from your posts lately that you have come so far recently and have so much more insight. It really shows. However, with vulnerability maybe go back to basics. Are you tired/hungry/thirsty/hot/cold? What comes immediately to mind is what we talked about ages ago - using a big thick blanket or duvet as a second skin.
You are a women in your own right, and an inspiring one too. I am so glad to see you, and I think whatever you choose to do, wherever you choose to go, you will be an amazing inspiration to people, and I really think you will achieve your dreams.
Abigail x *more hugs*.
^^ this. Tho she said it much nicer than ic ould have
Proud of you
romp
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Thank you so much everyone. I'm really really touched by your responses. It means such a lot to me.
I'm feeling a bit more secure this morning, still delicate/some vulnerability though. And still sad. It's rather a shock that this other forum, which up until that point seemed to be supportive of my recovery, actually wasn't in some ways. I need to empower myself, not remain in the victim state of powerlessness, victim mode. It feels like a ... betrayal of trust in a way.
Chels, what you say makes total sense. Chris, that doesn't sound trite or glib at all, it touches me. And all your other words and thoughts too - Abigail, rosamunde, _Tormented_ ... and all the hugs are appreciated much too.
I'd appreciate some input and advice here, please...
Re this other forum I'm in the process of leaving - How do you speak your truth when everything you say is given back to you and seen as a sign of your own pain and illness, not as a sign of health - of healthy boundary setting?
How can I learn to trust myself again?
Trust yourself by not allowing people who do not listen to your truth to affect your perceptions of yourself. Believe that your own ability to recognise what is healthy for you is correct, not what others may say.
